Everlastingtruth.com

This is an article I wrote for the latest work newsletter…enjoy.

One of the problems with being a genius on the computer is that I (obviously) sit in front of a computer much of the time. Most of my day is filled with me staring into a thin rectangular box. Even after my nightly workout, shower and feed time I still end up sitting in front of the computer for at least an hour. Sometimes I don’t even want to sit back down at the terminal but it calls to me with its shiny buttons and endless Internet. And like a chubby kid smelling cake, I can’t help but dive in.

Over time, sitting at the computer with bad posture can wreak havoc on your body. I have a friend that is an excellent programmer and has been hammering out code for the past 10 years. His programs are a thing of beauty but his spine looks like a wilted flower that has been sucked dry by the sun. He used to stand 6 feet tall but has now transferred those vertical inches forward. In other words he makes the hunchback of Notre Dame look like an all star athlete.

I shouldn’t point fingers because my back used to be strong like an Ox and straight as a board but now it’s ’strong’ like a cat and as straight as a gently warped board. The problem with me is that I sit in the weirdest positions throughout the day. Sometimes I hunch forward, other times I sit on my legs, but no matter what I always slouch. I know slouching makes me look about as professional as a guy wearing ripped jeans and socks with his flip-flops, but it’s a really bad habit I’ve had for years. I once worked with a massage therapist who gave me a stern lecture about posture when she saw how I was sitting at my computer. I really do try to heed her advice.

Possibly the most important thing I have learned to do when sitting at a computer for hours is to get my lazy butt up and move around. I’m no longer a spring chicken and I’ve noticed in my advanced age that if I sit for too long my lower back starts to hurt and my neck gets tight. Getting up and moving around doing some arms swings or cartwheels is a great way to get the blood flowing and to loosen your tight muscles. If you’re prone to headaches at work try some deep breathing and moving your head forward/backward, in a slow twisting motion or in a nice gentle circle. After being stationary for an extended period and doing these neck exercises I’ve found that my neck sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning…snap, crackle and POP! I usually feel better afterwards, but don’t blame me if your head falls off because you were too vigorous with these exercises. Start slow.

When standing you should also try to retain good posture. Try to stand with most of your weight on the balls of your feet and not on the heels. I am guilty of standing like a flat-footed platypus all too often. Your head should be back and your shoulders upright with your arms hanging naturally at your side. I’ve noticed when people stand it’s easy to see what sort of posture they’ve been positioned in most of their life. 

Without a doubt the best way to improve your posture is to exercise. I know this bit of advice will cause many to grumble since the only exercise they get is from 12oz curls, but exercise is really key. You don’t have to lift weights and look like the governor of California, but getting outside and walking can do wonders. In addition you can do non-impact things like Yoga or Pilates that will strengthen and stretch your body. Stretching can do wonders if your body is prone to getting ‘bound up’ after hunching behind your computer day after day.

No one wants to look like a hobbling hunch back when they grow up, so take care and beware of how you sit for extended periods of time. You’ll feel much better and your body will thank you. If you grow old and end up with only a view of your toes don’t say I didn’t warn you!

By now everyone has heard that Michael Jackson has died…unless you’re my sister (Hey Meg! Did you know that Michael Jackson died?!). It’s just crazy to me. I don’t know why but I feel shocked. He was only 50 years old and it’s just all of a sudden. I’m actually fairly surprised at how sad I feel. When I told the news to my mom I could see she was awfully shocked and sad too. Funny reaction over a guy that not only turned white, but weird in his old(er) age. But his later years are not what I remember him for.

