Archive for November, 2006

Is this real?

SNL hasn’t been funny in years so when MAD TV first aired I decided to give it a shot. I remember it being kind of funny, and I thought they did a good job of keeping the skits short and sweet as opposed to SNL’s 7 minute sketches that were only funny for 30 seconds. Years have passed and I haven’t seen a MAD TV episode in a long time. In the past month I was able to catch a few episodes and I found myself snarkin’ out loud to a few of the sketches.

One ’sketch’ that I cannot figure out if it is real or not is the water delivery man, Eugene Struthers stumbling across famous stars waiting to be interviewed by different TV personalities. It seems so real and the stars always seem genuinely caught off guard when Eugene sits down, and during the interview their reactions seem real. Obviously the producers of the interview would have to be in on it, otherwise he’d never be able to even get close to the room. Has anyone seen this? Regardless if it’s 100% real or not, I think it’s funny, makes me chuckle from time to time. Does anyone know if this is real or not?

Take a look, this first one is pretty good:

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Bombs away

“Well, all good things must come to an end.”

Her smile fell into a frown as my words hung in the air.

“You’re not serious?” she replied.

“Yeeeeup. I’m moving on to bigger and better things, I know the timing sucks but there is nothing I can do about that.”

I was nervous, a little shaky because the ol’ left hook sucker punch was about to come. I gave it to her straight,

“….and my last day is next friday.”

“WHAT?!” was her cry.

I sat in amazement at the sight before me. I could see her blood pressure rising. Her eyes narrowed as her frown morphed into a seething grimace and her face turned a shade of red, not red-red more of a vermilion red. I told her there was nothing I could do, I had the opportunity come up immediately and there was no way I wasn’t going to take it. Her voice cracked like a 13 year old boy getting facial hair when she barked, “A little more notice would’ve been nice!” I shrugged with an ‘oh well’ look on my face, which apparently was the wrong response because she jumped up from her chair and stormed out of the room. Meeting adjourned.

Hello and welcome to my world for the past two years. I gave my notice last Thursday and my boss was none too pleased. I’ll admit I gave her a bit of the shaft up the tailpipe, but there was no other way and it’s not like my job was that important. The way she has been acting since that day, you’d think I was the very stitching that held the company together! But sadly, I am not a crosshatch or needlepoint. After I broke the news to my boss she was riding and chiding my a$$ all day. She took it personally and acted as if I was a traitor. I can’t even begin to tell you how freakin’ lame it it was, not to mention childish, unprofessional and just plain ridiculous. All day long I was engrossed in a verbal, emotional boxing match, what a mess. This I will not miss. Not once did she inquire as to where I was going, not once did she tell me she was sad to see me go, nor did she ever congratulate me for moving on up in the world. I knew she would be upset, but the way she came unglued was actually shocking. I’ve seen my fair share of unprofessionalism in the workforce but this comes close to topping the cake. I realize now how good it all is, she just reinforced every reason why I’m leaving and will never look back.

I will not miss:
My boss’s defensive attitude towards everyone
The Low pay
Getting up at 6:19am every morning
Hearing the same freakin’ stories over and over and over again. Seriously! GET A LIFE so you can tell new stories.
The power struggle in the office
Hearing the synopsis of every TV show my boss watched the previous night.
The repetition of the job
Soft Rock favorites of yesterday and today.

I will miss:
My other co-workers who were really cool and nice to me
My coworker K and the way her hair gets more and more messed up as the day progresses until at 4pm it looks like she just got up.
Being able to surf the Internet at work
The horribly politically incorrect conversations we had
Goofing off when I should be working
Being able to listen to my own music while I work

So what am I doing now? Well, I’m glad you asked.
I’m completely changing direction in my life, but I’m going to be doing something I’ve always wanted to do. I am currently one test away from getting my Realtor’s License. Since making this decision every door has flung open and arrows have come down from the sky showing me I’m going in the right direction. It’s uncanny how things have happened. I wonder why it has taken me so long to get to this point, but it doesn’t matter, everything happens for a reason and sometimes the twisty path we take is just the way we had to go, no use fighting it. I start on the 27th with a Broker that has a different business model than most agencies, and I’m excited to be in on it. I won’t have my license when I start so I’ll be doing office work and other random things. But it is my goal to have my license within a month, and at that time I’ll move into a new phase with the Brokerage.

