Archive for Funny

Things you should have seen

Sitting behind a computer at work all day affords certain luxuries. Carpel Tunnel, a sore ass and the ability to be a part of all the latest Internet Memes. Having an on going email thread with my friends Phil and Kelli there is not much I miss. Throughout the day one or both of them will fill my inbox with the latest and greatest videos, jokes, news articles and crazy things from the land of the Internet. I do my best to keep up but sometimes I do fall behind. When I am away from the computer I may make a reference to something seen online and I can be sure 99% of the time that P and K will get it and laugh joyously with me. But when I’m around friends that don’t spend their lives on the Internet or more specifically my sister, my joke falls on deaf, confused ears. And that just makes me sad.

I was excited yesterday to find “Greg Rutter’s Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You’re a Loser or Old or Something“. After a few clicks I realized I had found a goldmine. Something for people like my sister that think the Internet is only good for checking your email and googling something (even then she has a bit of trouble). Finally we can have a conversation full of pop culture references and my well timed jokes will not fall flat.

After clicking a few of these I realized there were a few that I had completely missed. I had often seen or heard about Leeroy Jenkins but didn’t get it. Then, (thanks to this list) I was educated. I laughed and fully understood what pulling a Leeroy Jenkins was all about. H.E.S. came over last night and I was floored that she had hardly seen any off the list. We spent the night clicking through a bunch and each time I was surprised that she hand never seen things like “Diet coke and Mentos” “You’re the man now dog” (that one is as old as the Internet) “I Can Has Cheezburger” and I couldn’t believe she had never been “Rick Rolled”. Don’t worry I educated her real good in Internet last night.

I am glad to see that ‘Grape Stomp‘ is right at the top as this has been one of my favorite videos for years. Some other highlights are ‘Spaghetti Cat‘, ‘David after Dentist‘ and one I had never seen before ‘Battle at Kruger (lions vs buffalos vs crocodiles)‘ that last one is 8 minutes long and worth all 8…very cool.

So the challenge to my sister and H.E.S. or anyone else that doesn’t know what ‘All your base are belong to us” means is to watch 3 a day until you’ve seen them all. Some are weird and boring, some are hilarious or confusing and a few might be a little vulgar, but stick to the list and you’ll get through them in about a month. If you have questions as to what you just watched come and here and I’ll try to give you an answer. If I don’t know the answer P and K are only a txt away. You may not be better person at the end of it, or smarter but at least you’ll have some good insight into what the hell people are talking about when they say “Play him off keyboard cat!“.

Come back in a month and let me know how it went!

Go to www.youshouldhaveseenthis.com/

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Wake me up


The suitcases under my eyes are testaments to the fact that I stayed up too late last night. I didn’t mean to, it just happens. Seems that most nights are like that. I had a hard time getting up today. I actually woke up before my alarm but just laid there wishing I could fall back into dreamland. I got up and went to the living room for some morning calisthenics to wake me up. After some stretching, situps and leg raises I flopped on the couch like a lazy bum. I just wasn’t into it. My body didn’t feel like moving and my head was thick. I felt sleep quickly taking over me until I forced myself to get up and get ready to avoid being late for work.

I walked back to my room to grab my towel and clean boxers before I headed to the shower. It took me only 7.6 seconds to retrieve my things so you can imagine my surprise when I came back to the living room and there was a figure standing in the entryway. My eyes snapped open, pupils dilated, fists clenched and my skin burning hot, ready to head-butt, tackle, elbow, knee (basically Krav Maga the hell out of the intruder) or whatever it would take to protect myself. Fortunately before I took flight towards this evil doer my eyes communicated with my brain that this threat was actually my house mate and I should not attack her with great fury.

Me: “OH! You scared the crap out of me!”

House Mate: “Sorry I had to come home and get a camera.”

Me: “Man, I just about attacked you…my skin is still buzzin!”

Now fully awake after jumping out of my skin I relaxed in the hot shower. The morning jolt reminded me of another intruder incident years earlier.

I had just graduated college and was still living near campus in my ghetto apartment. It was a magical time when I had no money and ramen was on the daily menu. I landed a temporary job (one that lasted 2 years) doing inventory for a professional inventory company. Since most stores like you to do the countin’ when they’re closed, the hours were either really early or really late. Lack of a sleep was a common theme as were midday naps.

