Archive for August, 2006

Quick Show of Hands…..

Hey, who’s gonna watch Miss Teen USA tonight?

….yeah, me neither.

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Surname ranking

This is kinda cool. It’s only cool for a few searches but you can check out your surname ranking in America. Mine is 37683. Smith and Johnson are 1 and 2 respectively.

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A word of advice……

If you run out of your normal deliciously minty toothpaste and find yourself scrounging through the bathroom looking for something to kill the onion laden enchilada dragon breath that you find yourself stuck with, whatever you do, don’t reach for the tube of paste that says silly strawberry. Unless you enjoy putting sickening, sweet, chemically enhanced flavor crystals on top of your spicy tongue. This will cause you to wretch more violently than listening to Kelly Clarkston after eating rotten eggs. One should take note and read the label that clearly states “for kids only!”. These labels are true and should be heeded, if you choose to break this simple rule you do so at your own risk. It’s common knowledge that kids have special mouth enzymes that can break down a slew of crazy flavors, including but not limited to: Wacky Watermelon!, Outrageous Orange!, Bodacious Blueberry!, and the less enthusiastic Paltry Pineapple. Adults lose this enzyme once they graduate high school.
The only thing silly about strawberry toothpaste is how funny you’ll look trying to frantically get this stuff off your tongue. Totally silly!

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Email Inbox

In my email inbox:

From :
Sent : Saturday, August 12, 2006 12:37 AM
To : “Fran Han”
Subject : Fw: Halo

See the thing is I try to meet the man in america’s as
I am travel to there this summer. I am 25 and live in russia. I am
strong independant young woman. I like to meet the man
to spend some time with as friendship if I travel near. Please responds
and I send to u my picture. Kiss to u.. Tanja

My Reply:

Hello Tanja,
Kiss to u 2! My, you Russian women sure are forward! You like Halo too? Awesome. If this is true then let me tell you, you’ll have no problem meeting a man in ‘America’s’ as you like call it. Virtually everyone here loves Halo, although I’d say most would prefer Halo 2 since it is the latest and greatest of the series. But nevertheless, you’re a girl and you play video games, this is just too perfect. You say you’re a strong independant woman, that’s ok I guess but can you make casseroles? This is really what most men want in a strong woman besides “lovin’” as we like to call it over here. If you travel near I too would love to spend some time as friendship, this only makes sense. Well I’d better go, attached you’ll find a picture of me training for all the Halo. Responds as quickly as you can with your Halo gear pics.

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What I want.

Now, I can’t believe I actually haven’t talked about this yet, but besides women, guitars, black strappy shoes, cars and the solar system, there’s nothing I love more than casseroles. Yes casseroles. In my opinion they are the perfect food. Right up there with strawberries. They are stuffed with a superabundance of ingredients that are poised to attack my tongue on the first bite. I think my love of casseroles started when I was a small farm boy growing up in Idaho. My mom didn’t cook many casseroles, heck she hardly cooked anything besides macaroni and cheese out of a box, but there was a sure-fire place where I’d always find an abundance of casseroles. Church potlucks. The preacher used to speak about reaching the promised land, but to me the promised land was just downstairs in the cool, musty church basement. My mouth used to salivate at the end of the service as we recited the Lord’s Prayer and on the line ‘give us this day our daily bread’ I used to think about daily casseroles. By the final ‘Amen’ I could hardly stand it and I’d want to pop up from my seat and tear downstairs. But patience is a freakin’ virtue and I’d always get stuck behind my slow grandparents or other dawdling church folk who were apparently in no hurry to thank the Lord for creating casseroles!

“C’mon people there are casseroles downstairs that need blessing and eating before they get cold! You all fail to see that time is of the essence! Aunt Millie will probably still be alive next week, you can talk to her then!”