Will it be hard, exciting and a little nerve racking? Yes. Will beauitful women come flocking to me? Yes, but I don’t know what that has to do with real estate. The timing is perfect, I sense my life and the life of my friends changing drastically and so I welcome it. I love the thought of being able to fully get on my feet, get out from underneath my school debt, talk to different people, not hear the same stories over and over again, and do something I love. yay!

This is bomb number 1.

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Smart Fish

Check out this video!

Smart fish!
I always wanted a fish when I was little. A smart one like that one would’ve been even better! Although I don’t think I’m very good with fish.

When I was in kindergarten my dad taught at the same grade school. This worked out well since in grade K you often have half days. During those half days I had to sit in another empty classroom and ‘be good’. I wasn’t very good at just being good. One thing I loved to do was play with the fish in the fish tank. I didn’t just tap the glass and make googly eyes at them. I liked to take the green net scooper and chase them around with it. Sometimes I’d get lucky and be able to scoop a fish out. This was scary because the fish usually flopped around like a………(wait for it)………..fish out of water, and I didn’t want to have him fall on the floor.

I remember one fish that was blueish and brownish that was very sporadic and wild in his swimming patterns. He really hated the green net scooper, especially when I tried to pin him against the side of the glass. This slippery devil would zig and zag through the fake seaweed and treasure chest trying to out manuver my net. We played our little game of cat and mouse for about a month, until one day, without warning the blue and brown fish dove into the gravel, completely burrowing himself under it.

I was petrified. I quietly closed the lid of the fish tank, placed the green net scooper on the table and bolted outside. I was convinced that I had killed the fish. Everyday for several weeks after that, I would peer into the fish tank looking for my little friend, only to see two orange goldfish glugging inside the water wonderland. I was so sad, and my guilty conscience made me believe that the teacher knew that I had killed the fish. I never saw him again.

For years I thought I drove that fish to insanity, causing him to dive head first into the gravel. One day I woke up and thought ’surely there must be some fish that burrow in the gravel’. I convinced myself that all was well and I didn’t kill that fish. This self talk worked over the last few years but recently I thought, “I’ve never actually seen another fish do that”. So now I’m torn. I don’t know what to believe. Do some fish burrow? I do not know. Is it possible to drive a fish crazy? Maybe, with a green net scooper I think you could do it. I wish I knew the answer.

Some fish can burrow right?

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…….BoOm

How many bombs can be dropped in one day?

I don’t know, but at least two. I dropped a big bomb yesterday on some folks and when I got home I was bombed as well. Incidentally this post has nothing to do with bowel movements so please get your mind outta the gutter. I hope to delve more into the subject tonight, but if I can’t I promise a post about fish! Or maybe sound waves.

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Killer Roomates

During my last year of college I had a stint of bad roomates. After the first one I swore to myself that I’d make sure and be more careful when choosing future roomates. I was more careful, but no matter what you think, some people are just crazy and all their cracked idiosyncrasies come out in full force when you live with them. One such roomate who wasn’t 100% crazy but very strange was Yoshi.


Yoshi was from Japan and had come to America and the great city of Newberg to study Computer Science. He also came knowing very little English so it is very impressive that he could communicate at all. Yoshi had the thinnest eyes I have ever seen, I don’t know how it was possible for him to see outside of his head. He usually looked like he was walking aroundwith his eyes closed (which would explain a lot) but at times of sloth-like excitement he would open his eyes really wide like that crazy bride-to-be that ran away from her fiance before they could be married.



In general everything Yoshi did was in slow motion. Often it was very annoying but other times it was simply amazing. One of Yoshi’s amazing skills was revealed to me as I was sitting in the local mexican joint tucking into a man-sized meal of beans, rice and other mystery meats. As I shoveled in the food I looked up to see Yoshi with his eyes (seemingly) closed, riding by the window on his bicycle, slower than humanly possible. When I say slower I mean the slowest you’ve ever seen. It would have been a nail-biter of a finish had a geriatric woman with a walker pulled up alongside ol’ Yosh. Not only was it an amazing feat to ride a bicycle so slow, he also did it with zero wobble! It was as if once he mounted the bike he entered a zen like state that allowed him perfect balance on two wheels at 1/16 mph. After time I began to wonder if maybe he didn’t understand the concept of pedaling? I never saw him pedal, yet he often rode his bike back and forth from our apartment to campus. I think maybe once he pushed off from our doorstep and put his feet on the pedals that was all the momentum he needed to carry him down the street. It’s no wonder he always went so slow!

