Revolting Real Estate

6:00. I’m late, I should already be at the house to show my clients but traffic was bad and I was busy slurping my second bowl of soup at my sister’s house. I pull up to the dark, vacant house and see my clients parked in the driveway. Dangit! I hate being late. I grab my stuff, get out of my car and approach them.

“Hi guys sorry I’m late, have you been waiting long?”
Wife: “No, not really”
Me: “That’s too bad I was trying to make you wait awhile.”
Wife: “MICAH!”
Me: “sorry.”

It’s nice to show houses to people I would categorize as ‘acquaintance friends’ someone I’ve gone out to drinks a few times with and I can be more of myself. The wife of this duo is certainly comfortable with me and speaks her mind freely, which is surprising at first but really makes my life/job so much easier, there is no guessing where she’s coming from.

We all walk up to the dark doorstep and I point out the shiny new doorknob.
“Look at the shiny new doorknob!”
Wife: “wonderful”

I don’t usually bring such silly details to the surface, but one week earlier we were on the very same darkened doorstep facing a door with no handle or knob, the handiwork of malicious teenagers no doubt. Prior to this we had seen the house once, so you can imagine my client’s disappointment when there was no way to enter the house last week.

I opened the door, we walk in and I begin going through the house flipping all the lights on. The husband gets busy immediately pulling out his tape measure, taking note of the entryway and living room. The house is vacant; victim of a bad loan and people living outside of their means. A tragedy for something that wasn’t even built two years ago. The real tragedy is how something so new can look so tired and used. Once beautiful carpets now spread across the house in an array of mysterious stains and colors. Holes in the walls, trash in the backyard, unpaid bills stuffed in drawers, broken shelves in the corner, all these things are tell-tale signs of an owner that was forced to leave and relinquish his home in a hurry.

The first time I showed the house I noticed the blue tape and the warning stickers across the sinks and toilets, clearly showing that the water had been turned off and not to use any of the facilities. I was curious when I flipped on the lights for the downstairs bathroom and noticed the tape had been ripped off the toilet seat.

__Side Note__
Now…’s that saying go? ‘Curiosity something’ed the something’?
__/Side Note__

I wish I knew because I walked over to the toilet and it was clear that someone had completely disregarded the lovely blue tape and the job they had completed was not a quick Number 1. “Oh you’ve got to be kidding me” were the words that slipped out. “What?!” inquired the wife. I told her to forget it, but she obviously had never heard that curiosity saying either. Retching, she cursed and used her foot to slam the toilet seat down and continued to mutter some words better left to the imagination.

I walked upstairs to continue my dutiful task of turning all the lights on and as I flipped on the lights in the upstairs bathroom it was the same scene as before. Either someone was feeling the taco bell burn or this house was having some serious sewer problems. Disgusted and feeling a little queasy I pressed forth into the master bedroom. With nothing amiss in the bedroom I strode confidently into the master bath deciding this time to not even look at the toilet. Instead I looked at the sink where my eyes captured a basin FULL of vomit. Nearly laying my cookies down right next to the sink, I bolted out of the bedroom, downstairs and past my clients. Outside I breathed in the fresh air and thought of puppy dogs, guitars and pretty ladies (things that make me happy and generally keep me from puking). Once recovered I ventured back indoors and advised my clients to not look in the master bathroom. The wife pressed on as to ‘why’ and I finally told her.

We all ventured upstairs but I decided to hang back and let them take the lead. Minutes had passed since I had advised them to not look in the sink and apparently they forgot as their unison groan echoed loudly through the empty house. As the husband was finishing his measurements in the roomy walk-in closet the wife and I were trying to decide what happened. It was apparent that the vandals of the doorknob most likely succeeded in entering the house. We were thinking druggies at first but the husband pointed out the cigarette butts and the used condoms in the master closet. ‘The WHAT?’ we said as we both scurried to the closet. Sure enough used cigarettes and condoms were strewn across the floor. Absolutely disgusting.

The best we could figure out is that some teenagers broke in and had a party. They got drunk, did the deed and the violent mixture of chalupas, pineapple flavored vodka and the jarring affects of putting the biscuit in the basket most likely caused someone to get sick….a lot. Either way afterwards we went to Old Chicago, washed our hands three times, had our own drinks and wrote an offer.


  1. Reese said,

    December 13, 2008 @ 10:11 am

    Wow. I really hope they hire someone to clean the place before they have to go in it again. Yeesh.

  2. Aimzee said,

    December 13, 2008 @ 10:48 pm

    Totally and utterly gross. Kids these days…..

  3. Jake said,

    December 14, 2008 @ 9:03 pm

    Nice story!

    P.S. Do you know of any abandoned houses that we can throw a party in? We get back tomorrow!!!

  4. mego said,

    December 17, 2008 @ 2:43 pm

    disgusting… i’m amazed that they still wrote an offer, after all of that!

  5. Mondo said,

    December 18, 2008 @ 8:36 pm

    Hey Micah!

    It’s been awhile. Happy late birthday Nov 1st. I appreciated much your creative way of telling a casual story into something humorous and detailed!

    Merry Christmas! Please say hello if you will to your parents for me.


  6. Phil said,

    December 23, 2008 @ 9:39 pm

    Wow, this site is still up?

  7. » Let’s Play said,

    January 2, 2009 @ 4:57 pm

    […] I had to stop by the pukey poopy house this morning (which has turned into a whole ‘nother saga) and on the way home I decided to […]

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