Reason #38 as to why I am the perfect catch

Besides my dashing good looks, inescapable charm and unmatched virility I thought of another reason why all single women should date me. I put the toilet seat down. I’m not just talking about the seat, I put the whole dang lid down. I have been in the practice of this for years and years, since early childhood. After losing one too many nerf toys into the toilet I started closing the whole lid as a small boy. The nerf basketball I loved to shoot hoops with was nothing more than a round sponge that had an uncanny ability to find it’s way inside the toilet bowl.

Today I was once again reminded why everyone should adopt my toilet lid shutting ways. I was in the shower….naked, about to lather up but the soap had been wittled down to a sliver so I grabbed the fresh box of irish spring sitting on the shower shelf in front of me. I tore it open, threw the empty box over the shower curtain and finished my shower with the luck o’ the irish. As I stepped out of the shower I saw it, the silver soap box not sitting on the floor, or the garbage can, but carelessly floating in the toilet. “Awwww c’mon!” was my response. Now I know this goes against everything I just said in the first paragraph about ‘always closing the lid’ but there was a reason the lid was open. You see before I took my shower I felt the rumblings of last night’s casserole and so I made a deposit into the porcelain bank. Under normal circumstances I would’ve flushed immediately upon the finale of my movement but I was about to take a shower and in my house when you flush and then turn on the shower you get 900 degree water spitting from the shower head for about 20 minutes. Water this hot is a no-no for my skin, therefore I don’t flush right away. I keep the lid open and take a shower because otherwise after the shower I’d forget to flush, and I don’t want to leave a surprise for someone else. I once visited a girlfriend’s house and she did the same thing. That was the day I lost my innocence when it came to girls going number 2. Before that day I thought that all women pooed flowers or butterflies but as I stood there staring at her trucker sized turds, I knew it was all a lie.

Today I found myself staring at my own torpedoes gently bobbing against the quickly sinking soap box. I hesitated for a few moments before plunging my freshly showered hand into the abyss to grab it (the box not my man made missiles) and flung it into the garbage can. I immediately flushed the toilet and scrubbed my hand. All this to prove my point. 99% of the time I keep the lid down which makes me an awesome catch, it’s the other 1% that you have to watch out for.


  1. anthony said,

    May 11, 2007 @ 7:22 pm

    Ok, that was just insane..
    Never touch me again with that hand that was used to grab contents
    out of the toilet..
    ABC OUT!

  2. EsoPhil said,

    May 11, 2007 @ 9:13 pm

    Also #38 reason why your blog is so funny and interesting to read.

  3. Phil said,

    May 12, 2007 @ 11:00 am

    You are no longer welcome at my house! WHen I was on vacation I pulled the towel rod into the unused toilet.

  4. Michelle said,

    May 13, 2007 @ 2:15 pm

    But the toilet seat down is canceled out by the fact that you don’t flush after you go #1.

  5. Pamela said,

    May 14, 2007 @ 6:35 am

    We have the can’t shower and flush issue at our house, too. When I’m faced with the situation that you describe, I shut the lid and then put the trash can on top so I remember to flush when I’m out of the shower. I’m sure I came up with this method after a similiar “soap box among the torpedos” incident. No one makes that mistake twice.

  6. Jake said,

    May 17, 2007 @ 2:19 pm

    Vividly describing your poop in a public forum must be reason #39 for why you are the perfect catch…

    Next time post pictures…

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