Besides ridin’ slow and low on his bicycle, Yoshi also had an insatiable hunger for pasta. Specifically spaghetti. He could plow through plates of spaghetti faster than an angry farmer on a field of dirt. The problem was, most of the plowing was done with my noodles. At first I didn’t mind so much, because I thought that he was only going to have one plate or two, but when I saw that all but 10 dry noodles were gone, I was a little miffed. I replaced my spaghetti only to find the new package ravaged within a week. This was during a time in my life when I had about $174 in my bank account and no job to add more fundage. I was constantly hungry and one day I finally broke down and spent $14 on my credit card to buy bread, bananas, ramen, peanut butter and a few other items. I felt like a king! So, to have spaghetti constantly end up in my roomate’s belly was vexing. He also liked to top his spaghetti with my spicy ‘cajun mix’, making quick work of the contents but very kindly leaving the empty container in my cupboard. I told Yoshi he was going to have to buy me more noodles and cajun mix. He agreed with a typical 5 second head nod and was off (slowly) towards the store just a few blocks away. A half a day later he returned with more spaghetti to replenish all my stock, but I noticed that he didn’t bother to buy any for himself. He said he couldn’t find the cajun mix so he bought cayenne pepper instead, which I’m pretty sure they would fry you like a catfish in Louisiana if you called cayenne pepper comparable to cajun. Not the same thing. I was annoyed but it really didn’t matter because the very next day I came down to the kitchen to make myself some spaghetti only to discover that Yoshi had eaten nearly all the spaghetti he bought one day earlier! I confronted him and in his mind he was totally justified because he bought it. I tried to explain to him that if you eat someone’s food, and you replace the food, but then eat the replaced food, it doesn’t make everything ‘even Steven’. He didn’t understand who ‘Steven’ was, so I told him Steve is part of the pasta patrol and he says you need to buy more spaghetti! Yoshi did, and before he could break it open, I hid it in my room. He also had nearly the same habits with bananas, except he would actually ask if he could have a banana.

One day I come home from work, to be greeted at the door by Yoshi. Before I could barely get inside he looked at me and said, “oooooh Micah, It ok if I have banana?”
**Side note: Yoshi always addressed me as “ooooooh Micah”, kinda like Mr. Miyagi calling Daniel, ‘Daniel-san’ in Karate Kid. I don’t know if it was a Japanese thing or not, maybe “ooooooh” in Japanese means “asssssshooooooooooole”. Either way it was funny to me and to this day cracks me up. Unless he was cursing me, then big disgrace instead. End Side Note**

I knew there were something like 6 bananas on the counter because one day earlier I had bought them. I didn’t feel like being an a-hole so I told him yes. I went upstairs, changed my clothes and came down to find one banana left sitting on the counter and five banana peels in the garbage. I learned two things at this point. 1. Yoshi had not grasped the idea of singular and plural nouns, or if he had, his Engrish did not convey it. 2. Yoshi’s new schtick was to retro-ask my permission about the banana(s). Soo frustrating.

But at least I stuck it to him in the rent!

Part two coming soon! Tales of Yoshi’s Pajamas, Michael Jordan, Book reports in the toilet and our flea ridden cat Raul. In the meantime if you forgot, or haven’t read it yet, there is another story of Yoshi in my post about towels from Oct. 9th. Check it out~!

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no power!

Hi all me here. So there’s no power at my house and I’m at big Dave’s house to say I’m still alive and doing well. I got a HUGE life change today so i will share soon, and I hope the freakin’ power comes on again soon, otherwise…I’ll be strugglin’ to post.

Anyways, in the mean time….stupid criminals!

