Archive for August, 2005

Missed Connections

This next post is from the “missed connections” section from Craigslist. I actually enjoy reading that section b/c some of them are pretty funny. I’ve often thought of writing my own, but being as generic as possible to see how many responses I get. Something like:

You: blonde hair blue eyes. Walking in Fred Meyer wearing a blue shirt and tan skirt.

Me: dusty brown hair blue eyes wearing a black shirt and jeans.

You were looking at the green beans. As I walked by you glanced at me………..did we have a moment?

One night stand?

Call me.

Something like that. Oh and if this next post offends you……..don’t be!


I know, in this crazy, topsy-turvy world, it’s hard to find a connection with someone real. And I know I must seem like a spendthrift, paying you $50 like that when I could have had just as much crotch-grinding and dirty talk for $20. The truth is, I thought it WAS a twenty, and that you were just a really grateful person by nature.

But be that as it may, I felt like we shared a moment when our eyes met for those few seconds that I wasn’t checking out your rack, which again, I must insist, is absolutely astounding. And since there’s no bouncer here on the CL to threaten to “beat me down like his white bitch,” I really want to take a moment to apologize for grabbing one. The heat of the moment, and so on.

Back to our love. I felt it, and I hope you did too. (The love, I mean, not your breast.) Don’t deny it, my dove, I could see it in your eyes in the seconds before I lost consciousness in the headlock from the - and I really must register a protest here - overzealous security in your place of business. And I really do hope that you won’t hold against me the fact that I lost control of my bowels, which I checked online and found is a perfectly commonplace reaction to near death from choking. Beyond that incident, I haven’t had an accident since 8th grade.

So here we are, and there love is, and I call on you to take my hand, and let’s go grab it. (Love, I mean. Not your tit.)

I’ll wait for your email. And think about having that redhead join us, the one you did the simulated sex with on stage before my lap dance. I think we had a moment too, and it’s obvious you two dig each other, so I’m thinking we could have one big happy family together. But we can talk about it. Just email me, sweetie. K?



Tomorrow the little section of my office is having a picnic YAY! I got nominated to make 7-layer bean dip. BOO! but I think it turned out excellent. The onions on the right hand side are shaped in a “V” not for victorious, which is what I was after making the bean dip, no it stands for “vegetarian” for Kelly b/c she doesn’t eat cow. BooMoo!


Pastor Money-bags

The Lord is good to his children. At least thats the way it seems at the Romanian church by my house. Someone, possibly the pastor?? maybe? Is doing quite well. The other Sunday morning I passed by and there sat a shiny black Lotus Espirit V8!!

Nice! A steal at $71,000! Yesterday I happen to pass by again during the service and there sat a pristine black Ferrari 360 Modena!

Only a mere $152,000! Either some of the Romanian mafia attend there, or the pastor reeeeally knows how to preach his Tithing sermon. :) Which brings me to my next point:

In general Romanian women are some of the hottest women alive, as long as you can keep ‘em away from that delicious bread. < ----More on that later.


The Crazys

I stopped by Fred Meyer yesterday afternoon just to get a few items. I’m not sure which mental institution was shut down but the crazy people were out in droves! It was scary. Also everyone seemed to be really uptight/bitter. As I passed by different families and couples I could hear them arguing, “NO, we already have dinner and lunch taken care of, we need to buy things for breakfast!” Kids were whining, “…but I really want it!” parents were responding, “shutup you little sh*t! Or I’ll knock you back into next week!” Then there was the guy who looked homeless and was quite possibly extremely gay. When I walked up to the lunch meat section he had this to say. I’m not sure if he was talking to the meat wall or me, but I didn’t really want to find out, so I grabbed my butterball turkey and made a beeline for the U-scan. That’s when I saw someone that resembled Bertha (see earlier post concerning a prostitute on COPS). Red curly hair, fair skin, 300+lbs wearing a one piece swim suit with shorts on (thank God!). BUT her swim suit top was cut soo loooow (seriously the top of the suit only came above her belly button a few inches) I had the privilage of seeing her ginormously long and wide breasts. Length near 2 ft. width approx. 7 inches. They were hard to miss, since at any moment they were ready to jump out and do the udder dance. They were also hard to miss b/c Bertha II saw her 7 inch wide breasts as more than fatty flaps of skin that swayed in the wind, to her they were obviously an empty canvas waiting to be filled by an artist of the tattoo variety. Both boobies had tattoos the size of my thigh on them. The left breast, her right, my left–had what looked like flames shooting up. Neat! To be honest I didn’t really see what was going with the right breast b/c I was afraid she’d catch me looking, and I had visions of her fliping that baby up over head swinging it ’round and ’round like a lasso and wranglin’ me in. I didn’t want to be wrangled. I just wanted to get away from the crazys.



