Archive for Daily Happenings

7 Things I forgot about the Krav Test

A small list of things I forgot:

1. I forgot just how tired the test makes you. I am dog tired today, fortunately I have time for a nap.

2. I forgot just how much you sweat. We’re talking sweat that is constantly streaming from your pores even when ‘resting’.

3. I forgot how much kicking takes it out of you. This is coming from a guy that does 1 hour kickboxing classes regularly!

4. I forgot how much it sucks to ‘hit the wall’ only 1.5 hours in and realizing you have another 2 1/2 hours to go! Fortunately a second wind was soon coming

5. I am amazed at how we’re able to push ourselves beyond what we think we’re able to do.

6. I forgot how good it feels to be done with the night and the instructor says “good job!”.

7. Oh how I forgot about the toll the test takes on my nipples. Stupid dry-fit shirts have rubbed me raw and left me bleeding. Sucks. Today I feel oozy. Gonna have to rig something up for them tonight.

Wish me luck!

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And here I thought I was in shape!

There’s nothing quite like a sweaty, 250lb man lying on top of you to make you realize your cardiovascular system needs some work. You may think I’m describing a recent date I had, but I’m sorry to disappoint that it is not. I still very much enjoy women and if I had my choice of something laying on me, a large man would be one of the last things on my list right up there with a looney tunes anvil . 

Last night was somewhat of a typical night at Krav Maga where we get down and dirty and try to receive a very small taste of what a fighting for your life might feel like. Our instructor likes to run a drill called ‘The Circle of Life’. The drill consists of 5 attackers that surround you and constantly attack you with chokes, headlocks, bear hugs and often times sticks, knives and guns. The point of the exercise is to get your brain to stop thinking about ‘oh what should I do next’ and just react. If you were attacked on the street there would be no time to stop and think or assess the situation, you would just have to react. The drill also helps give you a sample of the tunnel vision and hearing that often comes when your adrenaline kicks in. When the fight is on and your fight or flight response is amped up you lose the ability of your fine motor skills. So unfortunately that means your super-secret-one-fingered death poke is out which is why Krav stresses gross motor movements like elbows, knees and headbutts.

For us advanced students going through the circle of life is still stressful but often we get into a rhythm and thus we don’t benefit from the drill as much as we should. Last night our instructor decided to mix things up and had us execute our combatives but our attackers were to keep attacking as if our strikes didn’t work. Oh man, talk about stressful. A simple choke from the front morphed into a double leg takedown which morphed into 250lbs of man pressing down on me while I struggled to get up. When I finally broke free another set of burly hands were quick to grab me from behind and pull me back to the ground. When I broke free again a headlock came on and yanked me sideways towards the ground. I gave it everything I had, but by this timemy arms were moving like cherry jello in a glass bowl.

When my round was finally over I was spent……all after only 1 minute. Yikes. My lungs were heaving and my legs were ho-ing (does that make sense?). I haven’t felt misery like that in a long time and it took several minutes to get myself back in order. Today I can feel that drill through my back, neck shoulders and legs, amazing! Nearly every day I work out and do weights, running or kickboxing but it appears I need to step it up a notch. Time to get back to the stairs or time to engage myself in more ground fighting before I test for the next level this coming November.

I heard an instructor once say if you can’t fight for your life for at least 2 minutes then forget about it. He’s right. 2 minutes may not seem like a big deal but when you’re on your back and someone bigger than you is choking you while you struggle to get free, 10 seconds feels like an eternity, let alone 2 minutes. Train train train.


Confused drivers and bon-bons

The roads around my office are a mess and have been for over a year. They’ve been that way ever since the City of Portland thought it would be a good idea to install a max line on Grand/MLK and to change the flow of traffic on Burnside and Couch. Nearly every day there is a new street closed or changed in some way making it difficult to get to work on time (or at least that’s my excuse).

My office is tucked away on a dead end street just off of Grand Ave. I love seeing people that think they are smart by taking the side streets around all of the construction mess only to turn onto our little street and realize it’s not a through street. It warms my heart to watch them make the 10-point turn of shame to get turned around and backtrack where they came from. To make matters worse the street south of our office used to be a through street but has been temporarily turned into a dead end due to the huge hole the city is digging into the ground. In order to not surprise anyone there are large orange and white signs that say “ROAD CLOSED” and behind the signs is a menacing back-hoe digger thing that tears the street up. Still this doesn’t stop some people.