Here are the dummys

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I’d like to knit your blog shut

What is this…….day 14? I’m still alive in this NaBloPoMo-blog a day thing! It’s funny, not LOL funny but curious funny that I’ve actually put a lot more thought into my posts since starting this contest. Curious isn’t it? I knew you’d agree. I guess the thought of having random people read my writing makes me want to perform, kind of like the way I used to get during basketball practice in the 7th grade when a cute girl sat on the bleachers to watch. My sloppy, sweaty running turned into perfect form and involuntarily my biceps would flex as I trotted down the court. All in a sad-sad attempt to get her to notice me, fall in love with me and bear my children. I’m 29 and that hasn’t worked once so, new strategy! Less flexing, more shaving? Tomorrow I’m shaving everything off! Women like freakishly smooth skinned men, right?

Wow, that got weird quick, anyways as I was saying, random people show up here via the NaBLoPoMo Randomizer and since then I try to write a little better, and not drone on about video games (already failed) and little cars (failed #2). The above link for the randomizer is a cool little thing that allows you to peruse random blogs that are entered into this competition. I was excited at first about discovering and latching onto some new blogs, but there are very few out there I’ve become parasitic about.

As fellow NaBloPoMo blogger, NancyPearlWannabe (who actually has a good blog, you should check her out) points out in her Nov. 14th post, most of the blogs are written by stay at home mom’s talking about laundry, kids and snot. That’s good and all, I know a few mommy bloggers and it must be fun to talk about kids. I can’t back this assertion up, I’m just sayin’ it must be fun since there are so many of them. The most surprising amount of blogs are about knitting. That’s not a typo, I wrote knitting, I also just said it out loud but you can’t hear me. I did not know so much information could be doled out on a daily basis about something so passive. We all have our own little hobbies and I’m not dissin’ the knitters lest I get a needle in my eye or through the heart, but it gets a little tiresome when every other time you hit that ‘view next blog’ button of the randomizer and it lands on a knitting or sewing blog. Plus I think I’m a little annoyed because besides me, there are like 3 other guys doing this competition. This woman to man blogger ratio is the exact opposite of my friends in real life. Most of my ‘real life’ bloggin’ friends are fellas, just like me. Enough about Timmy scraping his knee, I want to read some posts about drinking beer and objectifying women! That’s what men like to write about right?

To the knitting-mom-bloggers, I was only kidding about that last comment, please don’t knit a gun and shoot me. I’m really a nice guy that loves women in a non-objectifying way. You can knit me a sweater and I’ll flex my biceps as I slide it overtop of my hairless body, then we can laugh while making baklava and fajitas. See! A Perfect date with a nice guy!

More solid posts tomorrow!

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Kid Perspective and FPS

When I was a kid I always wondered if I could see as good as other people. I don’t mean sight like 20/20, but like range of motion sight, from periphral to top and bottom. I thought that maybe since I wore glasses it blocked my ability to see as much of the world as other non-glasses people. I remember for a short time there, I thought that maybe some people had eyes in the back of their heads, but they didn’t tell anyone b/c they thought that everyone had eyes in the back of their head. Wouldn’t that be something!? Eyes that were covered by hair until you go to the barber. That would be a great practical joke to play on the hair cutter! Although he/she would probably stab the back of your head with scissors once the eyeball was revealed, and getting stabbed in the back eyeball would not be so funny. My insecurity about sight started because as long as I can remember, I’ve had a trick ear. My right ear doesn’t work like it should so I was always dealing with that and then I began to wonder if maybe my eyeballs were trick as well.

As funny as this sounds, it wasn’t until Wolfenstein 3d and Doom came out that I realized people’s perspective of how they see out of their heads was just like mine! Without the demons, chainsaws and Germans of course. Those grainy First Person Shooters were a big eye opener to me, not only to show me that I was normal but also because I thought the graphics were so flippin’ sweet! I had never seen a game played from the first person perspective and up until that point I was used to games like Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indy didn’t even have a head! Those were the days when the protagonist could be headless and you’d still make millions of dollars. Ever since that time I have loved FPS’s because if done well, they really make you feel like you’re ‘there’ (or there, or there, and there, and maybe they’re?) and if that’s happening then I can turn off my imagination! Stupid imagination, what good has it done for me?