I see casseroles as a small adventure in food land. Especially if you’re the first one to break ground into the mysterious landscape. Think about it, if you order a steak no matter if it’s a $10 steak or $120 steak you pretty much know how it’s going to taste. But a casserole is different. You can’t judge the contents by looking at the top. Some have cornflakes on top, others potato chips, or noodles, but that doesn’t mean that you’re getting a cornflake casserole, no sir once you’ve broken through that top layer you may be surprised to see chicken mixed with, onions, celery and cheese. Or broccoli swirled with mushrooms and cheese. How ’bout potatos, garlic, bacon and cheese? Pretty much the only consistent ingredient in 90% of casseroles is cheese. I’m pro this. A few years back they ran cheese propaganda commercials with the tag line “Cheese makes it taste better”. They weren’t lying. Indeed, cheese does make anything taste better. This is why I have never met a casserole that I didn’t like. Besides the cheese there are so many other flavors that hit my tongue simultaneously it takes me a good ten bites to understand all the deliciousness. This really is a win-win situation for me. Let me do some math so you can better understand:

More Complex Flavors
More Bites
Jovial Micah

So you all can now understand my sadness when I say that I rarely get casseroles anymore. I find that potlucks are severly lacking in the big city and casserole creating has almost become a lost art. Sure, I get greenbean casserole during Thanksgiving, and that’s cool, but nothing like the times of yesteryear. That is why I have thought of something grand. BIG. This is huge. Instead of shelling out tons of dough for catering or having only rinky-dink mints, on my wedding day I am going to have casseroles. At first I was thinking that every guest could bring his/her own creation, but I quickly realized that would be too much for one day, notice I did not say ‘too many casseroles’, there is no such thing. It’d just be too hard of a clean up if everyone brought one. So instead I’m going to have several moms and grandmas make 10-15 casseroles and we’ll put them in fancy serving things so it won’t look too trashy. This will ensure no matter what that my wedding day will be perfect.

This is the greatest idea anyone has ever thought of.

Now, all I need to do is find a girl, court her for a spell, engage her with a ring, and then marry her so this plan can be carried out with perfect precision. In the meantime does anyone feel like making some casseroles? Or does anyone know of an honest woman that knows how to make casseroles and bunt cake? If she wore an apron and dressed in retro skirts and makeup I’d marry her on the spot. Man, I was born in the wrong decade. Anyways, keep an eye out for her, and don’t be shy about sending casseroles!

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Now that’s some air

My boss read a steaming heap o’ facts today, and one of them said that the longest ever ‘officially recorded’ flatulent was 2min. 43sec. long! I did not even know this was possible. This gives me a whole new level to strive for. How can this be? All day I’ve been thinking about this and I just can’t wrap my head around it! How does one build up enough air bubbles in their gut and get them all connected so it can be one continual stream of farty goodness? Now at certain times I have been known to be a toot factory but I’ve never been what I would call a distance fumer. I think the longest I’ve ever experienced was *maybe* 10 seconds and that was after a fun filled night of screaming discomfort on a first date. Among my friends, Jake is by far the endurance gasser. I always thought he was impressive but this just blows him out of the water! (no pun intended) And I have to ask, how are they measuring this for over two minutes? Are they listening for the sound? I don’t think that’d be very accurate because we all know about SBD’s, is there some sort of fart-o-meter that measures it? Doubtful. No I think to be ‘officially recorded’ someone is down there with their hand feeling for constant air escaping from The Great Crevasse. Think about it people! There is no other way…….unless……Unless they light it and it stays lit the whole time!? Now that would be a record I’d like to see!

Back to the possibilty of this. Do you think this man (and we all know it was a guy that set this record) developed some technique where he’s able to suck in air while simultaneously expelling it? The kind of technique crappy Kenny G used when he held the longest note recorded on a saxamaphone? I don’t know, but if so I’d like to learn it. Nothing would clear a room or bus seat faster than being able to kick on the afterburner at will. Hmmm. Gets my stomach gurgling just thinking about it.

