Archive for January, 2006

Russian Soda

My friend Laura edited the Russian words on the bottle to be a little more fitting of the taste. See if you can notice the change, I thought she did a good job :)

Whatever you do, do not buy this soda. Do not be drawn in by its red wrapping with gold trim and the pretty picture of the Napolean-esque ruler. He does not come in peace. Do not fall for the fancy writing “HMNEPATOPCKNN” that is emblazoned arcoss the top. It doesn’t mean “delicious soda contained inside this bottle”, it most likely says “stupid American, buy now!”. I believe the KBAC is code for Kill Burn American Citizens…..and that’s what the contents of this bottle does. It tastes like poop. The only reason the bottle is half empty is because I made everyone try it, and then they’d promptly spit it out. Like I said, poop. How do I know what poop tastes like? I grew up on a farm.

There was poop everywhere.

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I know everyone thinks that their daughter/cousin/niece is the cutest, but seriously, look at the picture below. That right there is the cutest.
I went to my sister’s house the other day to hang out, eat and help her with the internet (its a miracle she can even navigate to my blog). As usual we had a good time, but it was especially good this time b/c I got to spend some quality time with my niece Rebekah. While hanging out I realized that I’ve never spent one-on-one time with my niece! There’s always a bunch of people around everytime I see her. She had been cooped up all day and she was ready to play. Unfortunately, I was not. I was tired from work and felt like dozing off slumped over on the couch. But, seeing as how my niece came out of my sister, it stands to reason that she is full of the same stubborn persistance. I opened my eyes to see a small face with big blue eyes peeking for my attention. Sleep could wait, it’s not everyday you have an adorable little girl contending for your attention. What simply amazes me about my niece is how well she can talk. My sister is a teacher and seems to have endless patience for teaching snotty nosed kids. It’s cool b/c it really shows up in Bekah who is only 2yrs and 2 months old. It astounds me how well she comprehends things and how particular she is. It makes me happy inside everytime she calls out Huncle Micah! Hancle Micah! She laid down on the floor b/c she wanted her back rubbed, but before I could start she demanded a pillow. When I threw down the couch pillow it landed with the design facing the floor. She shrieked, “other way! Other way!”. When we were done she demanded that I tickle her, but once again everything had to be her way. First the neck, then the ribs, then the feet, back to the neck and so forth. Later when I was standing talking with my sister, Rebekah would run up to me and then run away saying, “huncle micah chse me, hancle micah chase me!”. It was great times, I think she finally warmed up to me more than ever which is completely awesome. A few days later she told Meg’n that she wanted to talk to me, so my sis called me up and let me talk at her. She’s fascinated by the phone and always wants to talk on it, but the minute she gets on she just whispers and grins……which is perfectly fine with me.

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Everyone does it.

Don’t you hate it when you work in an office with a bunch of girls and you’ve got the toots so bad that you feel like you might pop? Me too. That was me all day today, and I was going crazy. No amount of crop-dusting* would relieve my symptons. I wasn’t experiencing your normal run of the mill gas, I had the big bubble swimming in your colon gas.

Every guy reading this knows what I’m talking about. We’ve all gone out on a first date with a girl we really like and at some point in the evening we feel a small amount of nitrogen mixed with methane and hydrogen brewing deep within our core. “No problem” you think to yourself, “I’ll just clench my butt fist a little tighter” in the hopes of avoiding any ’slippage’. As the night continues it builds and builds and you squeeze tighter and tighter and there’s never any good opportunity to open the release valve. You’re alone in the car making out and she giggles when she hears your “stomach” gurgle, only that’s not your stomach. That’s the bowel shaking movements of your colon pleading with you to release the ever building bomb. It feels like a cork trying to plug a double barrel shotgun, all the while you curse Taco Bell and their delicious 7-layer burritos that are now seeking revenge upon your gut.