Fast foward to the now. Recently I finished F.E.A.R. and all I can say is wowsa. That game really had it all for me. I got it right after I built my computer because it was the absolute latest and greatest graphically intense game and I wanted to see what everything looked like turned on full blast. It was visually stunning with a great range of effects. The lighting of the levels was so accurate and true to life it gave an authentic feel. The most amazing thing and the reason it takes a beefy PC, is the amount of debris. If bullets start flying in an office building, paper, dust and chunks of paper fill the air, making it hard to see, it’s a cool effect. The walls and landscape are more realistic than any game I’ve played but the really cool thing about the game is it scares the living daylights out of you.

Back in the day, Doom gave me a few jumps and scares but nothing like this. F.E.A.R. has two stories twisted into one. One of them happens to be about a little girl that died as a result of scientist experimenting on her, y’know normal bad stuff. This girl that you rarely see is a cross between the little girl in The Ring and the freaky girl in The Grudge. Not your everyday run of the mill friendly face. This lil’ girl likes to pop out at the most inopportune times, causing you to clutch your heart and punch the screen. I think I went through 37 LCD’s while playing this game. I built this computer in March and started playing the game at that time. One night I was playing alone in the dark and an event made me jump so bad I shut the game off and did not play it again for 6 months. Yes it freaked me out that bad and yes I’m a wimp.

But don’t let my review stop you from picking up this game, the whole game is well done. That’s what I love about some of today’s games, they are truly multiple forms of entertainment, they draw you in like a book, play like a movie, give you the choice factor of a video game and if scary enough, release your bowels in one fell swoosh! Well done I say.

To the gamer people out there give this one a spin, if you don’t have a beefy computer it may not run very well which is sad b/c the detail in the game is astonishing. It’s funny because I have tried to lend the game to two different friends, but they won’t have any of it. They are too scared. Even though I now know most people see out of their heads the same way I do, games like this make me wish I had that extra eye in the back of my head, to scare the barber, little kids and to feel safe at night.

Did anyone else ever think this way as a kid? I know my ex-g/f thought that people with glasses could see BETTER b/c they could see relfections off the glass. Oh the silly things girlfriends think of! What next? Deathmetal banjo? ha! This post is random, it’s Monday! WOOT.

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Techno Symphony

Guess where I was at last Saturday night and you were not.

Give up?

The Symphony. Now I realize this is where most of you uncultured readers will check out or simply close the window, but do not or I will personally come over there and stick a cello up your ass, and unless you’re Fat Albert, it’s gonna hurt. The symphony was grand. My mom called earlier in the day to see if I wanted to go to the symphony, as she had 4 awesome tickets available. I made some calls, moved some stuff around and my friend Liz, her friend Amity , and Phil all attended with me. We truly had the best seats in the house and the ladies looked exquisite. The concert itself was nothing short of spectacular. The cellos hummed, the violins danced and the conducter spasmed with glee.

They played some sonatas and pieces by Mozart, but the most exciting thing was watching the Pianist Robert Levin pound out the fury of Mozart on the piano. The neatest thing of the concert was watching Levin improvise across a theme of Mozart’s. During the intermission the audience could go out and write two bars of music on a piece of paper. They took all of the entries and placed them in a fishbowl. Levin picked three entries and wrapped them around a theme of Mozart’s. I have never seen (or heard) anything like it. Apparently this was standard fare during Mozart’s time, to take audience suggestions and incorporate them in the music. The concert was a success, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

By the end of the concert Phil and I were starving and the ladies were thirsty for some alcohol. Liz, Amity and I were spiffed up so I was hoping to go to a nice place. Someone suggested McMenamins and while that can’t be classified as ‘nice’ it sounded perfect to Phil and I. But then, something weird happened en route to the pub. Amity was cold and wanted to retrieve her coat, which we did but then we all hopped into the car and on the way to McMenamins the car changed direction and before we knew it, Phil and I found ourselves dropped off in front of a less than stellar chinese establishment. The ladies roared off in the SUV telling us to ‘hold them a spot’ because they were going to go change their shoes. Confused, Phil and I walked in and quickly realized we would have no problem holding a spot, as the place was a ghost town. A nice, little Asian man sat us and while we were perusing the menus I looked at Phil and inquired, “how did we get here? I wanted to go to McMenamins!”

