I’ll be expelling my innards for Christmas

Friday night Michelle and her bouncer hubby John had a Christmas party. Originally it was supposed to just be an office Christmas party, but since the response was less than stellar we decided to branch out and invite friends and clients. Very few people showed up, but we still had a blast. Michelle made loads of food and our clients brought home cooked ham, swedish meatballs and spinach dip. I brought chips and Phil, he counts as a delicacy in some countries.

Phil and I arrived a touch early so we could setup Rockband, if you don’t know what that is, then you’ve been asleep. I was unsure how it was going to go since the game is a little complicated and takes some organization to get everyone to play. Michelle insisted that we have it, so we brought it. It turned out to be a blast. Our clients that came didn’t want to play but they had a kick watching us make fools of ourselves, playing the fake drums and guitar and Michelle wailing like a moose in heat. Just kidding Michelle, you were brilliant :)

The party continued, we played guesstures and our team won, which was fantastic. I ate and ate and drank and drank. I was taking it easy on the sauce for awhile until people kept making fun of me that I was only drinking water. So I stepped it up a notch. Some parts of the night were a blur. I remember doing a push up competition with Phil and Michelle, I think Phil got a kiss on the cheek by a British babe, I walked like a supermodel, I recall going to the bathroom while the girls were doing the Macarena, and coming out to discover they were all on the floor straddling each other. Something transpired while I was relieving myself and I’m sad I missed it. Whatever happened, Phil had a look of happiness on his face.

We left about 1:30 in the morning. I was feeling fairly happy and not too crazy. Apparently I insisted that Phil take the Salt and Vinegar chips I bought home with him, I don’t know why, but he obliged me. On the drive home I found a huge bag of corn chips between my legs so I started chomping on them. I’m not sure that was the best idea, but at the time it seemed genius!

I stumbled into my house and felt good just very tired and a bit sloppy from being drunk. I hadn’t had a drink in ages so I was surprised I was till feeling the effects. I got ready for bed and sat in my computer chair and closed my eyes for a brief moment. That’s when they started. The spins. Every time I closed my eyes for more then a blink the room would take off in a circular direction. I’ve only experienced this two different times in my life, I’m not sure what causes it, just being too soused I guess.

I was irritated because I was so tired and all I wanted to do was fall asleep, but couldn’t. I sat in my computer chair for nearly an hour in a daze. Around 2:30 I got up because I suddenly felt ‘weird’. I think we all know that sudden weird feeling, something big is about to happen we’re not sure if it is going to be good or bad. I walked from my room to the laundry room and back again. I did this route about 15 times before I realized I was running to the utility sink in the laundry room and yelled, “RAAALLLPH, drives a BUUUUUIICK”. All I remember was the delicious taste of corn chips and wine. YUM! After a few movements of my Opera I cleaned up and felt ok. I remember it came on so suddenly I didn’t think I could make it to the bathroom, plus I didn’t want to wake up my landlord, so the laundry sink seemed like the best idea at the time.

I went back to the computer chair and proceeded to nod off with my head resting against my hand, but every time I fell asleep my head would slip off my hand and wake me up. Classic. After a half an hour of nodding off I thought that walking around would get rid of the spins, so I walked back to the laundry room. My nose was met with the pungent smell of corn chip wine, I looked and realized that my earlier escapades in the sink had not drained. So at 3:30 in the morning I knew what I needed was a stick.

I went outside with my bare feet and pajamas and stumbled around in the backyard looking for a good poking stick. When I found a suitable one I came back inside and proceeded to poke away any evidence of my violent vomitings. I went back to the computer chair and somehow fell asleep. Sometime before 4:30 I woke up again with that feeling and made my way to the laundry room. Round two was just as great as the first, except this time I suddenly felt clear when I was done. No more spins, a clearer head, just exhausted. I grabbed my stick and went to work, but was so tired I couldn’t be bothered to do a good job. I went to my room and fell into bed.

Four hours later I got up and went to the bathroom. On my way back I looked and there was an ridiculously gross mess in the sink. With my nose plugged I grabbed loads of paper towels and cleaned up the previous night’s party time leftovers. So gross. I’m so glad the landlord didn’t do any early morning laundry otherwise she would’ve been most disappointed. After scooping all the treats out, I found a comet can and went to town disinfecting and truly cleaning everything. Since I was there, I also decided to run some laundry.

For the record I have never ever gotten drunk and did the puke thing. It’s not my style, and I’m usually not that stupid. It’s probably because I’m an old man now, my system can’t handle it. I really wasn’t too drunk, but I think it’s the combo of, doritos, spring rolls, lil’ sausages, swedish meatballs, dip, beer, wine, long island iced teas and spiked egg nog that did me in.

The whole next day was spent sleeping and feeling a bit pale. I finally pulled myself together around 3pm when I made my way to Phil’s and we watched Cool Hand Luke, which is a great movie if you’ve never seen it! I’ve heard so many pop culture references from that film, but never knew it.

Needless to say, I’ve had my fill of drink for awhile and I believe my New Year will be brought in with water and saltines.

Party on!


  1. mego said,

    December 23, 2007 @ 4:48 pm

    that tale is really gross… yes, i’m all for health in ‘08

  2. Anthony B. said,

    December 25, 2007 @ 6:54 am

    simply classic son…
    I do not know if it can possibly get better
    than that..
    If Cindy didnt know about your mishap in the sink, she might if she ever checks out the ole
    blog consistently…
    This has to be the most insane story I have heard from you for quite a while..
    hehe ;)

  3. Anthony B said,

    December 25, 2007 @ 11:09 am

    my wife said the same thing
    so I added another video right after you commented..
    Check it out..
    ABC OUT!

  4. momma said,

    December 26, 2007 @ 3:40 pm

    It was probably the doritos that did it!

  5. Holly said,

    December 11, 2009 @ 1:11 am

    reading that was so funny, I think I want to throw up now.

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