One morning at 4 am I was particularly groggy as I stumbled down the stairs towards the kitchen. Clearing the sleep from my eyes I rounded the bottom of the stairs and was shocked to be face-to-face with a shadow in the night. In a flash of ferocity my feet dug into the carpet as I flung myself towards this detestable demon in my house. Sailing through the air I cocked my arm back like Mike Tyson (young Tyson, before the drugs and the weird face tattoo) winding up for a knockout punch. With adrenaline coursing through every cell in my body I gritted my teeth as I seethed in anticipation of impact. A millisecond before total devastation the hazy figure turned around and between the heartbeats in my eardrums I heard a faint “oooooohhhh Mic…..”

My brain instantly recognized the voice as my eccentric Japanese roommate, but my body was already en route to destroy him. I de-cocked my arm, tried to put the brakes on and avoid him, but I still managed to bash into him in the dark hallway.

Me: “bleepity bleep Yoshi! You scared the bleep outta me!”

Yoshi: “oooooh…Sorry.”

And that’s all he could say. He tromped back upstairs to his warm bed completely unaware that he was just about torn apart from limb to limb. It took a moment for me to calm down and stop shaking from having my heart rev up from 65 to 200 in the early morning hours.

 To this day I have no idea what he was doing in the hallway at 4am. He was by the toilet so maybe he was flushing one of his famous book reports down. Who knows, but he was very effective in waking me up, much like today. I’m glad my fists have never connected with an innocent roommate, but if people keep sneaking up on a half asleep Micah, someone is going to get hurt!

 

 

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Top Gun Skills

After logging 40 flights in 3 weeks on my new RC plane one might say I’m a little addicted.  As you can imagine, I was plenty excited to pack my plane up and take it to Idaho this past Memorial Day weekend. Idaho is a magical land of rolling hills, blue skies and cow pies, but I wasn’t as interested in the pies as the first two. I’ve become quite skilled at flying in the confined local high school track and field area so I was thrilled to fly in an area that contained no goalposts or stadium lights. The family farm seemed like such a place. The country provides such openness that I was even willing to have my father and H.E.S. have a go on the controls.

The three of us walked up the lane behind the house, we found a perfect flying spot high up on a hill with a gorgeous 360-degree view of the green countryside. After a quick pre-flight check I launched my plane gently in the air. After a few minutes of soaring and climbing I had the plane about 4 mistakes high so I shoved the radio into H.E.S.’s hands. She flew along fairly well for a couple of minutes until the plane started to get away from her and she panicked saying “uh oh, what do I do?”. It seemed the plane got sucked into a vortex and wanted to fly farther and farther away, or at least that’s what she said happened.

“Let’s go ahead and reel her back in” I said as I took the radio back in my hands.

After a smooth landing and a battery change I once again took to the skies with my Super Cub. I put the plane about 5 mistakes high before handing the controls over to my Dad. He did fairly well for his first flight out until I realized the plane was being sucked into the very same vortex that H.E.S. had experience earlier, except this time it appeared as if my dad was trying to rototill the fields with the plane’s propeller. I grabbed the controls just in time to avoid the hard ground. I flew the remaining battery out and brought her in for a nice gentle landing. Things were going smoothly as I was landing the plane towards us until I quickly realized I had too much speed and height to land. Instead of throttling up for another approach I put my hand out to catch the plane (stupid I know). This was effective in not only knocking the plane out of the sky but also slicing my hand open with the spinning propeller. I bent the hell out of my propeller so much that it looked more like an uppercase “L” rather than a nice, straight capital “I”. With no fresh batteries remaining and a bent propeller, we decided to pack everything up and head back to the house.

Later that evening I put on a new prop and charged up a couple batteries. I wanted to get the bird back in the air to make sure everything was still functioning properly after my earlier faux pas. With nightfall fast approaching I grabbed my plane and headed outside. My dad had already retired to his place about a mile down the road and H.E.S. said she felt like staying in, so I went alone.

I did my preflight and powered up the Super Cub. She took off with the greatest of ease and climbed nicely against the golden clouds and the setting sun. I quickly found myself smiling and having a great time soaring high with the beautiful backdrop of the countryside in view. About halfway through the battery I was feeling confident and decided that I would keep the plane high above my head as I slowly walked down the hill back towards the house. This ‘brilliant’ idea was going along swimmingly until I suddenly realized I was in a small valley between two hills.

Then it happened.