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No clever subject for this post

I wore a corvette t-shirt to work on friday. This is only interesting because it is a black shirt that says “corvette” across the top and has a picture of a bitchin’ 1956 corvette on it. Also, it’s a size too small for me and it’s not actually black. It’s so old the color has faded to a sultry gray or ash if you will. Combine that with my truly black pants and I was stylin’. I couldn’t have looked more trashy unless I was wearing a ripped GNR shirt, backwards Miller Lite cap and white high tops. It was sad really, the girls laughed at me.

At some point during the day I went to the restroom as I often do and when I walked in ‘Peter’ was busy washing his hands. I walked past him towards the urinal to do my business and he said, “oh man, now I’ll have to wait.” I thought he was joking because Pete is a strange fellow and more importantly the stall next to me was completely empty of any human contact……, no reason to ‘wait’. Putting it out of my mind I let the waterfall flow as I entered urinary utopia. Things were just starting to go full stream ahead when Peter decides its a good time to strike up a conversation. Now I’m not opposed to talking while going, in fact I try to make a habit of returning phone calls while I go just so when my friends ask, “What are you up to?” I can deadpan, “peein’”, but that’s only ok if I know you, otherwise it’s just a little weird. So we enter into a conversation about how our day is going and what kind of work we’re doing and blah blah. I’m annoyed that I can’t just pee in peace and to make matters worse, I’m still going! All that water has to come out sometime. After a long while things start to trickle down and I was a bit surprised that Peter had to go just as bad as I did b/c he hadn’t flushed the toilet yet. Weird. Anyways, I did the jiggle dance, put the king back in his castle, started the zip up while turning around and what sight did my eyes behold? Why, it was Peter standing directly behind me, just a couple of feet.

Peter: “now I can go, whew! You really had to go.”
Me: (mouth agape) “uuhhhh….”

WHAT?! My mind was screaming. Why would you stand so close when I’m putting out imaginary fires?! This should be the part where I tell you that I have only one ear. Well, technically I have two ears but one of them is a trick ear that doesn’t work very well. Standing in an echoy bathroom it’s near impossible for me to tell where the sound of someone’s voice originates from. So apparently ol peeping Pete was standing right behind me the whole time while I listened to him drone on about palettes and forklifts even though there was a whole toilet he could’ve used himself. Yeah, kinda weird. Is there such thing as a pee fetish? I was going to google it but then thought that it might return some scary results so I left it alone and just assumed that there was. I’ve learned that if you can drum it up in your head, then it already exists and people are using it in perverted ways, and google will find all those ways. Pleh. I just wanted to pee and wear my corvette t-shirt in peace!

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Short and Stout

Monday night I hung out with Tyler and Sarah, two cool cats from my H.S. and reunion. It was neat to see them in their element, taking care of kids, cooking dinner, just general family stuff. It’s funny how quickly things can change after marriage and kids. Ty and I ate dinner, cleaned up and then dove into the real meat of the night which was a little friendly competition on Halo2. I hadn’t played H2 in well over 4 months so I was a little nervous, but this didn’t stop me from talking big the previous week. Unfortunately, I was not aware that Tyler had H2 eye glasses that he plays with, this allows him to see better and shoot with outstanding precision. Therefore I kinda got my ass handed to me, well I lost 60% of the time but it sure felt worse than that. That’s what I get for running my freakin’ mouth. Regardless of my sorry showing on the battlefield, Tyler said I was a challenge and we had a great time. Then things got a little crazy, my eyes blurred over and there were a lot of flashes and loud sounds. I woke up the next morning in bed with only a blue trucker cap on that said “Real Purdy” and these pictures in my email inbox. From the looks of it, I’d say it was a successful night.

Before I passed out I got to see a bunch of Tyler’s work in real life. He’s an illustrator/designer by day and a dragon slayer by night, but I got to see the part of his illustration work. I’ve always enjoyed his drawings and still have one that he drew in H.S. for me. Anyways he sent me home with three posters that I am going to hang on my wall. Well, only two of them, I gave the third poster to my co-worker and she loved it. You would love it too, so check out his site. You can order prints from him.

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Happiness is having a friend.

My friend Laura gave my pirate ducky a new friend. Nothing makes me happier right now.

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