Alright, alright. I get it, I have big nipples.

Well not so much big as ‘pointy’, it’s not like they’re pink puffy pancake nipples or anything like that. In many ways I believe they are about average as men’s nipples go, the problem is they respond very well to cold temperatures and touching. I usually don’t have too many people touching them except Tony, but he lives in Molalla so my nipples have received a welcome break. But as some may have noticed the weather has been a bit on the chilly side lately and my dueling thermometers seem to make an appearance every time I take my coat off.

I got to kickboxing tonight and the building was freezing. The heat had been off all day and to make matters worse I had left my workout bag in my trunk so I quickly shivered my clothes on and off in the dressing room before class. I looked down and my legs were doing that weird blotchy-red-cob-webby thing they do when they’re really cold. Anyone know what I’m talking about? My arms and nipples never get like that but when I’m really cold my legs get weird looking and I hate it. So I yelled at them “Stop doing that!” “Stop doing what?” was the response from the next dressing room over. “Oh, um not you, my legs….I was yelling at my legs” I said sheepishly.

I gathered my things and headed upstairs to the gym. Melissa was warming up as I walked over to chat her up. We talked about our days and the meaning of life when I began complaining about the dri-fit shirt I was wearing and how it sticks to my torso showing every bump, blurb and blob.

Melissa:”Oh Please Micah, you have a great body, (looking down) but what’s up with your nipples?!”

Me: “What do you mean? I can’t control them and it’s COLD in here!”

M:”Well I’m just sayin’….dayyuuummmmn.”

Me: “It’s this Dri-Fit shirt! It’s thin and it rubs them, and why does everyone always notice my nipples?”

M: “Everyone notices your nipples? I’m sorry, are you sensitive about it?”

Me: “All my friends seem to notice and some like to grab onto them, I’m not sensitive until everyone starts pointing them out!”


Our conversation was broken by the instructor’s yelling and as I ran I watched my pointy friends bounce in the mirror. ‘They’re not that bad’ I thought to myself as we re-grouped in the center of the room to do some calisthenics. While doing some arm swings and rotations the instructor turned to me and says “Is it cold in here Micah?!” The whole class turns to look at me as if I am some deformed person and I shot a look to Melissa who was covering her snarking laugh with her hand. F’ing great. “I get it, my nipples are very pointy!” I yelled out and the teacher said, “I’m just sayin…..must be cold.”


I’m throwing that dri-fit shirt away. Nipple erections are completely involuntary movements and I can’t calm them down by thinking of brown filing cabinets or taking a cold shower like I do with the other kind. In fact cold showers are the worst remedy when my nips are pointing straight out like two six-shooters in the hands of Billy the Kid. I don’t really know what the draw is to them, they’re not like George Washington’s nipples. As the first president of our country I imagine he has some fairly impressive nipples, not sure what history says, but I imagine them as amazing. I guess I’ll live with them, or maybe I’ll see if they make pasties in the shape of little guitars or muscle cars. That would be awesome until one falls off and then my left nip points out like the tailight of a ‘59 Cadillac and my right side remains as smooth as a spoon. If that happened, the jig would be up and I would definitely look like a deformed person. Too much trouble. I just hope the warm weather returns soon, in the meantime I’m gonna start charging for stares longer than 5 seconds. By the end of the cold season I should have enough for a nipplectomy.


  1. Phil Steller said,

    January 11, 2009 @ 2:49 am

    WAY too much information for me, but your descriptions had me laughing, I must admit.

  2. Anthony B. said,

    January 11, 2009 @ 4:24 pm

    Ok, so I have not been here for a while and I have a ton of everlasting reading to do..
    I will get to it shortly…
    I shall return..
    RElax nipply one…

  3. mego said,

    January 12, 2009 @ 8:27 am

    bro, seriously you did NOT have that conversation with M. at class?? i can’t believe it , too funny!
    have you ever heard of wearing too layers, or getting a padded man-bra to help cover it up?
    i’m just trying to help…;).

  4. Anthony B. said,

    January 12, 2009 @ 8:54 pm

    nicely done son…
    But I must confess that I have never noticed the oversize of the nips..
    HOw can this be?
    You know that I am called Tripple Nipple Tony At Work because of my 3 nipples that
    I have..
    You will have to show me those twins when you are able..
    Peace out see ya lata.. ;)

  5. Karyn said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 7:53 pm

    I love to read your stories. I cry from uncontrolled laughter! One suggestion, bandaids. But beware of taking them off - do it fast and don’t think about the pain. Let me know if it works (he..he…)

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