I was so focused on my plane high in the distance that I failed to notice the gigantic pine tree in front of me about to obstruct my view. My plane flew out of view behind the tree; I panicked and ran up the hill around the tree fully expecting to see my plane in view on the other side. Instead all I saw were blue skies and pink clouds glowing from the sunset.  Frantically my eyes scanned the horizon and my ears tuned in to catch any sound from the familiar buzzing…nothing. Only stillness and the cricket’s song filled the air. My heart sank and I stood there motionless as I slowly throttled down my radio, visualizing bringing the plane in to a soft landing. I had last seen the plane heading away from me so I did a sweeping left turn in hopes the plane would land somewhere on our property, I panned the sky one last time and when my eyes failed to locate anything I turned the throttle completely off.

Darkness was fast descending across the hills so I began running up and down the rural road and through the fields searching for my plane like a boy after his lost dog. I thought it would be easy to spot a large white object against the dark green and brown fields but I had no luck. Frustrated, I slowly walked back to the farmhouse. Covered in sweat and dirt from my search I opened the creaky door to the house. As I entered H.E.S. looked up from the TV and said “Where have you been? It’s dark out there!”. I sat down in the Lazyboy next to the couch with only my radio in hand. Looking down at the floor I mumbled “I….I lost my plane….”

“You what?!” she exclaimed incredulously.

“Yeah, well it got away from me, and now I can’t find it.” I said mopily.

In disbelief H.E.S. replied, “I can’t believe you lost your plane”.

And with that a broad smile spread across her face as her quiet giggles filled the air. For the rest of the night anytime she’d talk about the plane she’d start laughing. Apparently it was the funniest thing she had heard all week. I was unable to see the humor.

I slept restlessly that night with dreams of my plane in pieces, strewn across a vast field. Morning comes early on the farm and I was up before anyone else. I quickly dressed and snuck out to launch my search and rescue operation. I drove down the road and looked in the area where I thought my plane should be. Nothing. All I saw were green fields, fences and sleeping horses (I was up before the horses!). After driving back and forth down the road I headed towards my dad’s place a mile down the road. I wasn’t sure why I was going there but I figured he’d be up and I could tell him my woes.

I pulled up to the house and sure enough, even though it was barely 7:00am he was already awake, talking on the phone! We stood in the early morning sun chatting and I told him the story of how I lost my plane.

Dad: “Where abouts did you last see it?”

Me: “Oh somewhere SE of the farm. It’s really hard to tell since it was so high and far away. When I lost sight of it I did a left turn hoping to fly it closer to the house”.

Dad: “That’s funny because I saw the most amazing thing last night. I had just come in from watching the sunset and I walked to the window in the kitchen to catch one last glimpse of the scenery. I was looking at the horizon when this large white bird suddenly soared into my view. It was quite big, but it never flapped it’s wings. It came in, swooped to the left and disappeared behind the tree line of the neighbor’s property. I didn’t think much about it at the time, plus I didn’t have my glasses on so I didn’t know what I saw. But, I bet that was your plane!”

Me: “No way…..”

Dad: “Let’s drive down the road and take a look.”

We drove down the lane towards the neighbor’s driveway and got out. I didn’t have my hopes up because I thought my dad was either seeing things or just pulling my leg for a funny gag. He was ahead of me walking up the driveway when he stopped and said, “There it is right there.”

“Waaaa???” Was my only response. I looked up and saw my plane parked perfectly alongside the driveway, right next to a post. The morning dew glistened off her wide wing and I admittedly ran like a little kid up the driveway to the plane. I picked her up, examined the whole body and was amazed to find everything intact. Not one ding, scratch or dent. What an incredible surprise. We hopped in the car and happily drove back to grandma’s house.

My father and I had a good laugh over breakfast as we told the rest of the family. The chocolate chip scones and cheesy omlettes never tasted so good.

The night I lost the plane H.E.S. thought it was so funny because I had apparently been fairly cocky about my flying skills. I suppose a little humility is a good thing to keep one grounded but as it turns out, I have no need for any of that humility business. I can land my plane a half mile away with no visual….yes friends I am that good.

Need flying lessons? Inquire within.  

