Archive for July, 2009

Art Museum and pool cues

Walking into an art museum I was immediately overcome by the wonderful works of art and sculptures. I walked slowly as I admired the brush strokes and exquisite detail captured on the canvas. The museum was crowded, but not enough to obscure proper viewing. I was surprised to walk into a different room and find a large crowd gathered in the middle. The crowd moved and grew like a pot ready to boil over. People with pool cues began running around the outside of the room, circling the crowd. The curator frantically tried to calm the pool cue toting people down, but they pushed him out of the way. I watched curiously until one of the thugs lifted two pool cues and struck me on the shoulder. It was at that moment I went from curious spectator to fully involved participant. Without a second thought I burst forward with a punch that would make Mike Tyson squeal. The jerk fell flat on his back and all the other pool cue punks looked up and quickly left the museum. I stayed to help the curator rough up an old, drunk biker dude that didn’t understand the museum was no place to act like this.

And then I woke up, trying to make sense of it all….

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She could be famous

H.E.S. is sad that I made fun of her hairy legs. I wasn’t make fun, just merely admiring their likeness to Chewbacca’s.

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To the fat lady riding the black motorcycle on I84

Get off the f*cking road.

Seriously, before you kill yourself or anyone else.

After riding a motorcycle around for several years I believe I know what I am talking about when I say it is YOUR responsibility to stay out of people’s blind spot, believe me they can’t see you no matter how large you seem on that motorcycle. When passing an 18 wheeler on the freeway it should not take 5 minutes. There is no reason to get in the fast lane and then match speed with the semi-truck in the slow lane. That is a great way to have a pileup crash behind you as cars that were once traveling at 75mph slam on their brakes for your slow, meandering butt. Riding alongside an 18 wheeler for 5 miles on a motorcycle is one of the stupidest things you can do. Are you retarded? You must be because after passing the large truck you sped up to nearly 85mph so no one could pass you. I’m sure you were scared to see all the one-fingered salutes. The limit of your mental capacity was revealed when the speeding ambulance with screaming sirens came up behind you and you continued to putt along in the fast lane. Judging by the size of your pants you must have fat for brains. The ambulance isn’t blaring loud sirens to signal “fun times up yonder” it means ‘get the f*ck out of the way’. The group of 10 bad-ass Harley riders had no problem letting the ambulance pass, but being bad-ass Harley riders they immediately jumped in the ambulance’s wake and roared up the highway using it to their convenience.

And to the old lady driving the brown Honda. Blaring sirens mean get out of the way, but that doesn’t mean come into the slow lane and SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES right in front to me! Decelerating from 60 to 20 is another great way to get in an accident on the freeway. Are you stupid, or just sisters with fat motorcycle lady? My honking and glaring was all for you as I saw my life about to slip away.

And finally to the blue Toyota Tundra. What happened? Why did you have to use the rest area with only 70 miles left? We had a good 200 miles together passing, weaving in and out of traffic. You were my pace car to keep me in check and just under 75mph. You were the engine and I was the caboose and together we were making record time. It was soon after you left the freeway that my troubles began and the hog ridin’ bovine came into view. I believe had we stuck together we could’ve conquered all the bad drivers and traffic leading to Portland.

Nevetheless I made it back from Phildaho. It was HOT.

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This is an article I wrote for the latest work newsletter…enjoy.

One of the problems with being a genius on the computer is that I (obviously) sit in front of a computer much of the time. Most of my day is filled with me staring into a thin rectangular box. Even after my nightly workout, shower and feed time I still end up sitting in front of the computer for at least an hour. Sometimes I don’t even want to sit back down at the terminal but it calls to me with its shiny buttons and endless Internet. And like a chubby kid smelling cake, I can’t help but dive in.

Over time, sitting at the computer with bad posture can wreak havoc on your body. I have a friend that is an excellent programmer and has been hammering out code for the past 10 years. His programs are a thing of beauty but his spine looks like a wilted flower that has been sucked dry by the sun. He used to stand 6 feet tall but has now transferred those vertical inches forward. In other words he makes the hunchback of Notre Dame look like an all star athlete.

I shouldn’t point fingers because my back used to be strong like an Ox and straight as a board but now it’s ’strong’ like a cat and as straight as a gently warped board. The problem with me is that I sit in the weirdest positions throughout the day. Sometimes I hunch forward, other times I sit on my legs, but no matter what I always slouch. I know slouching makes me look about as professional as a guy wearing ripped jeans and socks with his flip-flops, but it’s a really bad habit I’ve had for years. I once worked with a massage therapist who gave me a stern lecture about posture when she saw how I was sitting at my computer. I really do try to heed her advice.

Possibly the most important thing I have learned to do when sitting at a computer for hours is to get my lazy butt up and move around. I’m no longer a spring chicken and I’ve noticed in my advanced age that if I sit for too long my lower back starts to hurt and my neck gets tight. Getting up and moving around doing some arms swings or cartwheels is a great way to get the blood flowing and to loosen your tight muscles. If you’re prone to headaches at work try some deep breathing and moving your head forward/backward, in a slow twisting motion or in a nice gentle circle. After being stationary for an extended period and doing these neck exercises I’ve found that my neck sounds like a bowl of Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning…snap, crackle and POP! I usually feel better afterwards, but don’t blame me if your head falls off because you were too vigorous with these exercises. Start slow.

When standing you should also try to retain good posture. Try to stand with most of your weight on the balls of your feet and not on the heels. I am guilty of standing like a flat-footed platypus all too often. Your head should be back and your shoulders upright with your arms hanging naturally at your side. I’ve noticed when people stand it’s easy to see what sort of posture they’ve been positioned in most of their life. 

Without a doubt the best way to improve your posture is to exercise. I know this bit of advice will cause many to grumble since the only exercise they get is from 12oz curls, but exercise is really key. You don’t have to lift weights and look like the governor of California, but getting outside and walking can do wonders. In addition you can do non-impact things like Yoga or Pilates that will strengthen and stretch your body. Stretching can do wonders if your body is prone to getting ‘bound up’ after hunching behind your computer day after day.

No one wants to look like a hobbling hunch back when they grow up, so take care and beware of how you sit for extended periods of time. You’ll feel much better and your body will thank you. If you grow old and end up with only a view of your toes don’t say I didn’t warn you!



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