As a kid growing up in the 80’s I was surrounded by Michael Jackson’s music, posters and dance moves. I’ll never forget the dance moves! It’s amazing to think that this guy invented the moonwalk. Before him no one was moonwalking, at least no one famous was. It’s because of Michael Jackson that I took break dancing lessons as a kid. Yes friends believe it or not, this white boy from rural Idaho took break dancing lessons. I’ll have you know that for a short time I was quite good at moonwalking and doing back spins. Those moves are hard to perform while surrounded by wheat fields but I managed quite nicely. In my youth ‘Billie Jean’ was one of my favorite songs. It had a catchy tune, a really high vocal part and back beat that just wouldn’t quit. Perfect for a country drive to go pick huckleberries. I also remember going to a garage sale of one of my mother’s co-workers at the bank. As a curious kid I was excited to look at everything, but I was especially thrilled when I noticed she had two white golfing gloves for sale. I wasn’t the least bit interested in golf, I just wanted one glove so I could wear it around like Michael. I begged my mom to buy them for me, but she didn’t think I needed them so I went home gloveless with my dreams of becoming the next MJ crushed.

Like him or not MJ had a huge impact on pop music and dance on a global scale. He made the transition from childhood star and teen idol to a full blown adult superstar. That is something that rarely happens.

In addition to MJ, this week Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon also died. Wow. Some big names gone. I never knew anything about FF while growing up but big Ed is ingrained in my 80’s memories nearly just as much as MJ was. If I close my eyes and listen, I can still hear his hearty laugh on the Tonight Show. And of course, who can forget Star Search?! I used to watch that show for the talent section, I thought the singing was boring even though it did help launch some stars.

So in the past month 4 big names have died (don’t forget David Carradine). Kinda nutty. Everyone dies of course, Ed was old and poor Farrah was crazy sick, but it’s the quick ones that always take you by surprise.

The suitcases under my eyes are testaments to the fact that I stayed up too late last night. I didn’t mean to, it just happens. Seems that most nights are like that. I had a hard time getting up today. I actually woke up before my alarm but just laid there wishing I could fall back into dreamland. I got up and went to the living room for some morning calisthenics to wake me up. After some stretching, situps and leg raises I flopped on the couch like a lazy bum. I just wasn’t into it. My body didn’t feel like moving and my head was thick. I felt sleep quickly taking over me until I forced myself to get up and get ready to avoid being late for work.

I walked back to my room to grab my towel and clean boxers before I headed to the shower. It took me only 7.6 seconds to retrieve my things so you can imagine my surprise when I came back to the living room and there was a figure standing in the entryway. My eyes snapped open, pupils dilated, fists clenched and my skin burning hot, ready to head-butt, tackle, elbow, knee (basically Krav Maga the hell out of the intruder) or whatever it would take to protect myself. Fortunately before I took flight towards this evil doer my eyes communicated with my brain that this threat was actually my house mate and I should not attack her with great fury.

Me: “OH! You scared the crap out of me!”

House Mate: “Sorry I had to come home and get a camera.”

Me: “Man, I just about attacked you…my skin is still buzzin!”

Now fully awake after jumping out of my skin I relaxed in the hot shower. The morning jolt reminded me of another intruder incident years earlier.

I had just graduated college and was still living near campus in my ghetto apartment. It was a magical time when I had no money and ramen was on the daily menu. I landed a temporary job (one that lasted 2 years) doing inventory for a professional inventory company. Since most stores like you to do the countin’ when they’re closed, the hours were either really early or really late. Lack of a sleep was a common theme as were midday naps.

One morning at 4 am I was particularly groggy as I stumbled down the stairs towards the kitchen. Clearing the sleep from my eyes I rounded the bottom of the stairs and was shocked to be face-to-face with a shadow in the night. In a flash of ferocity my feet dug into the carpet as I flung myself towards this detestable demon in my house. Sailing through the air I cocked my arm back like Mike Tyson (young Tyson, before the drugs and the weird face tattoo) winding up for a knockout punch. With adrenaline coursing through every cell in my body I gritted my teeth as I seethed in anticipation of impact. A millisecond before total devastation the hazy figure turned around and between the heartbeats in my eardrums I heard a faint “oooooohhhh Mic…..”

My brain instantly recognized the voice as my eccentric Japanese roommate, but my body was already en route to destroy him. I de-cocked my arm, tried to put the brakes on and avoid him, but I still managed to bash into him in the dark hallway.