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Bringing out the kid in me


You may find this hard to believe but I like to have fun. Not the kind of fun that involves sweaty presidents, hookers and blow, but more along the lines of good ol’ fashioned wholesome fun.  Sure I’ve always liked to laugh when people fall on the escalator or when a kid bangs his head on the playground turtle shell, but as it turns out that kid inside of me has never quite grown up. I still get a kick out of playing with toys. Not necessarily HE-Man and TMNT Action Figures but more along the lines of little cars that go fast and aeroplanes that go NEEEEAAARRRR…. (y’know, the sound a plane makes).

A couple of years ago I bought my first plane. Dave and I decided on the same model as it was good for beginners, plus it had the ability to install the ‘Sonic Combat Module’ which is a small device that emits sound waves that ‘shoot’ down your friend’s plane. The thought of dave’s plane tumbling out of the sky at my hands made me giddy with glee. Unfortunately I never got the chance to shoot Dave down since he crashed plenty on his own. It’s not entirely his fault as our planes were cheap and good entry level ones, but when flying it felt more like trying to steer the titanic than fly an airplane. By the end of the summer my plane was mostly destroyed, not so much by crashes but by a heavy banjo case with a vendetta.

I always wanted to get back into the hobby , but working in Real Estate tends to suck up every nice weekend and I just felt like I had no time. Every time the warm, sunny season came around I’d always feel the urge to go buy a plane and try to fly it, but never did. A couple of weeks ago I was talking with HES and she said she’s always wanted to try and fly an R/C plane, I couldn’t believe my ear! Turns out that was the spark I needed to restart my flying desire. I did my research, found the best deal and the best beginner plane and within a week was the proud new owner of a Hobbyzone Super Cub.

After waiting a couple of days for the weather to clear up I couldn’t wait to get my new bird in the air. Unfortunately I quickly learned that just because the sky is clear doesn’t mean you should fly. It was way too windy for my maiden voyage and my plane was all over the place. Add on inexperience, first flight nerves and Dave yelling in my ear “it’s flying it’s flying!!!” it made for one hell of a ride. I had a couple of hard landings, but didn’t break anything, only bent the landing gear. I went out the next day and again it was really too windy to be flying. My plane was all over the place and I was getting flustered when suddenly the weather gods smiled upon me and there was a stretch of peaceful calmness. Even with the serene air my plane was still all over the place! It was then I realized that the problem wasn’t so much the wind, but the problem was me, I was over controlling the plane, sending it into dives, stalls and horrible situations. Once the weather chilled out so did I and almost instantly I got the hang of it!

Once I was in the zone, understood the limits of my plane and that I could take off and land with the greatest of ease all I wanted to do was fly. And fly I did. A couple Saturdays ago I met up with Dave at the local High School to do some flying. He still had his barely air worthy frankenplane from years past and he thought it would be fun to try and fly. I launched my plane in the air and it circled high above our heads. As I was flying, two other R/C’ers showed up and craned their necks skyward. Things were going along beautifully until I quickly realized something was wrong when HES said “you’re dying”. My plane was losing altitude and I could see that the prop had stopped spinning. The battery had died and I was concentrating so hard on gliding it into a soft landing that I completely failed to see the huge football upright my plane was headed towards. I snapped to my senses just as my wing smashed into the tall metal pole. The plane tumbled down and all I heard was “OUCH!” “WHOOOPS” and “….ohhh Micah…..” from the gathered crowd. The crash took a chunk out of my wing but other than that nothing was broken! Fortunately one of the other flyers had some awesome super glue that he let me use. Jake showed up right after I crashed and was sad because that’s the only thing he came to see. Luckily he didn’t have to wait long as Dave stepped up to fly his plane. Like a seasoned pro Dave picked up his plane, did his pre-flight check and proceeded to hand launch his plane into the football upright directly in front of him. His bird came tumbling down in a bright orange flash and smashed into pieces on the ground. Once again the gasps came from the crowd but on the corner of my eye I could see Jake was elated.

Dave did a doozy on his plane and was done for the day. I was holding the pieces of my wing together waiting for the glue to set when another RC’er came to join us, we’ll call him Ted. Turns out Ted hadn’t flown in a year and the last time he did he completely destroyed his plane and had just finished getting it all back together. After much talk Ted finally decided to take it up in the air. He took off and flew fairly well but was a total nervous Nathan as he flew. It didn’t take long before he brought the plane in explaining that it was ‘too windy’ (it wasn’t). Ted talked a bunch more until I was finally ready to take to the skies again. I was nervous to see if my plane would fly again and thankfully she took right off, piercing the air above. Everything worked great and I ran the battery down, but not enough to crash again. Ted was amazed at how quickly my plane could take off and wanted to see if his could do the same. Jake ‘encouraged’ him to try it and sure enough he took off almost straight up until he got too nervous to fly and quickly brought the plane down.