I don’t see many movies very often but this last month I think I’ve seen 3 fairly decent ones. At the beginning of the month I saw Dukes of Hazzard. Now I know that some of you may say that I’m bias b/c I really enjoy the Dukes, but I have to tell you that I truly went into the theater with the lowest of low expectations. I really that it was going to be baaad. But Karin and I both thoroughly enjoyed it and amazingly so did the packed out theater that we saw it in. I don’t get it why everyone is saying that it’s right up there with “Gigli” for the worst film. Of course it isn’t anything that is too mind stimulating but that’s the point! I like Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville, I think they’re funny, and of course there were some cool car scenes which made me happy. I will say though that Jessica Simpson’s acting was not too pleasing, but I don’t think it should ruin the whole movie for everyone. Plus it has Lynda Carter in it who I had a major crush on back in the Wonder Woman days, so that was a nice memory. I say see it only if you are in a good mood and want to enjoy a silly movie, if you want something serious go see Schindler’s List.

The second movie I saw was Wedding Crashers. I was pleasantly surprised with this movie. I really like Owen Wilson and lately I’ve been realizing the more I see of Vince Vaughn the more I like of him. This movie is definately more of a guy flick as there were an array of female bodies bouncing around in the beginning of the movie. I supppose the flick is a bit predictable, but I enjoyed seeing Vaughn and Wilson interact. Plus it had Rachel McAdams in it who was the major BEEOTCH in Mean Girls, but she’s sweet and nice in this movie.

Last weekend I saw The 40-year-old virgin. I like Steve Carroll(sp?) he’s a funny dude with some good talent. The movie was really good a bit crass even by my standards, but still fun. It wasn’t overbearingly jerkish about the fact that this guy was a virgin so that was refreshing. I liked it and so did Kar and Phil, although I felt that it was a little bit too long, it was just about a full two hours, which seemed to drag just a titch at the end. Out of the two comedies in the last month I’d actually recommend Wedding Crashers over Virgin, I laughed alot harder at WC and it seemed to fit into a nice package.

That’s it for this month and probably for the next year b/c it seems that I rarely go out to movies b/c they’re expensive and I wasn’t able to see any of these movies on econo time so….yeah, I’m $56.39 poorer.


Old Times

40 years ago today the Beatles came to Portland and put on a show. Tickets cost a whopping $4 and if you were “rich” you could afford the $6 tickets. Crazy. I just turned down going to see System of a Down and The Mars Volta b/c I thought the price of $55 was too steep for two bands that aren’t even as big as the Beatles. I think when I saw Sir Paul a few years ago it was close to $100 but still under. My how things have changed.

I was talking to my dad earlier today and he remembered that during that time you could fill up your gas tank, go to dinner, and see a movie with your sweetheart all for $10 or less! It’s hard for me to fathom that. The rundown:

Movie $1 each

Dinner (salad, burger, fries and drink) $1.50 each

Gas $.20 a gallon x 18 gallon tank = $3.60

TOTAL = $8.60

During this time my dad made about $2.25 an hour a good wage.

Nowadays……….it looks like:

Movie $8.25 each

Dinner approx. $8 each (if carl’s jr. only $2 each!)

