What I’ve been doing lately

I haven’t written in a while and I owe a few people out there some emails, but instead of rehashing everything over and over again to everyone I thought I’d just spill it here.

It started last Friday. Everything was cool and normal, I finished kickboxing, rushed home to clean up and go meet my dad for a drink and a laugh. As I got into my car I felt a ‘twinge’ in my gut and decided to run back in the house. Luckily I did because right as I sat down in the bathroom it was if someone turned my butt faucet on ‘full blast’, my innards expelled themselves faster than a locomotive off a cliff. I called my dad to let him know I might be a little late for our meeting, but he didn’t want any part of my butt river and told me to stay home. I felt a little queasy and thought that the tuna fish sandwich I had for lunch was just quickly swimming it’s way downstream. A few hours later I had round 2, but felt decently normal as I went to bed. During the night I had to get up 5 different times to shoot more water from my backside. I didn’t take anything for it right away b/c I wanted my body to rid itself from whatever was irritating it and I come from a family that has a very stern ‘let’s wait and see what happens’ policy when it comes to getting sick. Now that I’m older I’m never sure how long I should wait. When I had my first kidney stone I waited for 5 hours in excruciating pain before I decided I should go to the hospital. Here it was noon the next day and I was still busy making poop smoothies. I called Dr. Dad and we was like, “oh s**t! You’re still doing that? Yeah, you need to take something.” I took a bunch of Immodium, but I was still 5 hours (24 hours after it had started) until I was stopped up.

All day Sunday I pumped myself full of juices and herbs and barely any food so my body could reset itself. By Sunday night I was feeling better and was only eating simple things to get me back on track. Monday my bowels were feeling better but I still wasn’t on real food and by this time I had lost 6lbs since Friday night! New Diet Plan! I thought I was getting better in the intestinal region but I did feel like I was getting a bit of a head cold. Monday I laid low and continued the fluid and bland food treatment. Tuesday I felt a bit better and finally had a normal number two. My head cold had developed into a nasty cough, but I was glad things were mostly normal….or so I thought.

Tuesday night was Dave’s bday party for being 31 and all. We were going to meet him at a billiards hall to celebrate. Before hand, Kelli and I went to Thai food to get some soup. I was congested and my cough was bugging me so I thought some soup would help. After Thai we stopped by Phil’s house so he could drive us to the pool place. As we waited in the car near the pool hall, I felt a ‘twinge’ and said “we should go, even though Dave said he was running late”. Our brisk walk nearly turned into a full run when I suddenly realized that my intestines were gearing up for a major launch. I quickly became very aware that we were T minus 10 seconds and counting until all systems were a “GO”, whether or not the launch pad was clear. We reached the front entrance of the billiards place and instead of holding the door open for Kelli, I flung it open to let myself in. T minus 5 seconds. I stepped on the stairs and took 4 steps in one leap, this was a mistake as a little pre-launch fluid squeaked out during my wide step. I frantically adjusted and climbed the stairs with my legs and knees together. I made it to the door of the bathroom praying that it was unoccupied, burst through the stall door, frenzily flung my coat on the nasty ground, fumbled with my belt and zipper and then BLAST OFF. I thought maybe my head would hit the ceiling the explosion was so big. Even though it helped my sinuses, I guess the Spicy Beef wasn’t a good choice as the first thing to eat after having diarrhea. I was in the bathroom forever and everyone gave me a weird look as I walked out. The night was miserable. I didn’t play pool, my insides were going crazy. I barely made it home w/o incident. In the middle of the night I woke up 2 more times for my insides to empty themselves.

Wednesday I was weak, sick and frustrated my cough. It was nasty and my lungs burned something fierce. I was beginning to think I might have to go to the doctor, but I didn’t know how long I should wait. Wednesday night I put a humidifier in my room and that seemed to make all the difference. Thursday morning I woke up coughing up all sorts of pretty colors and the burning lung sensation had receded to a more tolerable level. I decided to eat some chicken and mashed taters on Thursday and my body was thankful for the real food. Today (Friday) I’m still hacking like an 86 year old smoker and getting many neat colors out of my lungs. My stomach feels fine and I thought I was in the clear of any intestinal issues, but in the late afternoon when I went to the bathroom to conduct some business but unfortunately things were still….soft.

I have no idea if this is a mutant bug or what! SO frustrating. All I can say is stay away from this bug, it sucks major!


  1. Phil said,

    April 12, 2008 @ 9:17 am

    All that text and you didn’t even mention my boil!

  2. EsoPhil said,

    April 13, 2008 @ 4:50 pm

    LOL as usual. Thanks for not sparing any of the details!

  3. mego said,

    April 14, 2008 @ 8:26 am

    it’s terrible when you’re out walking and can hardly make it to the bathroom.
    hope you’re feeling lots better!

  4. Billy said,

    April 14, 2008 @ 1:03 pm

    Diarrhea is pretty cool.

    I also avoid the doctor without good reason as well. It’s not like it costs a lot with insurance. And it’s really not too much trouble to make an appointment. I’m pretty sure the silent rule is something like:

    “You may visit the doctor 1. if the condition is a known ailment require medical attention. 2. if the condition has incapacitated you for more than two days. 3. if the condition hurts really, really bad and/or is causing significant blood loss.”

    Can you make this text box taller? And can’t remember what I wrote 4 lines above.

    And, though I enjoy a good Micah (using your name as a noun meaning “a blog entry about poop”), get better soon.

  5. Phil said,

    April 14, 2008 @ 4:35 pm

    PS, your comment font sucks.

  6. Jake said,

    April 14, 2008 @ 5:06 pm

    You might be interested to know that http://everlastingpoop.com is still available…

  7. Anthony said,

    April 17, 2008 @ 8:57 am

    Dude, that totally reminds me of Dumb & Dumber where the toilet explosion takes place..
    Did you stick your legs straight out in front of you and make that
    crazy yelp that Harry ( Jeff Daniels ) made…???
    100% Classic my friend..

  8. Aimzee said,

    April 20, 2008 @ 3:20 pm

    ohhhh WOW! What the heck did you catch?! I had no idea it was that bad! I know what you had is in no way funny…but your post on it made me fall off my chair laughing.
    I hope you’re feeling better by now!

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