Like a 5 course meal blended into one milkshake….

….so was the dream I had last night. Things started out normal enough, Jake, Phil and I were on our way to a concert, I didn’t know who we were seeing, but right when I got there I remembered. System of a Down (SOAD). Once we got to the auditorium is where my dream took a turn and never looked back. SOAD was jamming out in the outdoor ‘auditorium’. Except it was no coliseum, instead where they were playing from was a huge tower that stretched at least 200ft. in the air. A large circular tower and all the fans were crowded around the bottom craning their necks towards the sky to watch their favorite band. Not only was it an odd sight to see a concert tower it was more curious that the tower was not done being built, in fact while the concert was going there were construction men on scaffolding still piecing the tower together. I guess the concert just couldn’t wait?!

Annoyed that I couldn’t see very well and that my neck was hurting from all the craning I decided to go investigate this tower.
I was able to gain access near through an underground tunnel. Underneath the concert tower was an intricate system of catacombs and mud. Which if you think about it makes zero sense as a foundation for a concert tower. Anyway, I was exploring when I heard a bunch of the electricians I used to work for coming around the corner. Fearing that I would get caught where I wasn’t supposed to be I ran and hid. When the coast was clear I made a beeline for the underground exit.

Once outside, the concert was still in full swing. I noticed that everyone was looking up at something…..besides the band playing 150 ft. above their heads. I too looked up and the clouds were flashing green, bright green. Some middle aged ladies who were completely out of place at a SOAD concert came up to me and told me the lights were a new kind of Northern Lights. I stood in awe as the green flashes zapped from cloud to cloud. System of a Down could tell that no one was paying attention to the concert anymore so in mid song they just quit playing and left the tower stage. I was sad the concert was over b/c I had spent most of my time underneath the tower and looking at new Northern Lights. Undaunted the ladies went on to tell me that everything I was seeing could be recorded on the new Xbox 360, all I had to do was point it to the sky. (WTF?!)

My open mouthed sky gazing was interrupted by Jake pulling me away telling me we had to go. I pleaded with him that we needed to find Phil, but he said ‘nevermind him’ and took off in the car with me in tow. (sorry phil!) As we drive I notice that the scenery becomes more and more rural. I look down at the GPS but it was so zoomed in all I could see was the ‘dot’ representing us. I unzoomed and we weren’t even on a road and we were heading the wrong way.

I sheepishly cleared my throat, “Jake, buddy…um we’re going the wrong way, and we left Phil back there.”

With angry confidence Jake declared, “I know what I’m doing, we can go back for Phil later!”

Just then the road turned to gravel, and then mud and got creepy real quick. We rounded a bend when off to our right was a creepy old man standing by his property gate with a shotgun in hand and a wide toothless grin on his face. The old man had that twinkle in his eye, the Deliverance twinkle.

“Jake! Get the EFF outta here!” I freaked.

Jake sped on and suddenly we came into a clearing and what lay before my eyes? A quaint, small town. It was extremely clean
even though all the brick buildings looked like they had been built at the turn of the century. Like a possessed man, Jake bolted straight for the upscale French Bistro in the middle of the town. Upon entering Jake ran to the bathroom (I guess he really had to go). While I was waiting for Jake the waiter an unusually tall asian man with a wide head came out and asked how many were in my party.

“Uhh, none? I guess my friend just had to use the bathroom.”

His thin eyes widened and he bellowed, “Then you get out! We not serve non paying customer!”

I convinced him to let us stay even though we were severly underdressed and there was no way we could afford a plate of salad.
As I waited for Jake the entire place filled up with customers. All yuppies, all dressed to the max. I became uncomfortable and walked around looking for Jake. As I passed by the hostess’ stand near the front entrance I noticed a tall woman enter. She was wearing a slinky turquoise evening gown that sucked to her shapely hips like saran-wrap around a leg of lamb. Just as my eyes were slowly making their way down to her shoes (see previous post) the pretty lady fainted!

“Aww crap!” was all I could mutter.

With that I turned around and briskly walked away, I had a Jake to find. I investigated the back part of the establishment when suddenly I heard a blood curdling scream. I tore around the corner and found what I was looking for, well sort of. There before me was Jake lying on his stomach, naked from the waist down and his bubble butt sticking in the air. Around him were 3 or 4 tiny asian women and they were busy waxing his entire backside, the whole thing from the top of the butt cheek on down to the ankle. The scream was the result of them ripping all the hairs out of Jake’s left side in one fell swoop. I must admit they did a good job since his left cheek looked smoother than a baby’s bottom, but it was freakishly disturbing because he still had a hairy right half. Nevertheless, I ran to him and told him we needed to get out of here. Fortunately, he agreed and got up from the table. The asian ladies started slapping him and covering their eyes because he still didn’t have any pants on and his dongle was hanging out everywhich way. They were also mad at him because they hadn’t finished.

“No, you can’t leave, we not finished yet, we do right side now!”

Y’know, it’s hard to find people that dedicated to their work. Lucky for me Jake finally had his head screwed on straight and ran with me towards the exit. Even though he found his pants, he didn’t put them on, instead he just held them in front of the frank and beans so as to not disturb the other customers. Classy.

….and that was it.


  1. normaljean said,

    April 18, 2006 @ 5:13 am

    Weirdo! And you were trying to act like MY dreams were freaky…


  2. Momma said,

    April 18, 2006 @ 12:10 pm

    Dude….what ya been drinkin??

  3. Phil said,

    April 18, 2006 @ 7:58 pm

    I’m glad you bastards left me behind, so I didn’t suffer like Jake.

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