Gas $2.60 a gallon x 18 gallon tank = $46.80

TOTAL = $79.30

Yikes. It’s crazy how much things can change in a relatively short time, what will happen in another 40 years? Will ‘normal’ concert tickets be a good deal at $500? Pleh! I’ll be glad I am old! —Don’t say it Phil



Oh man I just woke up from one of those deep sleeps where your body almost hurts from sleeping so far in the deep! I had some crazy-ass dreams. They are quickly fading so I wanted to write them down before they are ever lost in the corners of my mind. I don’t know why but throughout the first part of my dream I kept eating a sandwich that was halfway still in the baggie. Simple enough right? The problem I kept having was that I kept dropping it on the ground which was making it hard to eat. The saddest part is that I kept trying to eat more of the sandwich but I was unable to push more of the sandwich out of the baggie! So I kept pushing my face farther and farther inside the baggie to get at the sandwich goodness. This became quite a challenge as you remember I kept dropping the whole dang thing. Surprisingly, I didn’t get frustrated and kick the sandwich (which is what I would’ve done in real life) I was able to eat most of the good parts of the sandwich (the bread, mayo, mustard, cheese, lettuce, onions, and meat).
After I was done eating my sandwich I was walking in a park and noticed that my ear kinda hurt and felt pressurized. I was walking around straining to hear everyone trying to think of ways to relieve the ear pressure. Q-tip!* Genius. So suddenly one appeared in my hand and away I went diggin’ for cabbage in my ear. I was having a struggle with it until I felt something latch on to the end of the Q-tip and I started to pull……….and pull. Out came this humongo gob o’ wax but I wasn’t satisfied, I flipped the Q-tip over revealing the soft, unblemished end of an unused probe. After more digging I was finally done and I was left with a (I kid you not) handful of soft mushy ear wax. I started smushing it all together and thought to myself “hmm…now I can hear” with this realization I rolled it into a ball and threw it at the stranger walking past me. Then I woke up.

*Q-tip does not endorse this dream or putting any of it’s products into your ear canal or any other orifice on your body. In fact Q-tip suggests you not put anything smaller than your elbow in your ear, which of course is ridiculous since an elbow in an ear canal would certainly cause brain damage. Q-tip advises you to think of new uses for said product other than ear cleaning. If your elbow is stuck in your ear canal please do not contact our customer service line but instead call 9-1-1 immediately.

I don’t know any body that doesn’t use Q-tips for cleaning their ears. If a Q-tip isn’t used for cleaning ears, popping inverted nose pimples, or poking anything inside the body what good are they? You’re basically left with a little stick that has a meager amount of cotton taped on the ends that has no use. Pigmy dumbells?


Good Shows

No one told me!! Well most did, Dave tried, Jake tried, Michelle tried but those are my friends that fall into the “crazy” catagory so I didn’t pay much attention to their advice. I’m sad that I’ve been missing out on such a kick ass show! Not Lost, not Desperate Housewives, SCRUBS! Ok ok I’m a douche bag everyone has been saying for the last two years how funny and cool that show is and that I should watch it, but everyone failed to mention what kind of funny it was. Weird and quirky funny! I was always under the impression that the show was just a normal sitcom like Friends, y’know that kind of funny. That kind of funny is ok, but I think after years of it I’m kinda burnt out, plus I was burnt out of the whole medical thing. But to all you nuts out there lagging behind the curve, record/watch Scrubs!! It’s some funny poop!

Also on a side note the best show on TV starts September 19 at 8pm on FOX. Mark your calendars that is a MONDAY night. Arrested Development is awesome, and all should watch it. For the last three Fridays in a row they’ve showed 4 episodes in a row, so if you needed to catch up with the story line, now is the time. Super good show. Phil even admitted that he liked it and he doesn’t like anything except GP!

‘Course the cool thing now a days is that even if you miss out on a great show, no worries. Everything is coming out in DVD format, and I personally think this is the best idea the entertainment business has had in a long time. Past seasons of Scrubs/Arrested Development? done! Season 1 & 2 of Home Movies?done! 1st four seasons of Dukes of Hazzard? done! Aqua Teen Hunger Force? done soon! Debbie does Dallas, San Francisco, New York and London? done, done, done, and done!

It’s all so smart!

……………Oh, and I was just kidding about that Aqua Teen Hunger Force…….


……..Happy Birthday ET!!

