Archive for April, 2008

This requires action TODAY 4/30 5-10pm

I think you’ll all thank me later with your triple scoop of mint chocolate chip and bubble gum ice cream.

Check this out! Almost Free Ice Cream

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I saw a crazy thing happen on the freeway

yesterday. I was driving down the road like I often do when I’m en route to point B. As I was driving I couldn’t shake the feeling like something was wrong with my car, it seemed like it was making weird noises and I was having a hard time keeping it on the road. I wondered if maybe my car was fine and I was just drunk. I huffed into my cupped hand to see if I could smell any evidence of margaritas, mojitos or Maker’s Mark on my breath but my nostrils detected only the suttle remnants of lunch; salad with jalapeƱo ranch and chicken nuggets, yum. Then I thought that maybe I was high on drugs and that’s why I couldn’t keep my car on the road. But after a quick mental flip through my memory Rolodex I remembered that I haven’t been high in…..never. With the two leading causes of limited car control out of the way I looked up and saw my answer, wind. I didn’t actually see the wind, that would be silly, no one can see the wind except maybe little people. I get the distinct feeling they have special powers that we don’t know about and they don’t share it with any of us. It makes sense though, because when you’re that small you need to have some sort of Ace in the hole. In fact with their wind seeing ability I believe little people would make excellent weathermen and women but the problem is that TV station cameras are unable to go down to their level, and the maps on the green screen would have to be sized down so as to not engulf their small frames, no one wants to see a tiny map of the United States of America during the weather report.

So I was in the middle lane of the freeway and the wind was whipping me around like a churn full of butter. A few car lengths in front of me in the fast lane was a newish Maroon Jetta. I don’t usually take note of Jettas unless they are full of bubbly females (which they usually are). This one was occupied by two men. Right at the moment as I was looking at the Jetta the most amazing thing happened. Without warning and with extreme force, the hood of the car flung open against the windshield, effectively blocking the drivers view of the road or anything in front of him. I couldn’t believe it! It was actually kinda cool. I quickly got over into the slow lane in case he got spooked and came into my lane. Fortunately he was able to limp his Jetta to the shoulder nearest to the fast lane. As I passed I craned my neck like all good Americans do, to see if there was anything worth seeing. The hood was smashed against the windshield and since it was ripped open so violently it creased the hood right down the middle giving it a nice ‘V’ shape. Sucks!

I remember as a kid watching a Macgyver with my dad and there was a fast paced chase scene where the bad guy is right behind Macgyver and so Mac tells the driver to pop the hood. The driver says “What? You crazy?!” and Mac is all like “No, pop the hood!” so the driver pops the hood and the hood rips off the car and goes flying into the bad guy’s windshield causing him to crash or at least stop pursuing. I remember asking my dad if that would really happen and he said “Only in the movies son, only in the movies”. Unfortunately, my dad was right because as cool as it was to see the hood fly up it would’ve been even cooler to see it fly off. I don’t know if the hood wasn’t properly secured, the wind blew it off or if there was a little person inside the engine compartment mischievously fooling with the latching mechanism. Either way I know that:

wind + little people = not a good mix.

Case closed.

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In the butt!

I’m not sure why I find this so humorous but I guess it has something to do with being the youngest child and feeling that sweet moment when your older sister is getting in trouble. My sister was an angel in the eyes of my parents so that rarely happened around our household, in fact it was usually me that was getting in trouble. The girl in the video was an idiot, she lied to her mother and went to some guy’s house that she met on myspace. Luckily, the younger brother is there with the video camera to catch it all as it unfolds. It’s a little slow at first and there are few choice words screamed by the daughter, but once the brother gets into it, it truly is ‘a family video that will go down in history’.

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What I’ve been doing lately

I haven’t written in a while and I owe a few people out there some emails, but instead of rehashing everything over and over again to everyone I thought I’d just spill it here.

It started last Friday. Everything was cool and normal, I finished kickboxing, rushed home to clean up and go meet my dad for a drink and a laugh. As I got into my car I felt a ‘twinge’ in my gut and decided to run back in the house. Luckily I did because right as I sat down in the bathroom it was if someone turned my butt faucet on ‘full blast’, my innards expelled themselves faster than a locomotive off a cliff. I called my dad to let him know I might be a little late for our meeting, but he didn’t want any part of my butt river and told me to stay home. I felt a little queasy and thought that the tuna fish sandwich I had for lunch was just quickly swimming it’s way downstream. A few hours later I had round 2, but felt decently normal as I went to bed. During the night I had to get up 5 different times to shoot more water from my backside. I didn’t take anything for it right away b/c I wanted my body to rid itself from whatever was irritating it and I come from a family that has a very stern ‘let’s wait and see what happens’ policy when it comes to getting sick. Now that I’m older I’m never sure how long I should wait. When I had my first kidney stone I waited for 5 hours in excruciating pain before I decided I should go to the hospital. Here it was noon the next day and I was still busy making poop smoothies. I called Dr. Dad and we was like, “oh s**t! You’re still doing that? Yeah, you need to take something.” I took a bunch of Immodium, but I was still 5 hours (24 hours after it had started) until I was stopped up.

