Archive for June, 2007

8 things

A couple of weeks ago I was tagged by Stout Tales. I’ve been really slow at writing this, but it’s finally here.

1. As much as I talk about going number 2 and poo you might be surprised to know that in my beginning years I was not very fond of the whole operation. I was deathly afraid of going anywhere but my home toilet, so much so that I would force myself to go everyday before I left for school. My fear of public pooping was amplified while I was in High School as there were no doors on the stalls, which is absolutely ridiculous. It wasn’t till the end of my High School years that I conquered my public pooping problems. There was no defining moment or profound movement, I just realized at times there’s no stopping a freight train that is honking for it’s next stop, also everyone does it, whether at home or work.

2. Apple pie doesn’t really do any anything for me. Seems like most people love apple pie, but it just doesn’t thrill me. Everytime I mention this to my father he says “well you’ve never had a real apple pie” but everytime he says “here try this, now this is real apple pie” it tastes the same as all other apple pies I’ve eaten. I do agree that homemade crust is way better, but the apples and the cinnamon taste the same no matter where the pie was made.

3. I actually really like Ace of Base. Michelle can testify to this as we were singing “The Sign” in the car the other day.

4. I don’t see the point of walking in the park inside of a city. Ever girl I’ve dated always want to go walk around the park but I feel like it’s just fake nature. I’d rather be way out in the country where the air is truly still and the non-polluted breeze freely blows.

5. I can’t swim. Many of my friends know that but I’m sure some readers don’t. Every girlfriend I’ve had was determined to teach me how to swim. They have all failed. They all want to be ‘the one’ that gets the title of ‘taught a grown man how to swim’but all have fallen short. I don’t like water above my ankles so swimming pools and lakes pose a large problem for me. I would actually like to learn how to swim but I don’t think that girlfriends are the best teachers.

6. In childhood up till now I’ve had a healthy obsession with fire, knives and guns. I am living proof that there is a God since I have not yet majorly cut, burned or shot myself.

7. I hate the tiny ingrown hairs I get on my legs when I workout. What’s the deal with these things? It makes it look like I have sporadic leg pimples, but it’s not leg acne…I swear! It’s probably my massive muscles underneath the skin trying to push through my pores.

8. What did the zero say to the eight? ………………….. Nice belt.

Comments (7)


Postsecret had some good postcards about dads but this one and the comments underneath them cracked me up. It reminds me of things my dad would’ve told me as a kid, but also gives me ideas of things I can tell my kids. I don’t remember any crazy things he told us off the top of my head but I do remember the time that he told me to touch the electric fence surrounding the cow pasture. You can imagine how high I jumped when it sent many many volts of electricity through my 6 year old body. I also remember the time he gave me a large peppercorn and said, “this is really yummy, chew on this” So I bit down thinking I could trust my own father, but was instantly saddened with the results of biting down on a whole peppercorn. Come to think of it, maybe my dad didn’t have any dadisms, but rather he enjoyed tricking me. Anyways, enjoy and add to the list if you have any.


My dad used to say that inside of the car’s air-bags was uncooked popcorn. When you wrecked the popcorn would pop and you would have a snack until help came.

When I was little, my dad told me ATMs worked by having little monkeys inside them. I believed that for years. Now I work in a bank, and wish it were true!

My dad told me the worst swear word you could possibly say was “Bostonian”. It meant “someone who has no private parts.” My brother and I used the word until we were teenagers and my father giggled every time we said it, right before he sent us to our rooms.

when i was little my dad told me that polyester was a small animal in australia & they would kill it to make clothes. that night i sat in my room reading the labels on my clothes for hours & threw all of the polyester ones away.

When I was little my Dad told me that the tune played by the ice-cream van was the ice-cream man letting everyone know that he’d run out of ice-cream.

When we’d approach exits or toll booths, my father told me the sound the car made when it went over the rumble strips was the car getting angry because I had been bad. I still sit up a little straighter when I hit a rumble strip.

Comments (5)

In heaven the streets are paved with these

Fresh, hand-picked strawberries. So good. You don’t even know.

Comments (3)

Destiny’s Child

The other night I was minding my own business when Beyonce came up to me and said, “We really need someone to fill in for us. We’re short a person and we need you.” I was stunned, but agreed. The next thing I knew I was quickly learning the words and steps for the performance that night. Beyonce was super nice and helpful with everything and we killed. The next day I was about to go to work with real estate stuff when she called me again and told me she really needed me again for the next show. I agreed but was having trouble remembering the words and steps. Nevertheless we still killed. That night Beyonce asked me to go on tour with her and the other girls. I was uncertain as to what to do because I figured The Brit wouldn’t approve since our business was picking up. That’s when Beyonce told me that they would pay me $20,000 per concert. Even with such an offer I still couldn’t decide.

