Fun on Wheels

Tattoos, fishnet stockings, black eye-liner, loud drumming and roller skates? Welcome to the world of roller derby. Last night I was immersed into the world of women on skates, dressed in crazy colorful costumes zipping around an oval trying to knock each other down. As you can imagine, it was awesome! I didn’t know what to expect, but have always been interested so when Jon called with the idea, Phil, Kelli and I all decided we should attend.

The expo center was converted into a rink complete with bleachers, beer and motorcycles. The crowd was an eclectic mix of people. We were some of the normal ones, but roller derby definitely brings in more of the alternative, tough woman crowd. Packed high in the bleachers, we secured a good spot to see all the action.

There was much pomp and circumstance before the bashing and thrashing could even begin. The night started out with a great drum corp marching onto the rink banging out a tasty groove. Afterwards the announcer had us all stand for the National Anthem. If the singer were an indicator of what was to follow I might have ran out of the rink. Honestly, he was horrible. He started out way too high, was flat most of the way through and his timing was off. When he tried to hit the high note in the middle, one of his vocal chords must’ve popped as he sounded like a cat being slowly pulled across a cheese grater. He also had the new updated lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner. During “O’er the ramparts we watch’d,” I think I heard something about ‘rappers’ which makes sense since he was dressed like a preppy thug. Fortunately for us all he was soon done and the derby began.

The people that put the derby on are very smart and thorough about explaining how the game is played. I appreciated this since I had no clue. They even had a quick, mock round showing how a match would go. Once the match started we had a decent grasp as to what was going on. Watching the girls go whizzing around the track is entertaining. Of course just like Nascar the real reason anyone is there is to see a crash. After a few rounds the ladies finally got into it and so did the crowd. Bodies slammed into each other, fouls were called and girl flew into the first row of spectators sat in the appropriately named ‘crash zone’.

The first match was a blowout between the Emerald City Roller Girls and Guns N Rollers. It wasn’t until the 2nd match when the people in our bleacher section came to life that I realized each section of bleachers was the designated cheering section for each team. We were rooting for the Break Neck Betties to take down the Heartless Heathers. Chanting things like ‘Break Their NECKS!’ in unison is really invigorating. We clapped stomped and hollered for the Betties to take ‘em down. It was a lot of fun and with player names like Sister Merry Malice, Gwen’nich Mean Time, Dora Doom and Fire Crotch how can it NOT be a good time? At halftime our Betties were up 4 points and we were thrilled.

It was also at halftime that Jon decided he was starving and had seen enough. I wouldn’t have minded staying for the 2nd half, but my old man butt was seriously tired from sitting on the hard steel bleachers. Sitting on the bleachers reminded me of high school and so I asked Kelli if she wanted to go underneath the stands and make out, just to bring back the memories, but she was having none of it. Instead, we all drove to Buster’s BBQ and ate a bunch of meat, all in all it was a great night.

What makes Roller Derby so fun was all the crazy costumes, names and hoopla. I definitely recommend it to anyone that has never been, it’s a different type of sport that is good for a Saturday night.


  1. Phil said,

    March 23, 2008 @ 2:05 pm

    Yeah! It was fun. I’d totally go again. Those bleachers were killin’ me though. Maybe I’ll wear padded pants next time.

  2. mego said,

    March 24, 2008 @ 7:16 am

    phil should wear padded pants- more junk in the trunk!
    bro, next time take me- i would l ove it!!

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