I was nearly to my office this morning when I stopped at a stop sign waiting to cross the road with the menacing back-hoe digger and bright orange and white signs. To my right a green Subaru Outback slowly crept down the street. Sitting in the driver’s seat was a woman in her early 60’s wearing a red blazer, large 1980’s style glasses and golden seashell earrings the size of bon-bons (remember bon-bons?!). She was drove with her fingers wrapped around her chin, clearly perplexed as to which direction she should go. I waited impatiently since she had the right of way and I figured she would either turn left or right since the road was closed up ahead.


Like a deer caught in headlights she continued to move forward towards the construction. She pulled right up to the bright orange and white ROAD CLOSED sign and stopped her car. I’m not really sure what she expected to happen at that point but I didn’t get to see the outcome. Perhaps she thought the construction workers would make a road for her or fill in the large gaping crater in the street? Hard to say but I laughed and shook my head as I drove on by. I should’ve stuck around to see her execute a 10-point turn of shame but I had to get to work.


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I am a counter

Throughout my normal day I’ve become increasingly aware of the fact that I am constantly counting. I’m not counting anything important, just anything that my eyes happen to rest upon. I wish I could say this is a super power “my amazing ability to count” but I have found no benefit to it. When Timmy is stuck in a tree no one ever says “Thank God you’re here sequential counting man!” and then I proceed to count the ways of getting Timmy down from the three. That’s a superpower that annoys, rather than helps.

Does anyone else do this or am I alone in my pointless counting?

This morning I was gathering some documents to be mailed and I started counting “1..2..3..4….8” Eight documents in total. Wowee. The problem is I wasn’t sure how many documents were actually supposed to be there so I would’ve been satisfied with 6 or maybe even 10 documents! Counting them was utterly pointless, much like putting butter on a croissant.

I think all of this started from my inventory days when my whole job was to count. Many hours of counting soup, shoes and lumber made me a wizard on the 10-key and a Viking of addition. I started out like any noob with “1..2..3..etc” and I quickly progressed to the popular “2…4…6…8” method of counting. Eventually I learned how to see large groups of numbers and patterns while counting and progressed my counting career.  Now unfortunately I cannot unsee those patterns of numbers and in my day-to-day I’m counting spokes on lowered civic’s rims, the number of blue buttons on my work phone and how many teeth that homeless guy has. Three.

Most of the time I’m fairly accurate in my needless counting, except when I’m doing situps. I don’t know if it’s the up and down movement causing the fluid sloshing around my brain or the lack of blood, but I seem to lose my count quite easily when my abdominals are getting crunched.


After a workout I’d feel good about doing 600 situps but I’ve become increasingly aware of my creative counting and have realized I’m lucky if I did 78. No wonder my abs have refused to surface.  :/

I ever I found myself in an intense hostage-negotiating situation, I’d like to think that my counting skills would come in handy. Combine those skills with my abilities as a top shot and my general badassery and I think I’d look a lot like Korben Dallas as seen below.



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Today is…..

yay for sequential numbers!


Sweet Friday!

What more is there to say? The sun is shining, the wind is calm I think I’ll go fly for a day.

Actually I can’t, I’ve got two (2) BBQ’s to go to this weekend. Lots and lots of meat to eat.

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She’s kind of a $&*!

I had to go to radio shack today. I haven’t gone to radio shack in years and today I remembered why I try to avoid it. I actually like going there to look around, but overall I think I will keep doing my best to avoid it. HES needed a new phone and we were going to order it online, but decided to go to a T-Mobile dealer to touch and fondle the phones before deciding on one. I needed some solder and was told by solder junkies that radio shack had the best stuff.
We walked in and made a B-line towards the phones just as a salesman who called himself Austin made a B-line towards us. I was expecting that, but wasn’t expecting him to actually leave us alone. To our surprise he introduced himself and immediately disappeared, leaving us to fondled (the phones) to our heart’s content. After poking and clicking all the different phone buttons I made my way over to the solder, found what I needed and went to the cash register to pay.
That’s when I saw her. Six-feet tall, wavey brown hair that rested on her shoulders and dark GREEN eyes. She was kind of cute in the face area, but I wasn’t totally enamored with the belly that heavily hung over her sturdy belt. My eyes didn’t linger too long as I was only interested in getting my solder and going to COSTCO!