That’s pretty much what I felt like all day, and several times I had to go to the bathroom let go of the natural gas. I had alot of work to do so I couldn’t keep running out of the office all day. It was near mid-afternoon when the big explosion finally happened. For the 10th time I ran to the bathroom, squeaking and sputtering like a dying motorboat, trying hard not to have a premature flatulation. Fortunately, I made it and burst into the bathroom. With zero effort I set free a 4 second long BRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK followed by a POP! (not unlike a cap gun) which I can only assume were the remnants of my imaginary cork that was holding it all in. The butt flapping sounded like two Harley Davidsons devouring a hot desert highway. The guy in the only stall said, “Jeez! Uhhhh, do we need to switch?” It was definately crazy, I expelled so much air, I was outta breath!

After the blowout I was clear the rest of the day, no more strange brews coming from my gastric abyss, no more squeeks and peeps to report. I know that we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. Phew! Pew :(

*crop-dusting v: Silently passing gas while walking past others then quickly vacating the area leaving the others to suffer the ill consequences.

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A few Chuckles

Thoughts for 2005

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and he or she won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky…not really good for anything, but
you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars nd a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven’t got a clue as to where
the terrorists are. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of homeland security.

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Site Redesign

You may, or may not have noticed, but I redid my blog. I was sick of the old design and I wanted something that had a few more options, hence what you are looking at now. I’m still playing with the general look and options, so things might continue to change over the next few days, or I might just get lazy and keep it like this for awhile. Now you can click on different catagories, or the calendar to see different posts that I did in different ways on different days. I hope you all enjoy.

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Something for ol’ Wolfgang

Unless your head has been in a hole, or you just don’t pay attention, today marks the 250th anniversary of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s birth. My how the years fly by, why it seems like just yesterday that he was putting together his first composition at the age of 5, and now he’s been dead for 214 years. So sad, dead at 36. The closer I get to 36 the more I totally don’t think that age is old. I love classical music more than anyone I know, save for my friend Leah who I haven’t talked in awhile. Mozart is no exception, he wrote so much in such a short time, it’s amazing. I love listening to the complexities of his music. Even songs that you’ve heard a million times are really quite excellent when you sit down and actively listen. For instance everyone and their mom has heard Rondo Alla Turca Sonata in A No 9 K331 (Turkish March) a million times, but if you really close your eyes and listen to it, I find that it becomes so much more than you usually realized. Re-learning how to play the piano definately opens your eyes as to what is going on. Another smash hit of Mozart’s is one that you used to sing all the time as kid is “Ah vous dirais-je, Maman” or more commonly known as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Now before you go on I suggest you click that twinkle twinkle little link. If you never have, you need to hear the real version of this song in all its glory, instead of the toned-down bastardized version played in Care Bear paws across the nation. Go ahead….listen



Pretty crazy huh? Sorry about the recording quality, its the best I could do to share the whole song. I think the thing that simply amazes me the most is the fact that we still have his music around today, hundreds of years after it was written we are able to still hear it and play it. I think that’s cool.

I’ll leave you with a little treat before I go. This is a piano Sonata that I believe was written in his early years (see preteen-early teens). It’s something that I had never heard, so maybe you haven’t either. Sit back and enjoy the exquisite playing and let the sultry notes rest upon your drums. Join me and raise a glass to one of the best composers (IMHO) that ever graced this earth. Sonata no. 8 in Am.
Thanks Wolfgang.

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He’s a trooper

I’ve got to hand it to ol’ Phil. He’s a trooper. He came over to watch LOST with me last night, but unfortunately he came over way too early. So instead of looking around kicking the dirt, trying to avoid eye-contact with one another I suggested that we play video game baseball. He agreed and we were off. It’s been weeks since we’ve played that game, possibly the last time we played was during the New Year’s incident. Everything started out normal, a few scoreless innings between the two of us, some stout double plays, but somewhere between the virtual pitcher’s mound and the pixelated foul line, something went horribly wrong for Phil. Maybe it all started when the ball landed on his outfielder’s head, allowing my guy to proceed to third base. Or maybe it was the fact that, Phil’s outfielder was slower than a fat man getting out of bed after his first workout for the new year. I dunno, maybe. Or maybe I was just on fire, but every other pitch that Phil threw ended with a crack–Homerun! Whack–RBI! Homerun! Homerun!
Homerun! Homerun!