Me: “bleepity bleep Yoshi! You scared the bleep outta me!”

Yoshi: “oooooh…Sorry.”

And that’s all he could say. He tromped back upstairs to his warm bed completely unaware that he was just about torn apart from limb to limb. It took a moment for me to calm down and stop shaking from having my heart rev up from 65 to 200 in the early morning hours.

 To this day I have no idea what he was doing in the hallway at 4am. He was by the toilet so maybe he was flushing one of his famous book reports down. Who knows, but he was very effective in waking me up, much like today. I’m glad my fists have never connected with an innocent roommate, but if people keep sneaking up on a half asleep Micah, someone is going to get hurt!

After logging 40 flights in 3 weeks on my new RC plane one might say I’m a little addicted.  As you can imagine, I was plenty excited to pack my plane up and take it to Idaho this past Memorial Day weekend. Idaho is a magical land of rolling hills, blue skies and cow pies, but I wasn’t as interested in the pies as the first two. I’ve become quite skilled at flying in the confined local high school track and field area so I was thrilled to fly in an area that contained no goalposts or stadium lights. The family farm seemed like such a place. The country provides such openness that I was even willing to have my father and H.E.S. have a go on the controls.

The three of us walked up the lane behind the house, we found a perfect flying spot high up on a hill with a gorgeous 360-degree view of the green countryside. After a quick pre-flight check I launched my plane gently in the air. After a few minutes of soaring and climbing I had the plane about 4 mistakes high so I shoved the radio into H.E.S.’s hands. She flew along fairly well for a couple of minutes until the plane started to get away from her and she panicked saying “uh oh, what do I do?”. It seemed the plane got sucked into a vortex and wanted to fly farther and farther away, or at least that’s what she said happened.

“Let’s go ahead and reel her back in” I said as I took the radio back in my hands.

After a smooth landing and a battery change I once again took to the skies with my Super Cub. I put the plane about 5 mistakes high before handing the controls over to my Dad. He did fairly well for his first flight out until I realized the plane was being sucked into the very same vortex that H.E.S. had experience earlier, except this time it appeared as if my dad was trying to rototill the fields with the plane’s propeller. I grabbed the controls just in time to avoid the hard ground. I flew the remaining battery out and brought her in for a nice gentle landing. Things were going smoothly as I was landing the plane towards us until I quickly realized I had too much speed and height to land. Instead of throttling up for another approach I put my hand out to catch the plane (stupid I know). This was effective in not only knocking the plane out of the sky but also slicing my hand open with the spinning propeller. I bent the hell out of my propeller so much that it looked more like an uppercase “L” rather than a nice, straight capital “I”. With no fresh batteries remaining and a bent propeller, we decided to pack everything up and head back to the house.

Later that evening I put on a new prop and charged up a couple batteries. I wanted to get the bird back in the air to make sure everything was still functioning properly after my earlier faux pas. With nightfall fast approaching I grabbed my plane and headed outside. My dad had already retired to his place about a mile down the road and H.E.S. said she felt like staying in, so I went alone.

I did my preflight and powered up the Super Cub. She took off with the greatest of ease and climbed nicely against the golden clouds and the setting sun. I quickly found myself smiling and having a great time soaring high with the beautiful backdrop of the countryside in view. About halfway through the battery I was feeling confident and decided that I would keep the plane high above my head as I slowly walked down the hill back towards the house. This ‘brilliant’ idea was going along swimmingly until I suddenly realized I was in a small valley between two hills.

Then it happened.