“Me Too!” was his reply.

Annoyed I ordered some spicy beef and waited for the girls to join us. They finally came and we all had a good time ordering Chinese beer, eating slimy-spicy beef and listening to the Asian man sing to us. Afterwards I thought we would go our seperate ways but Liz led us down the street until we were in front of a large brick building. There was a small line and a few people milling about, but this is where it got confusing for a second time in 59 minutes. The girls went on ahead and Amity asked if this was ‘ok’…..are we coming? I didn’t understand for a second but then I realized she was talking about the cover charge.

Now let me take a quick moment to inform my readers something about me. I HATE COVERS. I know they are a necessary evil against the riff raff and I can even understand a $2-3 charge but this place was 8 bucks! That was more than my spicy beef! I think covers and initiation fees are just dumbass ways for a place to suck more money out of your pocket, for eight dollars I was hoping the walls were covered in lickable chocolate.

Right after I handed the man my $20 it hit me. I finally clued in to what was going on. I hadn’t heard it before but just as he stamped my hand with a cute little pentagram (to signify I had paid and possibly sold my soul to the devil) I heard the distant thumping of something repulsive. I looked at Liz and my mouth quivered as it formed “nooooooooo”. Her eyes widened and she said, “it’ll be ok”. My legs stiffened with each step, and my innards trembled. I didn’t know it at the time, but I had just paid $8 to walk into a dance club, y’know the kind with the music pumping out with a steady OOMPH OOMPH OOMPH….yeah, that kind. Indeed Beelzebub had my number. We walked in and it was a very small club with not many people in it. I felt better about that and quickly found a place to sit. Phil dove into a chair and he, nor I moved for the next hour and a half. It was awkward, I was overdressed, totally out of my element and with each heavy downbeat of synthesized bass, Mozart’s rolled over in his mass grave and the sweet symphony silently slipped away.

When it comes to music concerts and symphonies I am very quirky. After a concert, particularly if it is a good one, I don’t like to listen to anything the rest of the night. I want to savor and remember the glories and sounds of the concert. Why turn on the radio and wash away the sights and sounds of everything you just saw? It doesn’t mean I’ll freak out if someone wants to listen to something on the ride home, it’s just that most concerts finish late at night and I’d like to go home and lay in bed falling asleep with the symphony still performing to me. On this night, that wasn’t going to happen. At least the girls had a good time dancing and drinking and Phil and I had a time trying to talk over the loud music.

Phil and I finally left around 1am-ish and as I got home and turned into my covers I lay there hearing oomph oomph oomph, straining to find Mozart in between the downbeats and the spicy beef.

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Just a thank you.

A thank you to all the veterans that have fought, died and lived throughout the decades. Thank You! Thank you for serving our country whether by choice or draft. Your service has given and secured many of the freedoms and liberties we as Americans enjoy today. Thank you to all those that died in combat, you gave the ultimate price for our country, and we are forever indebted to you. A huge thank you to those who fought and lived to tell about the atrocities and horrors of war, I know these things affect you to this day….

If you haven’t yet, everyone should see Band of Brothers. It’s a 10 episode series from HBO that portrays the lives of several real soldiers and their time in WWII. Rent it. It is nothing short of excellence. Before each episode they have short interviews with the soldiers that are portrayed in the film. Just a bunch of old guys now, but these men saw and experienced things we will never have to. It’s powerful to hear them talk. The thing that stuck out the most in my head, from Band of Brothers are these interviews. These men are 80+ years old and WWII has been over for 60 years, yet the things they went through during that time, very much affect them today. Sad at times, but its very real and I believe it’s important that we honor them and never forget what they went through. Even if it’s just for this one day and one moment, take that time and remember.

“There’s a graveyard in northern France where all the dead boys from D-Day are buried. The white crosses reach from one horizon to the other. I remember looking it over and thinking it was a forest of graves. But the rows were like this, dizzying, diagonal, perfectly straight, so after all it wasn’t a forest but an orchard of graves. Nothing to do with nature, unless you count human nature. ~Barbara Kingsolver

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