We were done flying but Ted kept talking to me and showing me his fancy-shmancy controller. His plane was resting peacefully by our feet like a dog in front of a fire. Ted was explaining how the controller has a ‘safety mode’ so if anything goes wrong you simply ‘flip a switch’ and it will put the plane in a nice gentle turn. Ted turned to me and said “like this!”. With firm confidence he flipped the switch and immediately the plane came to life with full throttle barreling down the track. His face turned white as his plane continued speeding away from him. We were standing on the edge of a track and field, and as you probably know track and fields are fairly open with no obstacles around, except for the tool shed… which his plane was headed directly for. It happened so fast our eyes saw it in slow motion, the plane, the shed, his pale face, Jake’s face spreading into a huge grin……and then with about a foot until impact the plane stopped and nosed over in the grass. There was a collective sigh and nervous laughter after the almost incident. I think Jake was a little disappointed that he didn’t get to see another crash, but honestly it was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in awhile.

Even though Ted left with his plane in one piece I think he should hang it up for a while longer or find a new hobby. One thing I’ve quickly learned about flying silly little planes is that you can’t have nervous, twitchy thumbs. I think the majority of people I’ve met are fairly cool but there have been a few that were so nervous about flying they didn’t even look like they were having fun! If you’re not having fun, what’s the point?!

Although I still think that everyone should try it. It’s so freakin’ fun and exciting. It’s like being a kid all over again, except I didn’t get to do any of this as a kid! Nothing gets people talking to you like flying planes. Every time I go out people come up to me and want to look, touch and talk about the plane, especially kids and women. Kids because they’re curious and women because….well let’s face it, I make a damn fine pilot. I’ve had my plane for 2 weeks and have flown about 32 times which I admit is a little crazy! That’s about triple the amount of fly time as my first plane and there are no signs of slowing up, especially as the weather gets nicer and nicer you will find me out at the local school splitting the goalposts, divebombing the kids and circling the skies.  I just hope Dave gets an air worthy plane soon so I can have good stories, either that or maybe I’ll go look for Ted.


 

 

End note, Happy Birthday Jake! Sorry you can’t see me fly and possibly crash as I know that’s the thing that would make your b-day bright.

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Rhymes about gettin’ some….

During a lively email discussion between a couple of friends this morning we got to talking about my one friend’s lack of a girlfriend. We were trying to help the good fellow out with advice on gettin’ the ladies, but suddenly the conversation turned into rhymes about his dating woes.
Please to enjoy. Pipe in with your own!!!

#1
when he should be tomcattin’
he’s lollygaggin’
that’s our Bill
who has never had his fill.
#2
a man without a plan
for getting a WO-man
he needs to step it up at least
if he expects to get a piece

#3
His penis wouldn’t be lonely
If he found a woman that’s homely
And humps like a dream
While he’s eating his iced cream

#4
But if he gave her a break
and bought her a steak
she’d leave him alone
just him and his bone
#5
Ahh..but if he took a chance
And gave her some romance
He might find some luck
When she says “Fancy a F*ck?”

#6 (Bill’s Response)
Archie is smart
Micah likes to fart
f*ck you guys!

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Spreading his ‘deeds’

It looks like somebody, I’m not going to say who, but his name rhymes with ‘pill’ has been out on the prowl in Oklahoma City.

Take a look here.

Actually the real reason for posting this story is all for the last line, if you didn’t read the article I’ll post the sentence here:

People with the disease may not know they have it, because the primary symptom is a painless sore.

Isn’t that an oxymoron? I thought the definition of a ’sore’ was something that causes pain, hence the clever name ’sore’? That would be sucky to have sores you can’t feel! I’d probably think they were just red moles. That’s like saying I have smooth dry skin, or white diarrhea, have a hairy bald spot or drive a Dodge Ram and know an attractive Irishman. They just don’t go together!

