Archive for April, 2009

What the hell is in my munchies?!

I swung by Freddies on my way home to buy some cereal for Nick’s 30th bday bash this weekend. Don’t worry, I’m not so lame that I would buy someone cereal for their bday, he just asked me to ’scare some up’ for everyone that is spending the night. In addition I decided to grab some munchies for the road. I couldn’t decide what to get so I got a bag of Munchies. Munchies would be perfect if they would leave out the damn Rold Gold pretzels. That’s a perfectly good way to ruin munchies, stick with the cheetos, doritos and sun chips and it would be divine. I was driving home grabbing fat handfuls to stuff in my face when I suddenly pulled this out….(see pic)

WTF is that?? Now I know you’re thinking that just looks like I’m holding up a delicious chicken nugget and believe me I wish it was because chicken nuggets inside a bag of munchies would make them so much better. In fact if they replaced the Rold’s Gold Pretzels with chicken nuggets I’d buy a bag every week…..but I digress. This is some hard, dry, clumpy object covered in fake dusty cheese. I’m scared to investigate the mysterious object for fear of what I mind find hidden inside the cheese dust clump, could be a mouse, finger or more cheese?!

The question is, I’m about to leave for my mini-road trip and I still have a 3/4 uneaten bag of munchies, should I keep eating them and leave the clump at home? I can’t quite decide. What would you do?

When I reached into the bag and my fingers stumbled across the lump it reminded me of a story my grandmother told me about her brother some years ago. He was a bachelor living at home so his dinner often consisted of Rice Krispies or Corn Flakes. On this night he poured out a heaping bowl, covered it in milk and dove in. About half way through, his spoon struck something solid and he looked down to see something black in his cereal. Thinking it was a dead mouse he immediately jumped up, ran to the bathroom and threw up his milky dinner (I wonder if Rice Krispies snap, crackle and pop on the way out?). After a few minutes he composed himself and came back to the kitchen. He looked into his bowl dug out the black ‘thing’ and realized that it wasn’t a small mouse as he originally thought, but a toy that had fallen out in the middle of all his cereal.


I wish I had a toy, I suppose in some places a dry, clumpy mass could be a toy and that’s a nice thought…I just wish they wouldn’t put it in my munchies.

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Can you hear me now? No.

“What if I’m under a blanket?” Came the inquiry from the elderly lady standing in the middle of the room.

“Good question” said the 5’2’ muscular, ball of energy instructor known as Renee.

Without missing a beat Renee sprinted between the 40+ women in the room towards the back wall. She flung a few pads and a man-sized dummy on the floor and grabbed a blue blanket as she ran towards the front of the class. Laying down and pulling the blanket over her body she yelled, “Where’s Micah?”.


Normally anytime a woman is lying flat on her back and calls out my name I am quick to respond. But I had been a little hesitant all day as every time my name was called within seconds I was getting kicked in the groin, hit in the face, elbowed in the ribs, chopped in the throat. That’s not the typical response I strive for from the females but it was all for a good cause as I was the ‘demo guy’ for my Krav Maga school’s Rape Prevention Class. After three and a half hours of it I was glad the class was almost done and that I was still injury free.

 I straddled Renee as she pretended to sleep and began choking her with my hands. –Side note I know that sounds horrible but really I am a nice guy, this isn’t a normal Saturday for me…it was all part of the plan. End side note—

 With surprisingly strong movement she thrust her hips in the air and twisted her body causing me to fall to the side. She continued her motion and I was quickly on my back defending all her blows towards my head. Most of her blows were ‘pulled’ i.e. not full force until “WHACK!”



Without warning she smacked me right across my ear hole. I grimaced in pain while she finished pummeling me. When I came to my feet I realized my ear was ringing and I couldn’t hear very well. Frustrated, I discretely walked over to the corner of the room and tried to recover. Fortunately the class was nearly finished and as soon as it was I ducked out and went home.

At home I stood in the shower soaking my sweaty bod and was glad the pain had gone away, but so had my hearing. I wholeheartedly wished I could have the attitude of Dilios in the movie 300 when he loses his eye:

King Leonidas: Dilios, I trust that ‘scratch’ hasn’t made you useless.
Dilios: Hardly, my lord, it’s just an eye. The gods saw fit to grace me with a spare.


And maybe I would have that outlook if only I had a spare. Unfortunately as most people reading this already know, my right ear has been through the battlefields of infections, trauma and the doctor’s knife. The hearing loss is significant and so I rely heavily on the power of my left ear, but no longer since Renee smacked me directly in the left ear.

After much debating and calling the nurse hotline I decided to go to urgent care that night. I didn’t want to, mainly because I try to avoid doctors/hospitals like I do mushrooms but I figured since it was my only good ear I should get it checked out. Nearly two hours of waiting in the waiting room and the little room with the tongue depressors the doc finally came in. He was a young guy with a blonde beard, graying hair and manky teeth. He took a peak and did the standard doctor ‘uhuh’. He told me there was definite trauma to the ear as there was blood on the eardrum. He went to look something up on the computer and left me to wait for another 20 minutes. I was going crazy since I knew the Blazer game was just starting and I was locked in an 8×8 room. As it turns out I wasn’t missing much in the way of a ‘game’, my poor blazies got slaughtered. Young beard doc came back in, took another long look and said that he couldn’t see if there were any tears or holes, but that I should see a specialist ASAP.

