Archive for Funny

The T-mobile Store - For Adults Only

I was sitting at my desk pretending to do some work this afternoon when my friend calls me:

“Hey! Did you upgrade your phone yet?”


“Well now is the time to do it, T-mobile is having an awesome sale this Friday and Saturday where ANY smartphone is free with a 2 year agreement.”

“No way.”

“Yes way!”

I wasn’t sure if I should believe her so I looked it up on the Internets and sure enough T-mobile is practically giving away phones. I am in dire need of an upgrade since my current (un smart) phone likes to randomly turn off and add extra letters when I type. I think smart phones are cool, but they always seem so expensive so I have avoided upgrading to one.

I wrote my friends who are in love with their smart phones and they gave me some guidance as to what I should get. After the work whistle blew signaling the end to another glorious day I made my way to the T-mobile store to see what all the hype was about. As I entered the store I was greeted by a chubby salesman with bushy mutton chops that would make Elvis turn in his grave.

“What can I do for you?”

“I wanna know about the free phones this weekend.”

Mutton chops immediately shot me a look and said

“Where did you hear about that?!”

I suddenly felt like I was privy to some sort of insider T-mobile info that only Catherine Zeta-Jones or that new girl in the polka dot dress should know.

“Well a friend called me and then I saw it online.”

“Oh, ’cause we’re not supposed to tell anyone yet and I didn’t think T-mobile released any info about it.”

We chatted and I confirmed the deal was as bitchin’ as it sounds and this delighted me down to my frinkly toes. After getting all the details I decided to go check out a few different phones even though I was pretty sure which one I would choose. Most of the phones were off and had a screen shot pasted to the front of the display. Lame. What a great way to sell a smart phone by not turning it on! After some more searching I found a phone what was similar to the one I was looking to get. I started playing around with the display and thought it might be cool to see what the internet and software keyboard felt like.

I opened the internet (amazed I even found it) and since I have never used an on screen keyboard I took my time and slowly tried to navigate to After 15 seconds of very deliberate typing I managed to type in ‘msn.cpm’. The little phone crunched away trying to navigate to a site that didn’t exist and I tried to stop it by pushing all of the buttons. Eventually I hit a magic button that brought the phone back to its main screen.

Again I brought up the internet and meticulously typed in m…..s…..n… When I pushed ‘go’ I realized I had added an extra letter and typed in ‘msnm’ (or something like that).

“Damnit!” I exclaimed, just as an elderly man stood next to me and began looking at a phone.

It was then that I encountered the speed of the 4G network. A site quickly popped up and staring back at me were a pair of eyes and other parts of a woman that I did not recognize and words flashed across the screen “The internet’s HOTTEST girls!”


I frantically started pushing buttons on the phone faster than a Stenographer at a murder trial. Nothing I pushed took away the adult images and I’m pretty sure the old man next to me caught a glimpse of ‘Busty Betty’ and ‘Voracious Veronica’. In the midst of my panic I actually ZOOMED in on the web page which was the exact opposite thing I was trying to accomplish. In a flash of brilliance my brain told me to think of home and ‘go home’. I pressed the home button, the phone went back to the home screen and I decided that maybe I should go home as well.

I laughed the whole way home. Some poor soul is going to get an eyeful when they check out the internet features in that T-mobile store, courtesy of me.

On second thought…..maybe I’m not ready for a smart phone.

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Confused drivers and bon-bons

The roads around my office are a mess and have been for over a year. They’ve been that way ever since the City of Portland thought it would be a good idea to install a max line on Grand/MLK and to change the flow of traffic on Burnside and Couch. Nearly every day there is a new street closed or changed in some way making it difficult to get to work on time (or at least that’s my excuse).

My office is tucked away on a dead end street just off of Grand Ave. I love seeing people that think they are smart by taking the side streets around all of the construction mess only to turn onto our little street and realize it’s not a through street. It warms my heart to watch them make the 10-point turn of shame to get turned around and backtrack where they came from. To make matters worse the street south of our office used to be a through street but has been temporarily turned into a dead end due to the huge hole the city is digging into the ground. In order to not surprise anyone there are large orange and white signs that say “ROAD CLOSED” and behind the signs is a menacing back-hoe digger thing that tears the street up. Still this doesn’t stop some people.

I was nearly to my office this morning when I stopped at a stop sign waiting to cross the road with the menacing back-hoe digger and bright orange and white signs. To my right a green Subaru Outback slowly crept down the street. Sitting in the driver’s seat was a woman in her early 60’s wearing a red blazer, large 1980’s style glasses and golden seashell earrings the size of bon-bons (remember bon-bons?!). She was drove with her fingers wrapped around her chin, clearly perplexed as to which direction she should go. I waited impatiently since she had the right of way and I figured she would either turn left or right since the road was closed up ahead.