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Top 10 Collapsed Gmail conversations


Sitting in my room last night I found myself slipping into a 100 yard gaze deep into my computer screen. I was worn out and tired from work and after work festivities. I was trying to muster up enough motivation to do something productive but instead I found myself reading the one-line previews of my top Gmail conversations. If you don’t have Gmail you won’t understand how it works, but after reading a few I laughed at how varied and random these conversation snapshots seemed between friends.

Here are my Top Ten at the moment, each line is from the start of a different email. Post yours in the comments!

Lots of nerve everywhere! My rice is almost done. So I guess mark me down for…

No Touching!

Haha we have irish dancers and I can’t stop laughing I just keep picturing kath and kel..

Mine is about the size of a baby’s arm.

Party for Phil! She missed her chance, now I’m gonna start AD with kelli. After I finish the..

yes come on down.

true kelli. I’m not sure but either way it’s full of pussies.

Sweet. TF2 is pretty cheap. Everyone bring your own wires. I probably have enough, but bettyer..

Feets are sexy. Except for Micah’s. He has frinkly toes: Just kidding Micah.

there is? Oh crap.

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Being Naked.

Underneath all our clothes, we’re all naked. No matter where you come from that’s something we all have in common. I know some of you out there may possibly be a never-nude but even still underneath your cutoffs, you’re naked. I think it’s funny how our view of being naked changes with age and body fat. It seems everyone enjoys a naked baby bottom running through the house after bath time. I know there exists photographic evidence of a 4 year old me climbing over the couch with my twig and berries hanging out for all to see. Most kids seem free as the wind and don’t mind streaking through the house while giggling uncontrollably. The problem is with us adults, we don’t do that anymore, or at least most of my friends don’t anymore.

Recently I stopped by my sister’s house on a Sunday morning to have brunch with my parents. I walked into chaos as my sister was right in the middle of trying to get her daughters ready for church. The 4 year old was completely dressed but my 2.5 year old niece was standing there naked from the waist down as my sister was trying to get her to put on her pull ups. The youngest looks up at me and excitedly says “HEEEEEY UNCLE! I’m getting my pull ups on.” “I see that.” was my response. Once she got both legs through and pulled them up she thrust her hips forward like Micheal Jackson and just like MJ she slapped her groin area to draw attention to her ‘princess pull ups’. “Look at my pull ups!” she squealed while prancing around. My older niece turned to look and very sincerely said “I like your pull ups”. It was very entertaining and made me wish adults could get that excited about underwear. A few years ago I bought some boxer shorts with airplanes on them, but when I thrust my hips forward and slapped my groin to show everyone, they just called the police. I guess the employees at Sears do not appreciate a man with an amazing physique (me) modeling their underwear.

Earlier this week I went to the doctor’s office to take part in a ‘wellness program’ offered through my work. The appointment was the type of checkup you would expect to find at your local mechanics’s garage for your car. They took my measurements, checked my fluids, checked my pressure, took a peek ‘under my hood’ poked, prodded and pinched me everywhere and finally hooked me up to a machine and rev my engine up to full speed to see how well it performed. Seriously, not unlike hooking a car up to a dyno and testing out it’s horsepower, except in this office it was all micahpower.

I arrived, filled out my paperwork and got right in. They extracted my fluids and told me to wait in the room for the doctor. I resisted the urge to lick all the tongue depressors and put them back in the jar before the doctor came in (you can thank me later). It wasn’t long before a 60-something year old lady with graying hair and glasses wearing a purple sweater came in. She seemed a bit meek which made me a little sad because I like doctor’s that are ‘go getters’. We talked for awhile about my overall health and insanely large biceps before she told me to take off my shirt and pants and slip on my running shorts. I wasn’t wearing my airplane boxers so I didn’t get to thrust my groin and pretend I was a WWII diver bomber like I had wanted to. I was sitting on the table with the white butcher paper when she returned, apparently she left to go cool her hands in an ice box because they were colder than Phil’s teet on a winter’s eve.

She tested out my reflexes and poked all around my wondrous landscape until she asked me to stand up and said she was going to need to check ‘down there’. She asked that I put my shirt on, which I thought was weird, but I guess there is some rule about only being naked in the doctor’s office one half at a time. I put my shirt on and tried to pull my pants down but she wasn’t ready. I guess I was out of ‘position’ or something, I needed to step to the left 3 feet for the examination. At this point I thought she told me to turn around and I did, and I also tried to pull my shorts down again to which she replied “No, face me”. This totally makes me laugh right now because I’m sure she was trying to figure out what the heck I was doing.