I was so focused on my plane high in the distance that I failed to notice the gigantic pine tree in front of me about to obstruct my view. My plane flew out of view behind the tree; I panicked and ran up the hill around the tree fully expecting to see my plane in view on the other side. Instead all I saw were blue skies and pink clouds glowing from the sunset.  Frantically my eyes scanned the horizon and my ears tuned in to catch any sound from the familiar buzzing…nothing. Only stillness and the cricket’s song filled the air. My heart sank and I stood there motionless as I slowly throttled down my radio, visualizing bringing the plane in to a soft landing. I had last seen the plane heading away from me so I did a sweeping left turn in hopes the plane would land somewhere on our property, I panned the sky one last time and when my eyes failed to locate anything I turned the throttle completely off.

Darkness was fast descending across the hills so I began running up and down the rural road and through the fields searching for my plane like a boy after his lost dog. I thought it would be easy to spot a large white object against the dark green and brown fields but I had no luck. Frustrated, I slowly walked back to the farmhouse. Covered in sweat and dirt from my search I opened the creaky door to the house. As I entered H.E.S. looked up from the TV and said “Where have you been? It’s dark out there!”. I sat down in the Lazyboy next to the couch with only my radio in hand. Looking down at the floor I mumbled “I….I lost my plane….”

“You what?!” she exclaimed incredulously.

“Yeah, well it got away from me, and now I can’t find it.” I said mopily.

In disbelief H.E.S. replied, “I can’t believe you lost your plane”.

And with that a broad smile spread across her face as her quiet giggles filled the air. For the rest of the night anytime she’d talk about the plane she’d start laughing. Apparently it was the funniest thing she had heard all week. I was unable to see the humor.

I slept restlessly that night with dreams of my plane in pieces, strewn across a vast field. Morning comes early on the farm and I was up before anyone else. I quickly dressed and snuck out to launch my search and rescue operation. I drove down the road and looked in the area where I thought my plane should be. Nothing. All I saw were green fields, fences and sleeping horses (I was up before the horses!). After driving back and forth down the road I headed towards my dad’s place a mile down the road. I wasn’t sure why I was going there but I figured he’d be up and I could tell him my woes.

I pulled up to the house and sure enough, even though it was barely 7:00am he was already awake, talking on the phone! We stood in the early morning sun chatting and I told him the story of how I lost my plane.

Dad: “Where abouts did you last see it?”

Me: “Oh somewhere SE of the farm. It’s really hard to tell since it was so high and far away. When I lost sight of it I did a left turn hoping to fly it closer to the house”.

Dad: “That’s funny because I saw the most amazing thing last night. I had just come in from watching the sunset and I walked to the window in the kitchen to catch one last glimpse of the scenery. I was looking at the horizon when this large white bird suddenly soared into my view. It was quite big, but it never flapped it’s wings. It came in, swooped to the left and disappeared behind the tree line of the neighbor’s property. I didn’t think much about it at the time, plus I didn’t have my glasses on so I didn’t know what I saw. But, I bet that was your plane!”

Me: “No way…..”

Dad: “Let’s drive down the road and take a look.”

We drove down the lane towards the neighbor’s driveway and got out. I didn’t have my hopes up because I thought my dad was either seeing things or just pulling my leg for a funny gag. He was ahead of me walking up the driveway when he stopped and said, “There it is right there.”

“Waaaa???” Was my only response. I looked up and saw my plane parked perfectly alongside the driveway, right next to a post. The morning dew glistened off her wide wing and I admittedly ran like a little kid up the driveway to the plane. I picked her up, examined the whole body and was amazed to find everything intact. Not one ding, scratch or dent. What an incredible surprise. We hopped in the car and happily drove back to grandma’s house.

My father and I had a good laugh over breakfast as we told the rest of the family. The chocolate chip scones and cheesy omlettes never tasted so good.

The night I lost the plane H.E.S. thought it was so funny because I had apparently been fairly cocky about my flying skills. I suppose a little humility is a good thing to keep one grounded but as it turns out, I have no need for any of that humility business. I can land my plane a half mile away with no visual….yes friends I am that good.

Need flying lessons? Inquire within.  