All day Sunday I pumped myself full of juices and herbs and barely any food so my body could reset itself. By Sunday night I was feeling better and was only eating simple things to get me back on track. Monday my bowels were feeling better but I still wasn’t on real food and by this time I had lost 6lbs since Friday night! New Diet Plan! I thought I was getting better in the intestinal region but I did feel like I was getting a bit of a head cold. Monday I laid low and continued the fluid and bland food treatment. Tuesday I felt a bit better and finally had a normal number two. My head cold had developed into a nasty cough, but I was glad things were mostly normal….or so I thought.

Tuesday night was Dave’s bday party for being 31 and all. We were going to meet him at a billiards hall to celebrate. Before hand, Kelli and I went to Thai food to get some soup. I was congested and my cough was bugging me so I thought some soup would help. After Thai we stopped by Phil’s house so he could drive us to the pool place. As we waited in the car near the pool hall, I felt a ‘twinge’ and said “we should go, even though Dave said he was running late”. Our brisk walk nearly turned into a full run when I suddenly realized that my intestines were gearing up for a major launch. I quickly became very aware that we were T minus 10 seconds and counting until all systems were a “GO”, whether or not the launch pad was clear. We reached the front entrance of the billiards place and instead of holding the door open for Kelli, I flung it open to let myself in. T minus 5 seconds. I stepped on the stairs and took 4 steps in one leap, this was a mistake as a little pre-launch fluid squeaked out during my wide step. I frantically adjusted and climbed the stairs with my legs and knees together. I made it to the door of the bathroom praying that it was unoccupied, burst through the stall door, frenzily flung my coat on the nasty ground, fumbled with my belt and zipper and then BLAST OFF. I thought maybe my head would hit the ceiling the explosion was so big. Even though it helped my sinuses, I guess the Spicy Beef wasn’t a good choice as the first thing to eat after having diarrhea. I was in the bathroom forever and everyone gave me a weird look as I walked out. The night was miserable. I didn’t play pool, my insides were going crazy. I barely made it home w/o incident. In the middle of the night I woke up 2 more times for my insides to empty themselves.

Wednesday I was weak, sick and frustrated my cough. It was nasty and my lungs burned something fierce. I was beginning to think I might have to go to the doctor, but I didn’t know how long I should wait. Wednesday night I put a humidifier in my room and that seemed to make all the difference. Thursday morning I woke up coughing up all sorts of pretty colors and the burning lung sensation had receded to a more tolerable level. I decided to eat some chicken and mashed taters on Thursday and my body was thankful for the real food. Today (Friday) I’m still hacking like an 86 year old smoker and getting many neat colors out of my lungs. My stomach feels fine and I thought I was in the clear of any intestinal issues, but in the late afternoon when I went to the bathroom to conduct some business but unfortunately things were still….soft.

I have no idea if this is a mutant bug or what! SO frustrating. All I can say is stay away from this bug, it sucks major!

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All in a Fool’s Day

Today is April 1st and the fool’s day jokes are in full swing upon the internet. I notice as I get older I constantly forget about April Fool’s Day. This makes me sad because I like to play tricks on unsuspecting people. As a kid it was a day I looked forward to because there was always some person that would forget what day it was and they would look like a fool when I would convince them there was a pink elephant in their yard or that I got an ‘A’ on a test. The problem with adulthood is that your tomfoolery has to become more and more complicated because no one is going to believe you when you tell them there is a pink elephant in their yard….unless. Unless next year I really DO get a pink elephant and have it sit in different friend’s yards! Now who is the fool for NOT believing me when I call them and say “Holy Crap! There is a pink elephant in your yard!”?! That’s right, YOU are.

I didn’t really play any April Fool’s jokes this year. Unintentionally I did. There is a recent opening in our office for a professional receptionist. My colleague Michelle spotted the ad on Craigslist last night and we both decided to send in our faux applications. We had fun and the office manager thought mine was real until he got to the part about my degree in snake wrangling.

It’s good to see that not everyone grows up and still desperately tries to convince others of pink elephants on the lawn. almost got me with their new ‘Custom Time’ Feature that says “Ever wish you could go back in time and send that crucial email that could have changed everything — if only it hadn’t slipped your mind? Gmail can now help you with those missed deadlines, missed birthdays and missed opportunities. ” At first I was thinking ‘Oh that’s coo—wait a minute, email time travel hasn’t been invented yet!’. Also if you head over to right now and click on any of the featured videos you’ll have a nice little laugh fo’ sho’. And finally if you feel like watching people do stupid pranks on each other visit for a laugh.

I hope the day was well for all of you and you were nobody’s fool. :)

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