Last Day Shenanigans

Today at ye ol’ work place two of the ladies on the other side of our cubicle prison were talking about how bad someone from upstairs smelled. There was only one person that I thought it could be so I piped up from my cell, “Are you guys talking about
CL?” In unison they replied “YES!”. CL is short for ‘Crazy Lady’, it’s the code we use so we can talk about this lady and have no fear of anyone understanding who or what we are talking about. CL should really be changed to SCL or Scary Crazy Lady. Let me explain. Imagine a 105 year old Chinese woman, y’know the kind that are so wrinkly and dried up they look like a giant hummingbird stuck its beak in their ass and sucked all the nectar out. Add in 104 years of sun basting, a century of smoking, a blonde wig, thin body and fake boobs and you have CL!! Except she’s not Chinese so that part doesn’t make sense. She’s scary. At night the boogeyman checks his closet for her.
To go along with her scariness she has this smell…..stench, well more of a putrid redolence that hangs in the air like a vulture looking for an injured gazelle. Wet cigarettes, dashed with over powering flower perfume, mixed with bacon grease, vomit and elephant poo would be a good start to describing the pugent pollution she emits. I’m not even joking, if I walk into the lunch room and she was there 5 minutes earlier I can smell it!! The worst is when I’m quietly eating my delectable spinach salad with crumbled blue cheese, mango salsa and glazed walnuts and she walks by. I have actually retched and stopped eating until I can waft away the smell of cigarettes and burning hair. The talk of CL’s odor got me all excited on what I would do on my last day on the job.

My coworkers thought I was mean in my idea, but I don’t think so. Here is what others said they’d do:

K (boss) - Would tell off a lady that is constantly telling her how to design flyers, ads and such. This lady needs to be told off, she has ZERO eye for design.

K - Ever since day one she has wanted to rider her bike all through our huge warehouse. Although while talking she realized she
could probably stay late one night and do it without it being her last day. Not a bad idea although I said if the owner happen to catch her, it probably would be her last day.

L - L said she has no beefs against anyone so she’d probably put bubbles in the vent…..heh, that lady sure does love the bubbles.

J - J had the better idea of the bunch. For the last two years she has been fighting with a tempermental printer. On her last day
she said she would like to climb to the top of the building and throw it down onto the railroad tracks right before a big freight train runs it over. Sweet justice.

Me - Me? Well here’s my plan. It seems that CL is usually taking lunch at the same time I do. Ugh… I think on my last day I’ll sit in the lunch room and start sniffing. Then I’ll look all around and start sniffing some more. “oh, pleh, do you smell that?”
Sniff………….Sniff…….”Does anyone else smell that?” At this point I’d get up and walk about the lunch room. “Man, it smells like dead rats mixed with tar!” Sniff Sniff. I’d keep sniffing nad come right up to CL and then turn to her, “OH!!! It’s YOU!


Before this I’d have a care package made up with little soaps and shampoos, maybe a little lotion and de-wrinkler and I’d put it in her mailbox with a note: “Get a freakin’ clue!”

Yeeeup, I think that’s what I’d do on my last day.


  1. Phil said,

    April 1, 2006 @ 12:36 pm

    OH, Grow up!

  2. Micah said,

    April 1, 2006 @ 3:00 pm

    This was your idea!

  3. Anthony B said,

    April 1, 2006 @ 8:36 pm

    Ok, the best part of that whole post is where J said that she would take that tempermental printer and destroy it from the top of the building, but the only thing I would change is to just take it to the empty field just like in Office Space while the gangsta rap music plays loudly and the base-ball bat goes wildly swinging to destroy any recognition of it….
    This is how it must be done…

    __We are the Knights who say Ni__

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