Not a good sign

There are certain things in life that stand out as warning signs for us humans. Road signs along this highway called life that let us know a certain path is a dead end or a bumpy road. For example if your tour guide in Hawaii says it’s perfectly safe to swim with the sharks, but he’s missing one leg. Or your childhood friend that has only one eye, yet declares that slingshots are fun! Or an old craggily-toothed British man offering you more hard candy, all these things are life’s way of telling you to ‘go the other way’.

Last night I pulled into my hairstylist’s (do men have hairstylists?) driveway for my hair cuttin’ appointment. My stylist has a tall 6-foot fence surrounding her yard that is locked so you have to ring the outer doorbell and wait. A light mist was falling in the twilight as I heard her front door open and the clip-clop of stiletto heels against the pavement leading to the gate.

“Who is it?”

“A murderer.”


“I want a haircut.”

“Come in!”

She opened the door and for a few moments I could not compute who I was looking at. Before me stood a female with the facial features of my stylist but instead of long, flowing just-stepped-out-of-a-salon hair was a woman with a shaved head! Had this been my first visit I probably would’ve turned and ran, but seeing that she still had fully functioning fingers I knew I was in good hands.

I gave her a smile and a shout and did the obligatory touching of the shaved head that all humans must do. While my fingers ran over her stubbly cranium it reminded me of my old roommate Yoshi and that reminded me that I still owe him $400 bucks. Then I remembered how he slept with my cat (as friends) and my cat had fleas and Yoshi got bit and his legs got all scabby but he couldn’t stop itching so they got more scabby and it was gross and he turned the heat on in his bedroom during the winter even though we agreed that we weren’t going to use the heat because it cost to much and I wasn’t Mr. Money Bags, but he did it anyway and so he was wearing shorts in his bedroom while I could see my breath in my bedroom and then he would go downstairs when I was at work and eat all my bananas and spaghetti and when I came home from work he would meet me at the door and ask me if he could have some bananas and spaghetti and I would say OK even though I wasn’t heat crankin’, short wearin’ Mr. Money Bags and then I would come downstairs to find that he ate ALL of my bananas and spaghetti and I remembered how much I hated that.

Fortunately my hairstylist lady still had all her cuttin’ skills and I emerged from her house lookin’ like a pimp going to go slap some ho’s. Which reminds me, I saw the last 2 minutes of the Macy’s Day parade from here in Portland over the weekend and of course the fat guy with the beard is the last float. The reporter jumped up next to him on his sleigh and asked him, “How many hos does it take to end the parade?” I actually LOL’d and I thought Santa would say 2, one on each side but that old fatty is a greedy son of a bitch! He said 5! Look out Mrs. Claus you’ve got yourself a handful.


  1. Scott said,

    November 28, 2007 @ 7:11 pm

    I saw that part of the Macy’s parade, too! I wasn’t really watching that close because I was eating my cereal and that question stopped my spoon on it’s way to my mouth.

    I couldn’t BELIEVE that he had phrased the question that way.

    I can imagine him waiting during the entire parade, thinking, “what can I ask Santa that’s about him, fun, and also about the parade”?

    I firmly believe he had no clue what to ask until he hopped up there, looked Santa in the eye and realized what he really wanted for Christmas.

  2. Pamela said,

    November 28, 2007 @ 7:54 pm

    This story barely tangents yours but when I was 20-something I lived in the San Fernando Valley (S. Cal) and my roommate had an air conditioner in her room and I did not. In the summer her room would be a chilly 68 and mine would be 98 with the windows open. And she drank all the coffee and never bought any.

  3. momma said,

    November 29, 2007 @ 2:16 pm

    So the shaved head was … why?

  4. The Other Phil said,

    November 29, 2007 @ 2:28 pm

    At work if a stranger comes into the office we all just sit there. I always joke that if an axe murderer came he’d probably get 2 or 3 of us before someone did something.

  5. mego said,

    November 29, 2007 @ 3:02 pm

    bro.. sometimes you just have to let some things go.. i think the yoshi thing is one of them… why does your hairstylist have a shaved head?

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