Archive for May, 2005

Fuller’s Cafe

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed, but for the last few days the weather in Portland has been crazy! One minute it is downpouring, ten minutes later everything is dry and sunny. It’s really frustrating because I have no idea how to dress for this kind of mix up. I mean white before labor day?? Or pink is the new black?! Who cares when you’re getting buckets thrown on you from up above. Yesterday I was picking up the motorcycle from the shop, and it started raining harder than I’ve ever seen it. The whole street was an insta-flood and I went from slightly damp to sopping wet…literally, it felt like I was peeing down my leg. It was nasty cold. This week in the office some ladies were reminiscing about a little cafe downtown that they used to frequent when they worked in the city. Today we all decided to go. I’m sure many have been there or heard of it, but I had never heard of Fuller’s Cafe located on 136 NW 9th Ave. After today I will never forget this place. It’s very small and at first it looked like we were going to have to wait awhile to even sit, and we sure as heck weren’t going to be able to sit together since they only have bar stool/counter seating. This seating style just adds to the quaint 50’s style eating experience. They serve breakfast all day, but I think you could order anything off of the menu and be pleased. I orderd a beef country fried steak with two eggs, hashbrowns and HOMEMADE toast. I didn’t know about the toast until I bit down and just about melted in carbo heaven, seriously it tasted just like grandma’s bread I know my sis would love it. Everything on my plate tasted just about as good as humanly possible, the best part was that the price was CHEEEEEEEEaP $7.00 for all of that and they were really really fast. I hear they also make homemade outta site pies and strawberry shortcake, this is good since SS is just about my most favorite dessert ever. After my co-worker Hector and I were done eating our ginormous (it’s a real word now, look it up) country fried steaks we looked across the counter and there was a man eating some sort of sandwich with mashed potatos and brown gravy covering everything. We were both stuffed, but our mouth’s were watering after whatever he was having, we wanted to come back on break, but alas we were too lethargic after the big meal we ate in the mid-morn. Oh how I love Fuller’s Cafe!

Now that I’m through writing this I so want to go again………..anyone?


How to poop at work

I personally have no problem pooping at work. I (much like Phil) used to be scared to poop anywhere but my own throne at home. I got over that fear as I got older, b/c well, sometimes you just gotta go. Plus when I was 18 working on a construction site a wise old-timer told me “Son, always poop on company time. Why, hell sometimes I have to go the night before, but I’ll hold it until I get to work the next morning, just so I can get paid to poop”. This has been one of the best pieces of advice ever given to me. I mean think about it! Paid to poop! Believe you me I make full use of this strategy too. I generally go at work at least once a day but sometimes I’ve been known to go even three times while on the company clock! And even if one of my movements only lasts a minute or so, I’ll still sit there taking my time, just to make sure all of the bobsleds are clear of the poop run. I usually take my time, until someone else comes in to use the bathroom, then I get all rushed and have been known to do a couple of the auditory warnings listed below. I’ve been known to bust out a few camo-coughs or unrolling the TP so they know this stall is “occupied”. For some more good advice and strategy see below:

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the office for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Poop Well and Prosper


Finger Free Frosties!

I just wanted everyone to know that this weekend right now you can go to any Wendy’s and get a free frosty with no purchase. I had one yesterday and even though it was a bit smaller than the ’small’ frosty it was quite delectable. They’re doing this to say ‘thanks’ to the public for supporting them during that fraudulent finger faux pas a few months ago. I see it more as a “please come back!” since their earnings were down 2% during the whole debacle.



On friday night I went with Phil and Jon to see Black Label Society. Just like the Vai concert, I wasn’t overly excited to see BLS, don’t get me wrong Zakk Wylde is a killer guitar player, but I really didn’t know alot of their songs so I didn’t know how it would go down. It went down good. We walked in and the place was sooo muggy and hot. We were able to secure some seats in the second row of the balchony that weren’t too bad. Phil and I were stripping off our coats to try and escape the sticky heat surrounding us. That was until they turned on the A/C located directly above. Never in my life have I been cold at a concert like I was that night. Phil and I had to put our coats back on just to stay reasonably warm, all the while Jon was shivering in the corner. We offered to place him between us and make a Jon sandwich but it didn’t take. The concert went off without a hitch. Lots of drunk people and chrome domes around. BLS seemed to bring alot of the biker population out, which is fine as long as you don’t look them in the eye. Zakk gave a tribute to Dimebag Darryl which was really good and was the only thing that calmed the bikers down. During most songs there was a ragin mosh pit going on, probably the fiercest I’ve ever seen. People were nuts shoving and bashing into eachother, it was great to watch from the safety of our seats.

The concert wasn’t just for our listening pleasure, it also provided us with some deep thoughts. At the end of the concert during one of the last songs Mr. Wylde gave us these important words to remember.

ZW:“…and remember, if you ain’t got family and the Good Lord it don’t mean shit!”

ME:(turning to Phil) “Is that in the Bible?”

PHIL:“Yes, I think that’s somewhere in the back”




Since we got back home so late from the concert, and since we watched tv and Scrubs until 3am Sat. morning, Phil spent the night. This time he didn’t sleep in my bed, and I gotta say, I had so much more room! On Saturday we got up around 10ish which provided us with a good amount of sleep considering we went to bed so late. Phil and I played some video games for awhile then decided to go do something. We ended up eating at Macmenniman’s. Oh man. It was the perfect food for the perfect day. We each got a cheeseburger with fries and a beer. Wow. It all went down so nice, and we were feeling so freakin’ good. We went to Best Buy and looked at stuff, then we got karin and looked at her, and then we went to Guitar Center and looked at MORE stuff. It was a great day. That night we got a movie and some Foster Farm’s chicken nuggets (the best) and we ate those along with Mint Chocolate Chip Big Wheels, and oh man….the best Saturday in a long time.