You may find this hard to believe but I like to have fun. Not the kind of fun that involves sweaty presidents, hookers and blow, but more along the lines of good ol’ fashioned wholesome fun.  Sure I’ve always liked to laugh when people fall on the escalator or when a kid bangs his head on the playground turtle shell, but as it turns out that kid inside of me has never quite grown up. I still get a kick out of playing with toys. Not necessarily HE-Man and TMNT Action Figures but more along the lines of little cars that go fast and aeroplanes that go NEEEEAAARRRR…. (y’know, the sound a plane makes).

A couple of years ago I bought my first plane. Dave and I decided on the same model as it was good for beginners, plus it had the ability to install the ‘Sonic Combat Module’ which is a small device that emits sound waves that ‘shoot’ down your friend’s plane. The thought of dave’s plane tumbling out of the sky at my hands made me giddy with glee. Unfortunately I never got the chance to shoot Dave down since he crashed plenty on his own. It’s not entirely his fault as our planes were cheap and good entry level ones, but when flying it felt more like trying to steer the titanic than fly an airplane. By the end of the summer my plane was mostly destroyed, not so much by crashes but by a heavy banjo case with a vendetta.

I always wanted to get back into the hobby , but working in Real Estate tends to suck up every nice weekend and I just felt like I had no time. Every time the warm, sunny season came around I’d always feel the urge to go buy a plane and try to fly it, but never did. A couple of weeks ago I was talking with HES and she said she’s always wanted to try and fly an R/C plane, I couldn’t believe my ear! Turns out that was the spark I needed to restart my flying desire. I did my research, found the best deal and the best beginner plane and within a week was the proud new owner of a Hobbyzone Super Cub.

After waiting a couple of days for the weather to clear up I couldn’t wait to get my new bird in the air. Unfortunately I quickly learned that just because the sky is clear doesn’t mean you should fly. It was way too windy for my maiden voyage and my plane was all over the place. Add on inexperience, first flight nerves and Dave yelling in my ear “it’s flying it’s flying!!!” it made for one hell of a ride. I had a couple of hard landings, but didn’t break anything, only bent the landing gear. I went out the next day and again it was really too windy to be flying. My plane was all over the place and I was getting flustered when suddenly the weather gods smiled upon me and there was a stretch of peaceful calmness. Even with the serene air my plane was still all over the place! It was then I realized that the problem wasn’t so much the wind, but the problem was me, I was over controlling the plane, sending it into dives, stalls and horrible situations. Once the weather chilled out so did I and almost instantly I got the hang of it!

Once I was in the zone, understood the limits of my plane and that I could take off and land with the greatest of ease all I wanted to do was fly. And fly I did. A couple Saturdays ago I met up with Dave at the local High School to do some flying. He still had his barely air worthy frankenplane from years past and he thought it would be fun to try and fly. I launched my plane in the air and it circled high above our heads. As I was flying, two other R/C’ers showed up and craned their necks skyward. Things were going along beautifully until I quickly realized something was wrong when HES said “you’re dying”. My plane was losing altitude and I could see that the prop had stopped spinning. The battery had died and I was concentrating so hard on gliding it into a soft landing that I completely failed to see the huge football upright my plane was headed towards. I snapped to my senses just as my wing smashed into the tall metal pole. The plane tumbled down and all I heard was “OUCH!” “WHOOOPS” and “….ohhh Micah…..” from the gathered crowd. The crash took a chunk out of my wing but other than that nothing was broken! Fortunately one of the other flyers had some awesome super glue that he let me use. Jake showed up right after I crashed and was sad because that’s the only thing he came to see. Luckily he didn’t have to wait long as Dave stepped up to fly his plane. Like a seasoned pro Dave picked up his plane, did his pre-flight check and proceeded to hand launch his plane into the football upright directly in front of him. His bird came tumbling down in a bright orange flash and smashed into pieces on the ground. Once again the gasps came from the crowd but on the corner of my eye I could see Jake was elated.