The next morning I had to laugh. 20k per show? I’d be there in a heartbeat….sorry Michelle. Too bad Destiny’s Child isn’t together anymore. With me on there, we would’ve cleaned up!

Comments (2)

30 and 37

Happy Birthday to my good buddy Jake who is seriously the best guitarist I personally know. I hope that even though he is now an oldie he’ll still be able to move his fingers just as good.

In other news I need to give a shout out to my sweet parents who as of today at 3pm have been married for 37 years. That’s just crazy awesome. :)

Comments (5)

They use fertilizer

Sitting in the bar across from my friend Jeremy we dive into a pitcher of beer and hot pizza. I haven’t seen him in months so it’s always nice to catch up. I told him how lucky he is to have a great marriage with a wonderful wife and kid. He agreed, but then told me how lucky I was to be single, out on my own and kidless. We both chuckled as it seems the grass is always greener on the other side. I long for the companionship he has and he longs for the freedom I have. He explained that even if you have a fantastic marriage you still have very little time that is ‘yours’. Suddenly your life is filled with other commitments. You have to entertain your wife’s boss for dinner or you get called over to the inlaws house to help them rearrange their furniture, your kid broke her elbow and needs to go to the E.R., y’know annoying things like that. I can see his point but it can get depressing on the freedom side of things as well. There’s no one to come home to, or to slide in next to you as you drift off to sleep, no one to serenade on the guitar or to high five when you frag somebody in Halo 2.

It’s not all bad, we both had valid points. I’ve heard it said that the grass is greener because the other side uses fertilizer. True or not I guess there is no other side. We’re all on the same grass. The trick is finding true fulfillment and happiness on your own lawn.

Comments (8)

Musical Memories on a Sunday Night

I always start with good intentions but about an hour into it I get way off course. Cleaning my room seems to be a constant chore no how many times in the week I do it. The main problem is that I stop and look at everything whether it’s trash or treasure. Too often I begin to move slower and slower in the process while I sit and reminisce of fond memories. Last night while I was cleaning I began to hum a song I hadn’t heard in ages. I searched my archives of mp3’s for the song, but I couldn’t find it. Instead I found 100’s of mp3’s that haven’t penetrated my ears in many moons. Craving some background music I highlighted a bunch and began cleaning.

I had one of the most productive cleaning sessions last night. Instead of reminiscing over the things in my room, the songs took my mind back in time to things I had nearly forgot. Listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers ‘Under the Bridge’ brought me back to the 8th grade and how bad I wanted to learn the guitar so I could play that opening riff. The Beatles ‘Birthday’ reminded me how I used to play that song nearly every morning while preparing for my Freshman year of H.S. ‘Guitar’ by Cake totally brought me back to the time that Hawaii Jake and I acted/danced out the entire Fashion Nugget album in front of his wife. I don’t think we were even drunk, I do remember we were tired and sweaty when we were done. The flood of notes produced by Joe Satriani’s ‘Satch Boogie’ gave me the glimpse of what it was like to be 16 again, in my room with Guitar Jake as we listened in awe at Satriani’s undeniable accuracy, hoping one day we could be like him. I think Jake is a lot closer than I. As Joni Mitchell’s ‘California’ pierced from the speakers I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten the weeks Nicole and I spent practicing that song together, in preparation for……nothing really, but it sure was fun practicing and dreaming of playing at Saturday Market, now it’s been years since I’ve heard from her. The somberness was shattered with Metallica’s rendition of ‘Whiskey in a Jar’ and my mind’s eye saw Aaron and I speeding down the road doing stupid stuff in our cars while head banging to that song. I’m glad we lived to tell about it.

During The Cure’s ‘The Love Cats’ and their funky bassline I recalled how I first heard that song performed byNormal Jean’s family band ‘Wallace’. They rocked and I was hooked. It was too bad I didn’t have a bitchin’ sound system like Tony did/does (I don’t know if he still has the hookup) when I heard TLC’s ‘No Scrubs’. He had speakers that would hit so hard your heart would stop, fortunately they were also strong enough to reanimate your lifeless pump with the next downbeat. When Ween’s ‘Buenas Tardes’ came on all I could think of was Phil because he’s the only person I know that likes them, and he used to have a keychain with their symbol on it. Ween’s design has pointy edges around it, so the keychain easily poked through Phils jean pockets and thus he would always make me hold his keys. Super annoying.

It turned into a great night for cleaning and reminiscing, I was sad that I didn’t have the soundtrack to Star Wars or Back to the Future to remind me of Dave, so my non-musical memories of him will have to do. We all know this about the brain but the experience reminded me of how powerful our minds are! It’s crazy how many times smells and tastes will come to me when I hear a certain song, sometimes it’s the taste of acid reflux if the song is crappy, but other times it’s quite pleasant. I can’t wait for my next cleaning night.

Comments (4)