…… the skin of my teeth. Tomorrow was the deadline to save my lil’ website before it went belly up. It’s a good thing I decided to check my obscure email addresses I used to sign up with. I wanted to save a few bucks and transfer my site over to a different host, but I really wasn’t prepared to deal with the hassle of doing that, so here I stay. All this updating means that I’ve had this thing for 2 years! Woohoo! Although I’m not sure why I updated it b/c the only person that even bothers to read this anymore is Phil. So Phil, I just spent $105 on you buddy pal. Consider yourself lucky. I want a fancy dinner the next time you come over.

To prove my point that no one reads this, I will now say something about all my friends and see how long it takes them to respond. :)

Karin is German gay
Dave is yuppie gay
Phil is WoW and gaycube gay

Tony is black and gay
Jake H. is guitargay
Jake F. is videogay
Billy is long hair gay
Megan is “oh look at me I have a kid” gay
Jasper is ihaveaboyfriendsthatsinaband gay
Cindy is Miss Prepared gay
Noah is deep in thought gay
Kara is always sunburnt gay
Michelle is pregnant gay
TJ is magicgay
Nick is finally going to Berklee gay
I’m just super gay.

All in jest my friends, all in jest. I love you all! ((HuGGGZZZ))



Hello everyone. I’d like to introduce Greg.

Greg is a good friend from my George Fox days. We actually met by chance, he was a tag along to a concert when I had an extra ticket. After that we got to know eachother over time and hit it off. Greg is a cool dude. He is starting his second year of learning how to be a doctor and make people wait in the waiting room. (There’s no chance of not waiting, that’s the name of the room! –Seinfeld) Greg is probably one of the most laid back, easy going people I’ve known. He called me up late on a Wednesday night a few weeks ago to tell me that he was going to be in town and wanted to hang out and possibly crash at my place since he was A)Coming from Bellingham B)Going to drive to Southern Oregon and C)If we got together we’d probably throw back the sauce and he wouldn’t be in any condition to drive. I told him absolutely since I hadn’t seen him in 2 years that’d be cool. So I asked:

Do you want directions?
Nah I’ll just call you tomorrow while I’m driving.
Are you sure, b/c I could just tell you real quick, it’s pretty easy.
Nah I’ll just call you before I hit Portland, it’ll be ok.
Um… you at least want my house number?
No it’s fine.
(shrug) Ok……you sure?
ok see you tomorrow!

That’s what I call laid back. So Greg called me on Thursday while already driving through Portland:

Hey man I’m in Portland how do I get to your house?
Ok, where are you at?
I’m on I-5 South and I think I’m heading into the Terwilliger Curves
Oh, um…’re supposed to be on 205 South…..
You silly bastard you didn’t tell me that!
(rolling eyes) You didn’t want to know!

Honestly. Greg is no idiot but I thought it strange that he absolutely didn’t want directions to my house until he was physically in Portland, driving and unable to write them down. It took some doing but I finally got him turned around and heading towards my house which required me to stay on the phone with him for the next 20 minutes describing every turn he should take to get to my house. He in turn described every bit-o-scenery en route to my home. “Oooh nice trees, that’s a big park!” “Oh, the Acropolis, they have a steak special!” “Oh Fantasy Video! Shall I pick something up for tonight?” “Ooh a European Blacksmith…..what’s that?” And on and on.

If I make Greg out to be ditzy trust me he’s not. I love talking to him b/c our conversations always veer towards cool medical stuff. Things you can’t talk about to just anybody. It’s actually very thought provoking and I always go away feeling much smarter. He can make the chemical composition of hydrogenated oil sound interesting, which he proved a few years ago while we were completely smashed. He talks about his cadavar days and peeling the face off of a lady b/c everyone else was too freaked to do it. He also told me some great E.R. stories from last year. All I can say was that was an eye opener and people are stinkin’ crazy! Greg not only has the skillz to be a doctor but he also brews his own beer, and it is really good. I haven’t liked beer for 26 years until last month, but even if you don’t like beer you’d probably like his stuff.
We had fun and you would too, so if you’re ever up at U of W and you see a super tall scruffy guy that looks like a stoner but is at the head of his class, its probably Greg. Ask him for a beer and while you’re slamming back the long cool one he’ll tell you all about your prostate and everything that can go wrong with it. Aaaah Greg :)


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