Dave did a doozy on his plane and was done for the day. I was holding the pieces of my wing together waiting for the glue to set when another RC’er came to join us, we’ll call him Ted. Turns out Ted hadn’t flown in a year and the last time he did he completely destroyed his plane and had just finished getting it all back together. After much talk Ted finally decided to take it up in the air. He took off and flew fairly well but was a total nervous Nathan as he flew. It didn’t take long before he brought the plane in explaining that it was ‘too windy’ (it wasn’t). Ted talked a bunch more until I was finally ready to take to the skies again. I was nervous to see if my plane would fly again and thankfully she took right off, piercing the air above. Everything worked great and I ran the battery down, but not enough to crash again. Ted was amazed at how quickly my plane could take off and wanted to see if his could do the same. Jake ‘encouraged’ him to try it and sure enough he took off almost straight up until he got too nervous to fly and quickly brought the plane down.

We were done flying but Ted kept talking to me and showing me his fancy-shmancy controller. His plane was resting peacefully by our feet like a dog in front of a fire. Ted was explaining how the controller has a ‘safety mode’ so if anything goes wrong you simply ‘flip a switch’ and it will put the plane in a nice gentle turn. Ted turned to me and said “like this!”. With firm confidence he flipped the switch and immediately the plane came to life with full throttle barreling down the track. His face turned white as his plane continued speeding away from him. We were standing on the edge of a track and field, and as you probably know track and fields are fairly open with no obstacles around, except for the tool shed… which his plane was headed directly for. It happened so fast our eyes saw it in slow motion, the plane, the shed, his pale face, Jake’s face spreading into a huge grin……and then with about a foot until impact the plane stopped and nosed over in the grass. There was a collective sigh and nervous laughter after the almost incident. I think Jake was a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see another crash, but honestly it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile.

Even though Ted left with his plane in one piece I think he should hang it up for a while longer or find a new hobby. One thing I’ve quickly learned about flying silly little planes is that you can’t have nervous, twitchy thumbs. I think the majority of people I’ve met are fairly cool but there have been a few that were so nervous about flying they didn’t even look like they were having fun! If you’re not having fun, what’s the point?!

Although I still think that everyone should try it. It’s so freakin’ fun and exciting. It’s like being a kid all over again, except I didn’t get to do any of this as a kid! Nothing gets people talking to you like flying planes. Every time I go out people come up to me and want to look, touch and talk about the plane, especially kids and women. Kids because they’re curious and women because….well let’s face it, I make a damn fine pilot. I’ve had my plane for 2 weeks and have flown about 32 times which I admit is a little crazy! That’s about triple the amount of fly time as my first plane and there are no signs of slowing up, especially as the weather gets nicer and nicer you will find me out at the local school splitting the goalposts, divebombing the kids and circling the skies.  I just hope Dave gets an air worthy plane soon so I can have good stories, either that or maybe I’ll go look for Ted.

End note, Happy Birthday Jake! Sorry you can’t see me fly and possibly crash as I know that’s the thing that would make your b-day bright.

My co-worker just came in to remburse me for an office supply purchase I made.

“Do you have $.08? If you do I can give you an even $15.”

“oh, I might I think I felt some change in my pocket.”

I unloaded my non-key holding pocket (My keys only go in my left pocket and nothing else that way I can always feel if I have them or not) and set the contents on the table.

One crumpled up dollar, plus a quarter and a penny. Two Burt’s Bees chaptsticks (one mint, and one honey flavored), some random pill, a 2gb thumb drive, one used ear plug and a piece of plastic.

I had to laugh. I always have the most random crap in my pockets. All my co-worker could do was say “gross!” I think it was the dirty ear plug that put it over the top.

What about you? What are in your pockets right now?

