So apparently, saying ‘douche’ while striking an opponent is unacceptable.

It’s not that I’m thinking about feminine products when I’m sparring it’s just the yell that happens to come out of my mouth.  I suppose in a real live fight or attack, ‘douche’ would be appropriate because if a guy is trying to punch you or steal your wallet he is probably a douchebag and should be called as such. In the confines of class, after exhaustion and delirium have set in, my ‘kia’ (karate yell, not the car) often turns into something you would read in a Batman Comic rather than something you’d hear in a dojo.

All of this was brought to my attention last night during the grueling 4-hour workout I like to call “A Normal Tuesday Night”. 3.5 hours into the night my legs are noodles, my clothes are soaked through and my muscles throb. There is a video camera pointed at me as I fight through the exhaustion to demonstrate and teach various Krav techniques without showing any signs of fatigue.

“Choke from the front, no push” I say into the camera. My opponent comes at me and squeezes my tender neck in his sweaty meat hooks. With the air being cut off to my brain I explode with a pluck and a simultaneous kick to the groin doubling him over. As my elbows, knees and punches freely flow to his face, liver and head so do my ‘kreative kias’ flow from my mouth.


I turn back to the camera and explain the different teaching points as if I were instructing a whole class. At the conclusion of my explanation the instructor turns off the camera and says,

“Wow, that was really good energy, good teaching points but your Kias are…………weird

Puzzled, I glanced over at the other trainees who were all trying to hide their smiles and smirks.

“Whaaa??” Was my intelligent response.

“You sound like you’re inside a Marvel Comic. If you can just use normal loud yells that would be better.”

“oh….I see” I said, not realizing I sounded so weird.

One of the other trainings spoke up and said “Does this mean he’s not going to do them anymore? Because I smile every time he does.”

The teacher remained firm so I guess the douche stops here.

Any suggestions as to what I should yell when I’m bashing someone’s face in?



  1. Phil Steller said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 4:43 pm

    “I smite thee, oh purveyor of vile corruption!”
    “Don’t do drugs, or I’ll chastise you yet again!”
    “Whistle while you work, swine from murky land of sludge!”
    “Collateral damage realized!”
    “Crow Hammer from snow-peaked Cragmire!”
    “Chest redemption!”

    And other multi-word gems.

    I never liked being forced to kiai

  2. steve dougan said,

    January 28, 2009 @ 4:55 pm

    micah, micah, micah… my brother used to do the same exact thing, until he figured out what he was saying. now that i think about it, he was a bit bummed out that he couldn’t use his favorite fighting onomatopoeia anymore.

  3. Reese said,

    January 29, 2009 @ 12:33 am

    I think you should shout out your grocery list.

  4. mego said,

    January 29, 2009 @ 9:03 am

    very funny phil. so… are you saying that mark didn’t make things easy and let you go home early?

  5. Amy said,

    January 29, 2009 @ 2:52 pm

    Lol…I used to yelp like a tennis player hitting the ball, when doing any type of sports. When sparring with brothers, I used to sway like I was doing drunken boxing. It’s funny how we are so into what we are doing, that we don’t even realize what we’re doing…until someone points it out. “In the zone” I guess.

  6. Anthony said,

    March 1, 2009 @ 10:46 am

    nice work dude..
    You see, I just tried to call you yet again last night and you didn’t answer yet again..
    I have been trying to get a hold of you with failure upon every attempt….
    Fix it…
    ABC OUT!

  7. Michelle said,

    March 23, 2009 @ 2:23 pm

    Maybe you just need more explanation, like “I’m going to douche you!”

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