Pretty-in-the-face-fat-in-the-belly-girl: Are you all ready?

Me: Yup

PITFFITBG: Before I ring this up would you be interested in a GPS? They’re on special for only $99.99.

Me: Nope, I’ve got my brain to help me with directions.

PITFFITBG: (condescendingly) Oh right, you don’t need a GPS because you’re a guy.

Me: No, it’s not that, I’ve lived in this city for 23 years and I pretty much know my way around.

PITFFITBG: Not me, I don’t have a very good sense of direction.

Me: Yeah, that’s like my sister, she needs specific directions, starting from her front door.

PITTFFITBG: Ok would you like any batteries?

(Always with the batteries!)

Me: No just the solder

She runs the transaction and it seems like I’m going to get out of there with minimal hassle. Stapling my receipt she says:

PITFFITBG: So you have T-mobile huh? When are you going to upgrade?

Me: (annoyed) Upgrade to what?

PITFFITBG: You don’t know? To Vibrant! Vibrant is amazing.

Me: Oh I see, but I–
PITFFITBG: What kind of phone to do you have?

(Realizing any phone I named would be less than the vibrant)

Me: Just a phone. It dials and texts, that’s all I need.

PITFFITBG: You need to see the vibrant! Austin, go in the back and get a vibrant!

I shot a piercing look to Austin who appeared a tad miserable as his hoochie coworker was desperately trying to sell me some piece of shit that I clearly did not want or need.

Me: Don’t bother Austin, I don’t want to see it, I’ve got all the vibrant I need, I’m vibrant on the inside!

And with that I turned and walked away, but not before fatty gave a parting shot dripping with sarcasm and attitude towards HES (who had been quiet this whole time).

PITFFITBG: Wow he uses his brain for directions AND he’s full of vibrant, you’ve got a real keeper there girl.

My ears were surprised that she would cut such a tone with me because I didn’t want to buy crap I didn’t need. For a split second I really thought about turning around and giving her a few words, but I figured anything I had to say would be lost on a minimum wage employee at radio shack. Instead I walked out, turned to HES and said in disbelief “Wow she was kind of a $%#!” HES agreed with a healthy nod and with that we went to COSTCO! We got a new phone with all the trimmings for far less than radio shack could have offered……without any of the hassle.
Plus we got samples, lots and lots of samples.

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I guess they’re like buttons

A few weeks back the whole family made the trek to the farm. It was warm and beautiful and a little crowded with all of us under one roof. One morning after showering I was in the bedroom getting dressed for the day. I had just finished putting my pants on (thankfully) when my 4-year old niece, who hasn’t fully grasped the concept of knocking, sauntered in. “I can see your nipples!” she exclaimed as she excitedly reached up and poked my left nipple. Feeling slightly embarrassed I thanked her for poking me and hurriedly put my shirt on. Without missing a beat she deadpanned “I can still see them” and reached up and poked them again. I don’t know what my sis is teaching this girl but she sure is fascinated with male nips….

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Time for an update. But I’m at the farm. Maybe when I get back.

Dang Facebook stole my wind for awhile, but I need to get back on this beast.

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Thermal Fluke

(Phone rings)
Lady: Hi I’m with the Fluke corporation how are you doing today?

Me: I’m well and yourself?

Lady: Great, thanks for asking. We’re conducting a survey among electricians to find out how many of them are using thermal imaging on the job site. Can you tell me how many employees are using thermal imaging?

Me: Uuhh..this is an association, we don’t actually have any electricians here.

Lady: Oh, I’m sorry please disregard this call, my mistake.

Me: That’s ok, I guess it was a fluke!

Lady: hahahahahahahahaha, oh awesome. Thanks…hahahahah
(she really thought it was funny)

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