Until the next thing I knew I had hit 11 homeruns for a total of 22 points! ha! It was grand. What would have made it even more wonderful was if I would’ve completely skunked Phil, but sadly he hit two homers in the bottom of the 8th. The final score was 22 - 2, my Cubbies leading the whole way. I got on base 28 times compared to Phil’s 5. Sammy Sosa hit 4 home runs without even trying! I also was able to steal all the bases (from 1st to home) TWICE b/c Phil’s pitcher got stuck in some weird mode and Phil couldn’t get him unstuck…too funny! All in all I’m sure we both had fun and there were no ill feelings directed towards me at the end of the night. I appreciated his perseverance, even if it was misguided.

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should be

Hey look, i’m writing this from my home at 8:23am on a Thursday! I should be at work right now, but I’m not, I’m writing this. Don’t you love oversleeping?! We should be allowed to oversleep everyday.

UPDATE: — So I compiled a small list as to why sleeping in totally rocks:

  1. You get more sleep (obviously)
  2. You have time to take a long shower
  3. You can preen yourself as long as Dave does every morning
  4. You can eat a full breakfast (I made myself some deliciously cheesy eggs with toast)
  5. You have time to write a morning blog entry
  6. If you sleep in late enough traffic is waaay better
  7. You can be uber-cool and back into your parking space (which I totally did today)
  8. Your boss might think its funny (mine actually did)
  9. Work is way shorter

From the list you can see my morning was much more enjoyable with extra time. Everyone would be happier with unexpected sleep.


Office Olympics

I am a gold medalist.

Instead of working, my co-worker Kelly and I devised a game to keep us entertained at work. You can play it as well, you might even have all the necessary equipment. You need:

A keyboard (if you’re reading this, chances are you have one in front of you)
A Black Pen w/o the cap (I suppose it can be blue…..if you must)

A Lint Roller (see pic below)

This game works best if your co-worker sits beside you. Place the lint roller on end somewhere between your keyboard and your co-worker’s keyboard. Next, place your black pen between the Functions Keys and your Numbered keys at the top of your keyboard. Make sure the ball point of your pen is hanging off the side of your keyboard, pointing at your coworker. The idea is to hit the end of the pen, causing it to flip up in lobbing ascension and land on the lint roller between you and your opponent (coworker). The coworker that gets the most hits wins. Sounds easy? Oh contraire! Now lets get to the real meat and pudding…..

After kicking Kelly’s ass for a few rounds I became weary of the game and said, “I bet you I can get my pen through the hole at the top.” (see picture above). “No way” was her response and the true challenge was on. My first flip of the pen sailed through the air with tremendous trajectory, but it was too fierce and didn’t hit the roller at all! But on my 2nd try I replaced and re-aimed the pen, checked the wind (a/c) and let ‘er rip (the pen that is). The pen flew through the air with delightful ease and much to Kelly’s chagrin, landed right through the middle of the hole, forming a perfect “T”! I guffawed loudly pumping my fist in the air, causing my boss to crane her neck around in her chair and give me the “WTF is the matter with you, we’re in an office here” look. Once I explained to my boss that this was important, everything was cool. Kelly tried, about 20 more times to recreate what I had accomplished, but it was not to be done. The only sad thing was that I didn’t actually bet anything, I just said, “I bet ______”. From now on I’m a betting man, I could’ve won a new car!



“They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” –Ben Franklin

Not much to report here. I’ve been busy with extra programming assignments as of late, so that takes up all my blogging time. I’m still alive, so I think that’s good.


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