This comic reminded me of him.

 http://i.imgur.com/TtTHA.png

Throughout my normal day I’ve become increasingly aware of the fact that I am constantly counting. I’m not counting anything important, just anything that my eyes happen to rest upon. I wish I could say this is a super power “my amazing ability to count” but I have found no benefit to it. When Timmy is stuck in a tree no one ever says “Thank God you’re here sequential counting man!” and then I proceed to count the ways of getting Timmy down from the three. That’s a superpower that annoys, rather than helps.

Does anyone else do this or am I alone in my pointless counting?

This morning I was gathering some documents to be mailed and I started counting “1..2..3..4….8” Eight documents in total. Wowee. The problem is I wasn’t sure how many documents were actually supposed to be there so I would’ve been satisfied with 6 or maybe even 10 documents! Counting them was utterly pointless, much like putting butter on a croissant.

I think all of this started from my inventory days when my whole job was to count. Many hours of counting soup, shoes and lumber made me a wizard on the 10-key and a Viking of addition. I started out like any noob with “1..2..3..etc” and I quickly progressed to the popular “2…4…6…8” method of counting. Eventually I learned how to see large groups of numbers and patterns while counting and progressed my counting career.  Now unfortunately I cannot unsee those patterns of numbers and in my day-to-day I’m counting spokes on lowered civic’s rims, the number of blue buttons on my work phone and how many teeth that homeless guy has. Three.

Most of the time I’m fairly accurate in my needless counting, except when I’m doing situps. I don’t know if it’s the up and down movement causing the fluid sloshing around my brain or the lack of blood, but I seem to lose my count quite easily when my abdominals are getting crunched.

16..17..18..22..23..24..28..29..30!

After a workout I’d feel good about doing 600 situps but I’ve become increasingly aware of my creative counting and have realized I’m lucky if I did 78. No wonder my abs have refused to surface.  :/

I ever I found myself in an intense hostage-negotiating situation, I’d like to think that my counting skills would come in handy. Combine those skills with my abilities as a top shot and my general badassery and I think I’d look a lot like Korben Dallas as seen below.

yay for sequential numbers!

Actually I can’t, I’ve got two (2) BBQ’s to go to this weekend. Lots and lots of meat to eat.

But sadly that hasn’t happened yet. I read this and think, they really can’t be serious…right? What’s next? Cracking down on mud? Then cracking down on the rain? And then cracking down on the sun??!

 Read about it here.

Here is his original submission video that set the internets ablaze:

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=5615

After the audition he disappeared for awhile and people were sad that he had already had his 15 minutes of fame, but I think he still has more in him.

I love this guy’s spirit and humor, so funny and easy going despite his sexy palsy.

Pretty-in-the-face-fat-in-the-belly-girl: Are you all ready?

Me: Yup

PITFFITBG: Before I ring this up would you be interested in a GPS? They’re on special for only $99.99.

Me: Nope, I’ve got my brain to help me with directions.

PITFFITBG: (condescendingly) Oh right, you don’t need a GPS because you’re a guy.

Me: No, it’s not that, I’ve lived in this city for 23 years and I pretty much know my way around.

PITFFITBG: Not me, I don’t have a very good sense of direction.

Me: Yeah, that’s like my sister, she needs specific directions, starting from her front door.

PITTFFITBG: Ok would you like any batteries?

(Always with the batteries!)

Me: No just the solder

She runs the transaction and it seems like I’m going to get out of there with minimal hassle. Stapling my receipt she says:

PITFFITBG: So you have T-mobile huh? When are you going to upgrade?

Me: (annoyed) Upgrade to what?

PITFFITBG: You don’t know? To Vibrant! Vibrant is amazing.

Me: Oh I see, but I–
PITFFITBG: What kind of phone to do you have?

(Realizing any phone I named would be less than the vibrant)

Me: Just a phone. It dials and texts, that’s all I need.

PITFFITBG: You need to see the vibrant! Austin, go in the back and get a vibrant!

I shot a piercing look to Austin who appeared a tad miserable as his hoochie coworker was desperately trying to sell me some piece of shit that I clearly did not want or need.

Me: Don’t bother Austin, I don’t want to see it, I’ve got all the vibrant I need, I’m vibrant on the inside!

And with that I turned and walked away, but not before fatty gave a parting shot dripping with sarcasm and attitude towards HES (who had been quiet this whole time).

PITFFITBG: Wow he uses his brain for directions AND he’s full of vibrant, you’ve got a real keeper there girl.

My ears were surprised that she would cut such a tone with me because I didn’t want to buy crap I didn’t need. For a split second I really thought about turning around and giving her a few words, but I figured anything I had to say would be lost on a minimum wage employee at radio shack. Instead I walked out, turned to HES and said in disbelief “Wow she was kind of a $%#!” HES agreed with a healthy nod and with that we went to COSTCO! We got a new phone with all the trimmings for far less than radio shack could have offered……without any of the hassle.
Plus we got samples, lots and lots of samples.

A few weeks back the whole family made the trek to the farm. It was warm and beautiful and a little crowded with all of us under one roof. One morning after showering I was in the bedroom getting dressed for the day. I had just finished putting my pants on (thankfully) when my 4-year old niece, who hasn’t fully grasped the concept of knocking, sauntered in. “I can see your nipples!” she exclaimed as she excitedly reached up and poked my left nipple. Feeling slightly embarrassed I thanked her for poking me and hurriedly put my shirt on. Without missing a beat she deadpanned “I can still see them” and reached up and poked them again. I don’t know what my sis is teaching this girl but she sure is fascinated with male nips….

http://www.katu.com/news/national/98749509.html