I swung by Freddies on my way home to buy some cereal for Nick’s 30th bday bash this weekend. Don’t worry, I’m not so lame that I would buy someone cereal for their bday, he just asked me to ’scare some up’ for everyone that is spending the night. In addition I decided to grab some munchies for the road. I couldn’t decide what to get so I got a bag of Munchies. Munchies would be perfect if they would leave out the damn Rold Gold pretzels. That’s a perfectly good way to ruin munchies, stick with the cheetos, doritos and sun chips and it would be divine. I was driving home grabbing fat handfuls to stuff in my face when I suddenly pulled this out….(see pic)

WTF is that?? Now I know you’re thinking that just looks like I’m holding up a delicious chicken nugget and believe me I wish it was because chicken nuggets inside a bag of munchies would make them so much better. In fact if they replaced the Rold’s Gold Pretzels with chicken nuggets I’d buy a bag every week…..but I digress. This is some hard, dry, clumpy object covered in fake dusty cheese. I’m scared to investigate the mysterious object for fear of what I mind find hidden inside the cheese dust clump, could be a mouse, finger or more cheese?!

The question is, I’m about to leave for my mini-road trip and I still have a 3/4 uneaten bag of munchies, should I keep eating them and leave the clump at home? I can’t quite decide. What would you do?

When I reached into the bag and my fingers stumbled across the lump it reminded me of a story my grandmother told me about her brother some years ago. He was a bachelor living at home so his dinner often consisted of Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes. On this night he poured out a heaping bowl, covered it in milk and dove in. About half way through, his spoon struck something solid and he looked down to see something black in his cereal. Thinking it was a dead mouse he immediately jumped up, ran to the bathroom and threw up his milky dinner (I wonder if Rice Krispies snap, crackle and pop on the way out?). After a few minutes he composed himself and came back to the kitchen. He looked into his bowl dug out the black ‘thing’ and realized that it wasn’t a small mouse as he originally thought, but a toy that had fallen out in the middle of all his cereal.

Funny.

I wish I had a toy, I suppose in some places a dry, clumpy mass could be a toy and that’s a nice thought…I just wish they wouldn’t put it in my munchies.

“What if I’m under a blanket?” Came the inquiry from the elderly lady standing in the middle of the room.

“Good question” said the 5’2’ muscular, ball of energy instructor known as Renee.

Without missing a beat Renee sprinted between the 40+ women in the room towards the back wall. She flung a few pads and a man-sized dummy on the floor and grabbed a blue blanket as she ran towards the front of the class. Laying down and pulling the blanket over her body she yelled, “Where’s Micah?”.

Normally anytime a woman is lying flat on her back and calls out my name I am quick to respond. But I had been a little hesitant all day as every time my name was called within seconds I was getting kicked in the groin, hit in the face, elbowed in the ribs, chopped in the throat. That’s not the typical response I strive for from the females but it was all for a good cause as I was the ‘demo guy’ for my Krav Maga school’s Rape Prevention Class. After three and a half hours of it I was glad the class was almost done and that I was still injury free.

 I straddled Renee as she pretended to sleep and began choking her with my hands. –Side note I know that sounds horrible but really I am a nice guy, this isn’t a normal Saturday for me…it was all part of the plan. End side note—

 With surprisingly strong movement she thrust her hips in the air and twisted her body causing me to fall to the side. She continued her motion and I was quickly on my back defending all her blows towards my head. Most of her blows were ‘pulled’ i.e. not full force until “WHACK!”

PAIN

DING……………………………………………………………..

Without warning she smacked me right across my ear hole. I grimaced in pain while she finished pummeling me. When I came to my feet I realized my ear was ringing and I couldn’t hear very well. Frustrated, I discretely walked over to the corner of the room and tried to recover. Fortunately the class was nearly finished and as soon as it was I ducked out and went home.

At home I stood in the shower soaking my sweaty bod and was glad the pain had gone away, but so had my hearing. I wholeheartedly wished I could have the attitude of Dilios in the movie 300 when he loses his eye:

King Leonidas: Dilios, I trust that ‘scratch’ hasn’t made you useless.
Dilios: Hardly, my lord, it’s just an eye. The gods saw fit to grace me with a spare.