Finally I was properly positioned and I dropped my pants. I used to get nervous during this part of a physical or doctor’s appointment but since I now feel fine being naked, I felt perfectly relaxed. I figured that this doctor has seen hundreds if not thousands of penis’ (I’m not calling her a ho, I’m just saying she’s a doc) so mine would be no different except for it’s extreme length. The weird part was SHE seemed nervous. She was looking and lifting the king all the while saying “it’s almost over, almost done”. I was thinking “almost done?! I just dropped my drawers lady! This party is about to get started!” Maybe it was because I was standing there with my fists on my hips and my chest puffing out like Superman or perhaps the fact that I was whistling ‘Afternoon delight’ during the examination, I’m not sure, but she would wouldn’t make eye contact with me and she would hardly make eye contact with little Micah! How are you going to examine my bits without looking at them? Ray Charles could’ve given a better examination and he’s a piano player!

Regardless, she finally told me to put my pants back on, (a phrase I hear all too often from the ladies) and to sit tight while she gets ready to shuffle me to the next room. In the next room was nurse ‘Joan’, a treadmill and a computer hooked to an EKG. I was instructed to take my shirt off and lie down (something I don’t hear enough from the ladies ha!). She asked if I was ready for my stress test, I nodded as she reached down behind me to pick something up.

“Ok, well this is going to be the hardest part of the test.”

“Why is that?” I asked nervously

“Well..(trailing off)…you’re really hairy and we’re going to have to remove some of that hair before we put the little stickies on you”

“That’s right I’m a MAN! Oh, uh….are you going to wax me?!” (remembering she said this was the hardest part)

“No, but I am going to shave you.”

“All of me?”

“No, I’m selfish, I’m only going to shave the parts I need.”

“Oh jeeze…”

She began shaving me with the dullest razor ever invented, or so it seemed. It could’ve been sharp when she began but my Yeti-type hairs quickly clogged the weak disposable blades with curly abundance. After a few awkward moments of the nurse silently shaving me.

“If you’re going to disfigure me, can you at least put some cool design in my chest hair like a lightning bolt or something?”

“Oh I would if I could, but I’m just not that good..”

Really it was too bad because a lightning bolt would’ve been as cool as the early 90’s. She shaved me up and I ran for 25 minutes on the treadmill. Happily I kicked the EKG’s ass and nurse Joan was decently impressed. Nothing was amiss and my heart appears to be in good health, yay me.

I was comfortable being naked before, just ask any of my friends that have ever come to my door. I’m usually in some stage of undress, but now I look like I have racing stripes down my chest or just one single stripe down the middle depending on how you look at it. All thanks to nurse Joan. I guess the worst part isn’t the stripes it’s the stubble. Stubble on my chest that gets caught on my shirt and by the end of the day itches like a mofo, I hate it. Being naked is fun, but not when you look like half man, half boy.

Argh, I’m going to go shave.

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Alright, alright. I get it, I have big nipples.

Well not so much big as ‘pointy’, it’s not like they’re pink puffy pancake nipples or anything like that. In many ways I believe they are about average as men’s nipples go, the problem is they respond very well to cold temperatures and touching. I usually don’t have too many people touching them except Tony, but he lives in Molalla so my nipples have received a welcome break. But as some may have noticed the weather has been a bit on the chilly side lately and my dueling thermometers seem to make an appearance every time I take my coat off.

I got to kickboxing tonight and the building was freezing. The heat had been off all day and to make matters worse I had left my workout bag in my trunk so I quickly shivered my clothes on and off in the dressing room before class. I looked down and my legs were doing that weird blotchy-red-cob-webby thing they do when they’re really cold. Anyone know what I’m talking about? My arms and nipples never get like that but when I’m really cold my legs get weird looking and I hate it. So I yelled at them “Stop doing that!” “Stop doing what?” was the response from the next dressing room over. “Oh, um not you, my legs….I was yelling at my legs” I said sheepishly.

I gathered my things and headed upstairs to the gym. Melissa was warming up as I walked over to chat her up. We talked about our days and the meaning of life when I began complaining about the dri-fit shirt I was wearing and how it sticks to my torso showing every bump, blurb and blob.

Melissa:”Oh Please Micah, you have a great body, (looking down) but what’s up with your nipples?!”

Me: “What do you mean? I can’t control them and it’s COLD in here!”

