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I was sitting at my desk pretending to do some work this afternoon when my friend calls me:
“Hey! Did you upgrade your phone yet?”
“Well now is the time to do it, T-mobile is having an awesome sale this Friday and Saturday where ANY smartphone is free with a 2 year agreement.”
I wasn’t sure if I should believe her so I looked it up on the Internets and sure enough T-mobile is practically giving away phones. I am in dire need of an upgrade since my current (un smart) phone likes to randomly turn off and add extra letters when I type. I think smart phones are cool, but they always seem so expensive so I have avoided upgrading to one.
I wrote my friends who are in love with their smart phones and they gave me some guidance as to what I should get. After the work whistle blew signaling the end to another glorious day I made my way to the T-mobile store to see what all the hype was about. As I entered the store I was greeted by a chubby salesman with bushy mutton chops that would make Elvis turn in his grave.
“What can I do for you?”
“I wanna know about the free phones this weekend.”
Mutton chops immediately shot me a look and said
“Where did you hear about that?!”
I suddenly felt like I was privy to some sort of insider T-mobile info that only Catherine Zeta-Jones or that new girl in the polka dot dress should know.
“Well a friend called me and then I saw it online.”
“Oh, ’cause we’re not supposed to tell anyone yet and I didn’t think T-mobile released any info about it.”
We chatted and I confirmed the deal was as bitchin’ as it sounds and this delighted me down to my frinkly toes. After getting all the details I decided to go check out a few different phones even though I was pretty sure which one I would choose. Most of the phones were off and had a screen shot pasted to the front of the display. Lame. What a great way to sell a smart phone by not turning it on! After some more searching I found a phone what was similar to the one I was looking to get. I started playing around with the display and thought it might be cool to see what the internet and software keyboard felt like.
I opened the internet (amazed I even found it) and since I have never used an on screen keyboard I took my time and slowly tried to navigate to msn.com. After 15 seconds of very deliberate typing I managed to type in ‘msn.cpm’. The little phone crunched away trying to navigate to a site that didn’t exist and I tried to stop it by pushing all of the buttons. Eventually I hit a magic button that brought the phone back to its main screen.
Again I brought up the internet and meticulously typed in m…..s…..n…..com. When I pushed ‘go’ I realized I had added an extra letter and typed in ‘msnm’ (or something like that).
“Damnit!” I exclaimed, just as an elderly man stood next to me and began looking at a phone.
It was then that I encountered the speed of the 4G network. A site quickly popped up and staring back at me were a pair of eyes and other parts of a woman that I did not recognize and words flashed across the screen “The internet’s HOTTEST girls!”
I frantically started pushing buttons on the phone faster than a Stenographer at a murder trial. Nothing I pushed took away the adult images and I’m pretty sure the old man next to me caught a glimpse of ‘Busty Betty’ and ‘Voracious Veronica’. In the midst of my panic I actually ZOOMED in on the web page which was the exact opposite thing I was trying to accomplish. In a flash of brilliance my brain told me to think of home and ‘go home’. I pressed the home button, the phone went back to the home screen and I decided that maybe I should go home as well.
I laughed the whole way home. Some poor soul is going to get an eyeful when they check out the internet features in that T-mobile store, courtesy of me.
On second thought…..maybe I’m not ready for a smart phone.