Monday rolled around and fortunately I was able to get in the same day to see a specialist. HES was kind enough to pick me up and wait with me to see the new special ear doc. The doc came out and called us back to his room. He was a short man with a soft British voice and genuine spirit. When he smiled, laugh lines descended from his eyes like trenches down to his chin. I liked him already. I told him the story (every doc wants to hear the story) and he said “jolly good show young lad, sounds like you got boxed in the ears! Now let me ‘ave a butchers hook in there before that woman has another go at ‘em.”

He looked and said ‘uhuh’ but didn’t seem ultra happy, which in turn didn’t make me uber happy. He pulled out a pad and drew me a picture of my eardrum, which is actually really easy because it closely resembles a circle. Showed me where there was a small blood clot on the ear and much to my unhappiness that there were also two small tears in the eardrum. He said there was nothing really to do at this point except wait for it to heal. In a normal, healthy ear that hasn’t had much trauma there is over a 74% chance that it will heal on it’s own, if it doesn’t they will do surgery.

So now how I feel is half deaf. I’m not totally deaf as I can talk on the phone, but everything sounds muffled like I’m underwater. My voice sounds like it’s in my chest and not ‘out’ like it usually does. This is most frustrating and I’m doing my best to stay cool and be patient but it’s hard. I have another appointment with Brit Doc next week to see if there is any healing and he said due to all the blood in the head we should be able to see some healing by next week. I sure hope so because I don’t think I can live much longer like this. In the meantime I’m keeping my head up and being thankful that I have two eyes and knowing that Krav Maga really does work. Also I’ve learned my lesson about straddling small women. Don’t. (unless you’re ready for a ride)



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Don’t overreact

I saw this on PostSecret this morning and it just made me laugh. But it also rings true to me. Even in the midst of crappy things life is generally good, it really is what you make it. That’s not the easiest thing to write on a Monday morning before I head into work to run payroll reports and do budget spreadsheets. But is it really that bad? No, not really, it’s pretty good really. Keep your chin up, yell at a horse if you have to.

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Rhymes about gettin’ some….

During a lively email discussion between a couple of friends this morning we got to talking about my one friend’s lack of a girlfriend. We were trying to help the good fellow out with advice on gettin’ the ladies, but suddenly the conversation turned into rhymes about his dating woes.
Please to enjoy. Pipe in with your own!!!

when he should be tomcattin’
he’s lollygaggin’
that’s our Bill
who has never had his fill.
a man without a plan
for getting a WO-man
he needs to step it up at least
if he expects to get a piece

His penis wouldn’t be lonely
If he found a woman that’s homely
And humps like a dream
While he’s eating his iced cream

But if he gave her a break
and bought her a steak
she’d leave him alone
just him and his bone
Ahh..but if he took a chance
And gave her some romance
He might find some luck
When she says “Fancy a F*ck?”

#6 (Bill’s Response)
Archie is smart
Micah likes to fart
f*ck you guys!

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Doing it all for the ladies

Last Saturday I spent most of the day surrounded by 30 sweaty, screaming women. Now I’m sure you’re thinking “Well, that’s just a typical day for Micah…” and if it was a Tuesday you would be correct, but most Saturdays are much more mellow for me. I wasn’t at a Radiohead or John Mayer concert nor was I at the beach with these lovely loud ladies. Instead I was at the Krav Maga school where I can be found nearly every damn day. I’d like to think that the 30 women were there for me, but in reality they were there to kick some ass, and kick ass they did!
Last weekend the KM School put on a Rape Prevention Seminar as part of the Sexual assault Awareness Month that is happening right now. I was asked to take part and be a coach for the event. This meant I got to be the instructor’s demonstration dummy and get kneed, punched, elbowed and thrown. It was a lot of fun. The highlight of the day for us coaches and the women was forming two circles around padded attackers. These attackers grab and try to choke the women and the goal of the women is to defend themselves, not allowing the attacker to get them. The attackers are decently big guys and the odds appear to be in their favor but make no mistake, girls can kick just as much ass as anyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many groin kicks in one day. And even though the attackers were well padded they still emerged battered, bloodied and bruised. It was an awesome day and I believe that most, if not all of the women left with a new sense of confidence and accomplishment.

So if you’re not a fan of raping, you should listen up. In about a week and a half on Saturday April 18th the KM school is going to put on another Rape Prevention Seminar. If you like kicking ass or want to better understand how to defend yourself, you should sign up. It’s guaranteed to be a good time and lots of fun. I personally won’t be suiting up in a big bad man padded suit so if you want to kick *my* ass, it’s going to have to wait. But I do promise to yell and scream at you with encouragement with all the rest of the people in the class.

More info Here!

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