And maybe I would have that outlook if only I had a spare. Unfortunately as most people reading this already know, my right ear has been through the battlefields of infections, trauma and the doctor’s knife. The hearing loss is significant and so I rely heavily on the power of my left ear, but no longer since Renee smacked me directly in the left ear.

After much debating and calling the nurse hotline I decided to go to urgent care that night. I didn’t want to, mainly because I try to avoid doctors/hospitals like I do mushrooms but I figured since it was my only good ear I should get it checked out. Nearly two hours of waiting in the waiting room and the little room with the tongue depressors the doc finally came in. He was a young guy with a blonde beard, graying hair and manky teeth. He took a peak and did the standard doctor ‘uhuh’. He told me there was definite trauma to the ear as there was blood on the eardrum. He went to look something up on the computer and left me to wait for another 20 minutes. I was going crazy since I knew the Blazer game was just starting and I was locked in an 8×8 room. As it turns out I wasn’t missing much in the way of a ‘game’, my poor blazies got slaughtered. Young beard doc came back in, took another long look and said that he couldn’t see if there were any tears or holes, but that I should see a specialist ASAP.

Monday rolled around and fortunately I was able to get in the same day to see a specialist. HES was kind enough to pick me up and wait with me to see the new special ear doc. The doc came out and called us back to his room. He was a short man with a soft British voice and genuine spirit. When he smiled, laugh lines descended from his eyes like trenches down to his chin. I liked him already. I told him the story (every doc wants to hear the story) and he said “jolly good show young lad, sounds like you got boxed in the ears! Now let me ‘ave a butchers hook in there before that woman has another go at ‘em.”

He looked and said ‘uhuh’ but didn’t seem ultra happy, which in turn didn’t make me uber happy. He pulled out a pad and drew me a picture of my eardrum, which is actually really easy because it closely resembles a circle. Showed me where there was a small blood clot on the ear and much to my unhappiness that there were also two small tears in the eardrum. He said there was nothing really to do at this point except wait for it to heal. In a normal, healthy ear that hasn’t had much trauma there is over a 74% chance that it will heal on it’s own, if it doesn’t they will do surgery.

So now how I feel is half deaf. I’m not totally deaf as I can talk on the phone, but everything sounds muffled like I’m underwater. My voice sounds like it’s in my chest and not ‘out’ like it usually does. This is most frustrating and I’m doing my best to stay cool and be patient but it’s hard. I have another appointment with Brit Doc next week to see if there is any healing and he said due to all the blood in the head we should be able to see some healing by next week. I sure hope so because I don’t think I can live much longer like this. In the meantime I’m keeping my head up and being thankful that I have two eyes and knowing that Krav Maga really does work. Also I’ve learned my lesson about straddling small women. Don’t. (unless you’re ready for a ride)

I saw this on PostSecret this morning and it just made me laugh. But it also rings true to me. Even in the midst of crappy things life is generally good, it really is what you make it. That’s not the easiest thing to write on a Monday morning before I head into work to run payroll reports and do budget spreadsheets. But is it really that bad? No, not really, it’s pretty good really. Keep your chin up, yell at a horse if you have to.

During a lively email discussion between a couple of friends this morning we got to talking about my one friend’s lack of a girlfriend. We were trying to help the good fellow out with advice on gettin’ the ladies, but suddenly the conversation turned into rhymes about his dating woes.
Please to enjoy. Pipe in with your own!!!

#1
when he should be tomcattin’
he’s lollygaggin’
that’s our Bill
who has never had his fill.
#2
a man without a plan
for getting a WO-man
he needs to step it up at least
if he expects to get a piece

#3
His penis wouldn’t be lonely
If he found a woman that’s homely
And humps like a dream
While he’s eating his iced cream

#4
But if he gave her a break
and bought her a steak
she’d leave him alone
just him and his bone
#5
Ahh..but if he took a chance
And gave her some romance
He might find some luck
When she says “Fancy a F*ck?”

#6 (Bill’s Response)
Archie is smart
Micah likes to fart
f*ck you guys!