Like a deer caught in headlights she continued to move forward towards the construction. She pulled right up to the bright orange and white ROAD CLOSED sign and stopped her car. I’m not really sure what she expected to happen at that point but I didn’t get to see the outcome. Perhaps she thought the construction workers would make a road for her or fill in the large gaping crater in the street? Hard to say but I laughed and shook my head as I drove on by. I should’ve stuck around to see her execute a 10-point turn of shame but I had to get to work.


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But don’t you need to jailbreak it?

This is Tony through and through. If you ask Tony what he’s thinking, he’ll tell you he’s thinking about the latest and greatest Droid phone. If you ask him what he’s doing he’s playing with his Droid phone and if you ask him where he’s going, he’ll tell you he’s going to talk on his Droid phone. Tony loves his Droid phone and he never misses and opportunity to tell anyone about it.

This comic reminded me of him.

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The Glorious Zach Anner

It seems some people haven’t heard of Zach Anner, well learn who he is!

Here is his original submission video that set the internets ablaze:

After the audition he disappeared for awhile and people were sad that he had already had his 15 minutes of fame, but I think he still has more in him.

I love this guy’s spirit and humor, so funny and easy going despite his sexy palsy.

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Thermal Fluke

(Phone rings)
Lady: Hi I’m with the Fluke corporation how are you doing today?

Me: I’m well and yourself?

Lady: Great, thanks for asking. We’re conducting a survey among electricians to find out how many of them are using thermal imaging on the job site. Can you tell me how many employees are using thermal imaging?

Me: Uuhh..this is an association, we don’t actually have any electricians here.

Lady: Oh, I’m sorry please disregard this call, my mistake.

Me: That’s ok, I guess it was a fluke!

Lady: hahahahahahahahaha, oh awesome. Thanks…hahahahah
(she really thought it was funny)

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OK, No More Zombie Games Before Bed

Usually before bedtime I like to unwind with one the following: a little guitar playing, tv show watching, muscle admiring, music listening or video game playing. Lately the video game playing has won out over the rest. I really should not play right before bed because there is nothing like getting all amped up and blasting bad guys to relax. Regardless, that has been the general routine over the past few weeks. There were some great zombie-themed sales going on in video game land this weekend and I decided to take the bait. Lately everyone has been talking about Left 4 Dead 2, how fun it is and this weekend it was half price. A few years back I played Left 4 Dead (one) at Ty’s house and it was fun. Although I do remember having to sit close to his tiny 32″ TV in order to see my character, plus he made me play on the bottom screen which is just terrible since my eyes tend to wander towards the top of the screen and end up watching his screen. It’s not very helpful to look at the wrong screen when you’re surrounded by pixelated zombies.

In Left 4 Dead you play as one of four survivors after a zombie outbreak, I really don’t know much more of the story beyond that since i haven’t really spent that much time in it. From the little I have played I think that is pretty much the goal of the game, kill zombies/stay alive. Yesterday I downloaded L4D2, played a bit of it and it was fun although the zombies were a lot faster than I had remembered. Aren’t zombies supposed to be slow and lumbering? When did the fast zombie begin to be the norm?

I usually have the unique ability to watch movies  or play these games before bed and not dream about them. A few months back I re-watched HBO’s Band of Brothers and although I’d often watch them right before bed, I never dreamt about war or killing or anything. It wasn’t until I started reading books about the men portrayed in BoB that I began to have the most vivid dreams about war and killing. Interesting how the brain works.

Last night I fell asleep and was immediately greeted by zombies surrounding me. The dream was very matter of fact and not scary at all. Even though I was surrounded I was simply moving around and circle strafing while I efficiently and methodically blasted the undead away from me. I was as calm as taking out the trash. After I had finished eliminating all the bad guys I threw my guns down on the ground (much like a vid game) and went inside. I have no idea why, but once I was inside I immediately made my way over to a pull up bar and began doing inverted pull ups because y’know, who doesn’t want to dream about working out? I was several pull ups in when without warning something was behind me. I stopped for a split second to listen as the silence was broken by the most unearthly growl man has ever heard. I immediately knew it was a zombie dog and I jerked my body up (remember I was upside down) while I let out a whimpering yell that crossed over into real life causing me to wake up and kick the wall. I laid awake in bed with only the sound of my racing heartbeat filling my ears. For a split second I was too scared to roll over and look behind me for fear of a slobbering zombie dog. I finally did roll over and was relieved to not find any undead canines staring at my face.