M:”Well I’m just sayin’….dayyuuummmmn.”

Me: “It’s this Dri-Fit shirt! It’s thin and it rubs them, and why does everyone always notice my nipples?”

M: “Everyone notices your nipples? I’m sorry, are you sensitive about it?”

Me: “All my friends seem to notice and some like to grab onto them, I’m not sensitive until everyone starts pointing them out!”

LET’S DO SOME LAPS!!

Our conversation was broken by the instructor’s yelling and as I ran I watched my pointy friends bounce in the mirror. ‘They’re not that bad’ I thought to myself as we re-grouped in the center of the room to do some calisthenics. While doing some arm swings and rotations the instructor turned to me and says “Is it cold in here Micah?!” The whole class turns to look at me as if I am some deformed person and I shot a look to Melissa who was covering her snarking laugh with her hand. F’ing great. “I get it, my nipples are very pointy!” I yelled out and the teacher said, “I’m just sayin…..must be cold.”

Beautiful.

I’m throwing that dri-fit shirt away. Nipple erections are completely involuntary movements and I can’t calm them down by thinking of brown filing cabinets or taking a cold shower like I do with the other kind. In fact cold showers are the worst remedy when my nips are pointing straight out like two six-shooters in the hands of Billy the Kid. I don’t really know what the draw is to them, they’re not like George Washington’s nipples. As the first president of our country I imagine he has some fairly impressive nipples, not sure what history says, but I imagine them as amazing. I guess I’ll live with them, or maybe I’ll see if they make pasties in the shape of little guitars or muscle cars. That would be awesome until one falls off and then my left nip points out like the tailight of a ‘59 Cadillac and my right side remains as smooth as a spoon. If that happened, the jig would be up and I would definitely look like a deformed person. Too much trouble. I just hope the warm weather returns soon, in the meantime I’m gonna start charging for stares longer than 5 seconds. By the end of the cold season I should have enough for a nipplectomy.

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Let’s Play

I had to stop by the pukey poopy house this morning (which has turned into a whole ‘nother saga) and on the way home I decided to swing by my sister’s house to see what was going on. It’s always nice to see the family, plus she usually has some sort of good food to feed me and that makes me eternally happy. Today was no exception, homemade bread and chili with cheese and sour cream, yum yum. I ate and helped her with the computer. I got her a zune gift card for her Zune but I’m ready to start buying her only vinyl albums because it also seems more trouble than it’s worth when it comes to my sister and technology. I was deep into my bowl of chili and her zune problems when my 5 year old niece began tapping my shoulder.

Niece: “Let’s play uncle.”

Me: “In a minute, I’ve got to finish this.”

Niece: “Let’s play now!”

Me: “Just let me finish this!”

She went and found some books to entertain her for all of 2 minutes before she came back over but instead of tapping me on the shoulder she climbed up on my leg and began balancing on her knees in my mid thigh. Not the most comfortable position for me. I was click-clacking away on the keyboard when she leaned over and said,

“Let’s play.”

Me: “Just let me finish!”

She got down and pranced around like little girls do. I finished up and was trying to tell my sister what she needed to do to download music to her Zune but my niece kept tapping my side, trying to grab my attention.

Niece: “Uncle! Uncle! I have to tell you something. Uncle!”

Me: (giving in) “Yes?”

She motioned me down to her level, so I bent down and she cupped her hand to my ear as she whispered “Let’s play.”

I was finally relieved from my duties as ‘Mr. Computer Fix It Guy’ by my sister so I turned to my niece and asked,

Me: “What would you like to play?”

N: “Let’s play school!”

Me: “Naw I just got out of school. Let’s play work!”

N: “I don’t know how to play that.”

Me: “Oh? It’s easy, see you pretend you’re at work and I come in to see you.”

N: “Ok…”

Me: “So, you pretend that you are a Massage Therapist and you have to go to work by rubbing my shoulders. Ok?”

N: “I don’t want to play that.”

Me: “Oh well that’s the only thing I know how to play.”

She suggested that we play doctor and I told her my idea was just like playing doctor. She was the doctor and my shoulders were the patient, but she wasn’t buying it. In the end we played doctor and the only thing I got was a whack to my knee, because apparently in a 5 year old’s mind that’s how you fix sick people.

Good times.

Oh and Happy New Year! This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but You tube was being lame so it’s a day late.

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