Problems in the alley

I’ll be the first to admit, I’m just not very good at bowling. I like bowling, or I think I like it but everytime I get to the alley I always remember, that I’m no good at throwing the ball straight down the lane. I think part of the reason I struggle so much with accuracy, is the ball. To me, the ball just seems too damn heavy, this is what I woke up thinking this morning as my bowling muscles ached. I bowled and bowled last night, it seem illogical to me that the ball was ‘too heavy’. When I workout I have no problem muscling 30lb dumbells and 40lb kettlebells. How then could a 16lb bowling ball cause me so much grief? At least I think it was 16lbs I figured that’s what the big “16″ on the side of the ball meant. It felt heavier than 16, probably because of the grip, and really this is my main gripe.

It’s hard to hold the ball with your two middle fingers and thumb. How often do I use those fingers in that combination? Hardly ever, except when I’m bowling or rockin’ the devil horns. I know you’re probably thinking, ‘just use a lighter ball girly man’. I tried that but it really is no resolution to the heavy ball problem. Even if you go down in weight a couple pounds, say… a 10lber then you run into the problem of the finger holes being too small. There is no middle ball for people like me. My hands are somewhere between a woman’s, a man’s and E.T. They’re bigger than a woman’s, slightly smaller than a man’s but shaped more like E.T.’s. The end of my fingertips are more rounded and a bit bigger than the rest of my finger, resembling E.T.’s glowing digit more than that of a normal human. I can phone home all day, but it doesn’t help me with bowling. My dad’s fingers are like sausages so I bet he has no problem bowling a strike. When I first checked into the alley last night, I noticed a father getting some balls for his little girls. These balls had 4 finger holes and one thumb hole! So you can use your whole paw to launch the ball down the lane. Why don’t they make these for grownups? Or bowling tweens like me?

Despite my problems with bowling, I had fun last night. Michelle and I had an appointment that got cancelled so we decided to seize the moment and do something fun. We went to the local bowling establishment and they were offering 2 hours of bowling for $12 a person. It sounded steep at first but since it was just the two of us I knew we would get our money’s worth. We bowled our brains out. I quickly realized that my wrist was not going to be able to keep up the whole night so I developed a strategy. For my first try I would use the normal 16lb cannonball bowling ball. If there were a few pins left standing I used one of Michelle’s neon orange 10lbers. This was smart. It saved my wrist and it’s much easier to pick up a spare with a lighter ball. None of this two-ball strategy really mattered since Michelle was apparently born in a bowling alley thus giving her favor in the eyes of the gutter gods. She constantly complained that she was ‘crap’ and didn’t know what she was doing but consistently threw up strikes and spares.

By our fifth and last game everything was all tied up at 2 wins a piece. During the last game we were neck and neck with strikes, spares, swears and splits. At the top of the 10th frame I couldn’t believe we were dead even at 115. I chucked the ball down the lane, took out 9 pins and picked up the spare. At the bottom of the frame I launched the ball to secure my win, but instead the ball took a turn towards the left and knocked down only three pins. I nervously watched as Michelle knocked down 9 pins and got the spare and then proceed to knock down 9 more pins, thus winning by 6 points. Disgusting. I think the real reason she won was because she was using one of those light balls, and she has man muscles. During our fourth game we decided to switch it up and we could only throw the ball granny style or with our off hand, I found that I’m pretty good at throwing it granny style. The ball is lighter, my control is better, I look dumber, it is a win-win for everyone. But I don’t mind, until they change the balls to accomodate my fingers I’m sticking with granny style from here on out.


  1. mego said,

    March 27, 2007 @ 9:16 am

    that’s so crazy. i was just thinking about bowling. it was totally the thing that you did in jr. high to go have some fun… i remember the smoke-filled place, and trying to act all cool, while throwing a huge ball. i see it worked for you , too.

  2. Phil said,

    March 27, 2007 @ 12:50 pm

    I have girly hands with phil muscles.

  3. momma said,

    March 27, 2007 @ 2:13 pm

    Granny Style?? Does that mean I can throw the ball too?

  4. Anthony said,

    March 27, 2007 @ 5:45 pm

    what exactly is a bowling muscle?
    I have not heard of that one before…
    Not to shabby though dude…
    Loved the whole thing…
    WEll done girly man..
    ABC OUT!

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