I don’t think in the history of my dreaming I have ever woken up screaming…err yelling. Men can’t really scream IMO so I’ll call it a higher pitched yell. Maybe it’s time to start playing gentle music before bedtime or flexing my bubbly biceps in the mirror instead of blowing heads off of half-decomposed people. Who knows, we’ll see what tonight brings.

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The misunderstood semicolon

Where were these types of English lessons when I was in school?! I think I would’ve been a better student if I had a teacher like this.

How to use; a semicolon. 

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Might have to clear this up

I just received this email from my dad:

“Mikayla (My 3 year old niece) was talking to me this morning and I thought she asked if Uncle Otto lived at my place and I said he had died. Your mother later told me that she was talking about Uncle Micah–so she might think you are dead–you better go visit her. Sorry about that, but it’s hard to understand her.”

Oh well, imagine her delight when she sees me again! I hope she’s not too shaken up about it, but at 3 years old it is nothing a little Barbie or Dora the Explorer couldn’t cure.

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Top 10 misspelled words.

Oh man. This could not come at a better time. I was just hopelessly harassing HES this morning about her accidental misuse of the word lose/loose. I’m not usually a grammar Nazi like my friend Phil, but lose/loose always gets me. I can forgive there, their, they’re and it’s, its, heck I can even look past then, than but when you workout you lose the weight and then your pants become loose. There is nothing loose about a fat person. That’s how I remember it. Their pants are tight, arteries are tight…if they’re big enough maybe you could say that their backside-arm-jobbys are loose but if they’re packing around loose arm jobbys they need to lose weight.

Sorry, that was quite a rant. Now on to the link!

Don’t be an A-hole, definitely go to the oatmeal and laugh.

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I’m not a very good boyfriend

I found this out last night en route to my friend Liz’s wedding reception. I was all suited up in my sharp duds and fancy shoes walking arm in arm with HES on my side. It was cold out (as we all know) and even though I thought we were moving along at a brisk pace m’lady asked if we could step it up a notch since she was shivering and cold. Quickening our pace we approached the crosswalk where HES suggested that we cross. I began to look left and then right to see if it was safe but my concentration was interrupted as I felt a strong downward pull on my left arm. On the corner of my eye I could see that HES was down near the ground and I thought “what is she do—” when without warning my left foot shot up towards the sky, followed by my right foot. I remember seeing the crosswalk, then the lights, the sky (ooh look Orion!) then the sidewalk…up close. It seems that even though the streets were wet and above freezing, the dippy part of the sidewalk that segues into the street was a sheet of ice.

Yes friends, I fell on my girlfriend. Not just any fall mind you, not a half trip where I land on her foot or a slip where I half catch her as I fall. Nope. I’m not that good. This was a 100% feet flying out from underneath you fall and the only reason I’m still alive to talk about it is because the girlfriend cushioned my fall. I’m not saying she’s ‘cushy’ no no, I would never say that, I’m just saying she was a barrier between me and the hard cold ground. Laying on the hard cold ground in your spiffy duds doesn’t make one feel very cool. I quickly sprang up to make sure she was ok, but really I was trying to stifle my laughter. I probably wouldn’t have fallen had she not pulled me down, I was strong until my slippery dress shoes made contact with the ice, after that it was all over. Not even He-man could’ve kept his balance.

We dusted ourselves off and made sure the middle age ladies approaching the crosswalk didn’t try our trick of falling and proceeded to go to the reception. At the reception is where I learned the #2 reason why I’m not a very good boyfriend. At some point I apparently told HES that this reception was ‘casual’ which I don’t remember doing, but I must have. I thought HES looked beautiful but after about 2 minutes she turned to me and said “well great I feel completely out of place” I figured it was because she didn’t know anyone, but in reality it was because everyone was so spiffed up. Whoops. I offered her my suit, but she didn’t want to switch. I guess, you can’t win them all. We quickly ordered up some wine to soothe her nervous soul and to ease the bruise on her knee, after the wine kicked in the night went off without a hitch.

Probably reason 2.5 that I’m not a very good boyfriend is that during the reception and especially during the sentimental slide show I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t have a funny joke in my head but all I could see was us falling in the crosswalk. I’m sure I was getting the evil eye from the people sitting behind me. Even right now I’m giggling to myself about the fall. Man! I’m such a 10-year old.

After the reception we crossed at a different crosswalk and made it home safe. For the record I don’t think boyfriends should be responsible for telling girlfriends what to wear, we’re clueless. Heck, this one can’t even prevent himself from falling on his girlfriend! Casual, formal it’s all the same to me!

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